The Angry Man: A Road To Public Masturbation

As I was taking an early morning stroll last Saturday morning I spotted a man polishing his Porsche Boxter convertible.

Now, two things struck me as I walked past him, firstly that it was a nice looking car; secondly what he was doing was akin to masturbating in public.

Let me explain; it is generally agreed (rightly or wrongly) that owning a sports car if you’re male is the equivalent of going to the plastic surgeon and getting a penis extension.

Clearly if you own a Ferrari, Porsche, Mercedes, BMW or any one of the myriad of flashy cars that one can buy these days, means that you probably will get more female attention than before you purchased the vehicle.

In fact a friend of mine who used to own a lime green Porsche 911 told me that it definitely did add a few inches to his manhood and that since buying the car he had attention from females who previously would have struggled to give him the correct time upon asking.

Another thing occurred to me as I watched this man apply loving sponge strokes to his wheel arches, was that one very rarely sees anyone polishing a crappy car.

Perhaps if I lived in suburbia I would see more middle aged men polishing their Ford Mondeos of a Sunday afternoon, but I don’t. It would seem that if you live in the centre of town then you’re more likely to use a carwash when wanting to clean your car.

I myself have never owned a car, preferring two wheels to four. Of course when it comes to the point when you want to clean your motorbike you have to do it by hand as riding into a carwash has its obvious drawbacks.

But dare I say cleaning a motorbike in public does not seem to have the same sexual connotations as polishing your sports car for all to see.

To see someone on their hands and knees applying a wet sponge with the same care and attention they may give to a lover was positively pornographic. He stroked and caressed his penis extension for the whole world to see, the cleanliness of the car seemed to be a side issue.

I could not tell the difference between the parts he had cleaned and the bits yet to be cleaned, the process seemed to be more about a bonding process with his metal cock.

He almost seemed to be whispering to it as he put his head close to the wheel arch and massaged it. Perhaps telling it how much he loved it and that he’d always be there for it and I swear if he knew no one was looking he would have lay face down, spread eagled on the bonnet writhing in ecstasy.

Whatever was going through this man’s head at the time was reflected in an expression of pure bliss, at one point I actually turned away in disgust as I was fairly sure that I had just seen this stranger’s cum face.

He was polishing his penis extension he had got a white foamy lather all over it and he was smiling broadly, it couldn’t have been more obvious if he were lying naked on the bonnet, penis in hand shouting out unintelligible, ecstasy driven utterances.

I’m sure my disgust would have been equal if not greater had I been female, a strange man masturbating on the street is always going to cause dismay and emotional distress. However I suppose it’s easier to deal with if you know he’s got a nice big engine and knows how to use it.

Angry Man

Originally written for Myspace circa 2006.

DO YOU WASH YOUR CAR IN PUBLIC, IS IT A NICE ONE; DO YOU LOVINGLY APPLY THE SOAP SUDS AND CARESS ITS WHEEL ARCHES? AS EVER, LET ME KNOW BELOW!

Title image: Kevin Bhagat on Unsplash

Cryptogee