Me, The Green Menace

Dear reader,

I write to you sitting in nice, dry clothes... I just rode home in rains that were flooding the roads. As I was leaving the grocery store, it had just begun to rain (hard). Some old lady hobbled up to me with a quick smile, "Ride safe!" It warmed my heart the entire way home.

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Anyway, it's time for shenanigans.

In college, I had a green morph-suit that I bought online for $15. No, the picture featured to the right is not me. I could not track down any photos of myself in my green morph-suit, so I grabbed a photo from a website I'll link at the end. The day it arrived, I put it on and was off to claim the campus under daylight, with my best friend as my escort. She was necessary, even though I really loved to run ahead of her. The suit had no pockets (she held my student ID and phone and miscellaneous other items) and I needed her to scan me into buildings around campus. Not to toot my own horn, but I was huge hit~. People thought it was absolutely astounding that someone would run around in a morph-suit. Several groups of people wanted photos with me or to shake my hand, and a few others even scuttled away in fear of a faceless, green woman. All great fun, in the daytime.

As a few days passed, I began to run around at night; still with my escort, of course. I was on a mission. I had this diabolical idea to terrorize an underclassman dorm. Once a week for several weeks we snuck into a particular dorm and I would snatch door tags from doors.

The thing about door tags is that all Resident Assistants--students with authority over other students on a given dorm floor or section of a floor--were/are required to make them for all of their residents. A lot of RA's put in great effort for door tags and others, not so much. However, that I've seen, most of these underclassmen residents didn't give a shit, they didn't care whether they had door tags. These door tags were made for each person specifically, with their names on them and everything. So I took them. On any given night, I would take 8 to 15 assorted door tags from different sections of the building.

Oh, I know, I'm such an evil person. I've scarred these little underclassmen.

Just a tidbit: each dorm is littered with video cameras, with two or more on each hallway. If it were really that awful, I would have been confronted by campus safety. <<<They would sometimes stop me between here and there, to ask for proof of my enrollment. They'd receive my student ID and send me off again with a chuckle.

The only thing I've felt bad about, as the Green Menace, was a particular occurrence that Yik Yak clued me in on. I really shook this one girl up one night. She thought I was following her, on some scary clown-level shit. I had been on my way from Point A (my dorm) to Point B (the underclassman dorm). She got so scared she starting crying and ran to the dorm room of a friend, seeking refuge. The friend blasted me in a Yak about it. I really did feel like a menace. But, it's college not a horror movie. They've both no doubt recovered.

After some more misadventures around my own dorm and as the end of the semester loomed nearer, I chose to retire my suit of wickedness. I felt that I had gotten far more than my measly $15 out of it. I kept all of the door tags I stole for 2 1/2 years. I finally got rid of them a few months ago. After moving a handful of times, they just didn't stick anymore and redoing the tape on each would destroy them.

An entire year after I retired the morph-suit, a good friend--an RA--spilled the beans on information she'd been holding on to for a while. She was compelled to speak when I told her the identity of the Green Menace (me).

At one point, the year prior, I hadn't had the chance to wash my outfit of villainy and I decided to go without a disguise. My friend informed me that on that particular night, I stashed a tag from the wrong door. It was Pat's door. The tag was glorious, I couldn't resist. Thor's hammer on a blue background with Pat's name in the middle; it was even laminated. My RA friend told me that it had been a grave mistake. Pat went berserk when he realized his prized possession (maybe?) was gone. He went straight to campus safety and managed to convince them to allow viewing of the security camera footage. Absurd right? It gets crazier. He sat through hours worth of footage, based on the time of the (my) "crime." He had them print a blown-up photo of my face, taken from the footage. Soon, my face had been plastered all over the dorm, on wanted posters. Apparently someone recognized me and snitched on my identity and what dorm I lived in. I do have an idea who this may have been due to later displays of disloyalty.

But wait, it gets more ridiculous...

Pat managed to get his vengeful hands on a full roster for my dorm: room numbers with names of residents. I have absolutely no fucking clue what under-campus black market he got it from. Regardless, the Door Tag Avenger now had the secret identity, year, and hideout of the Green Menace. He proceeded to submit an 8-page (so I was told) report to administration about how punitive action should be taken against me. Thankfully, administration was not happy about the invasion of my privacy. I never heard a word about the whole ordeal because I got off scot-free.

To this day, there has never been a face-to-face showdown between the Door Tag Avenger and the Green Menace. I have never met Pat. None of this was made up; how could I? I'm not creative enough. I hope you enjoyed it, anyhow!

Sincerely,

Anonymyst

Photo from: http://morph-suit.com/woman%20morph%20suit.html