Torn between love and learning...

How is it to be torn between love and learning?

For the things, I both equally love, how can you possibly choose between the two if it coincides with one timespan?...

Over the years, I've been planning my career to study my masters in Urban Planning in a country. I've been saving up for my studies to pursue this dream but when that opportunity came for me to be granted, I didn't happen...

The only university I applied for to take up Urban Design was unsuccessful. After planning for 7 years for this dream crushed me. Was am I wrong to apply for only one university? Was my savings not enough to sustain my study period here? Is it a sign to take up Urban Planning instead? They mentioned I have considerable good qualifications, but what went wrong? Ceaseless questions run my mind again after being laid-off unexpectedly. Again, another painful event led to the other that trampled me piece by piece...

How to start all over again?... No other choice but I need to recover again!...

After being accepted by another company again, my life again, ravaged me day by day. I felt that I'm in my "auto-pilot" mode again which is the worst thing that I imaged to happen. I haven't recovered from all these pain, how to escape from all of these if time won't allow me? When every little hurt started to heal, I fall... and it resulted in a grave mistake. It's wrong to cover up all these pain with another mistake. I hated myself that we have these weaknesses we can't get over with easily, but I hated the most that sorry can't change everything...

December of 2017, my Boyfriend proposed to me in a place he called "a circle of unending love"... I sense that I'm still a mess back then when he proposed to me, will "YES" going to restart and recover everything from all this pain? Will I be at peace to postponing this dream for a "yes" will change everything? I know in my deep-seated self that I'm not ready yet. I want to feel my "whole-self" again before everything else...

He understands for who you are. He supports you in every way possible, even how big or small this endeavor is that you're willing to undertake. He is willing to even sacrifice distance for the sake of you. He manages to even create until to the smallest detail plan in order for your dream to become a reality. It's not about the words "I love you" that will secure this big word "LOVE", it's all about these ACTIONS!- The real "BIG" deal for love.

NO doubts can still be possible with him, because he loves you this so...

Sorry that my heart doesn't work like that, to be able to choose between love and learning...

But, with all of this, he still manages to stay... I hope he stays... I don't know for how long and how far he can manage to stay...

But I just want to be REAL with you. Again, no biggest SORRY can change everything... But beyond everything, BIGGEST Thank you, I've met you!

**Now, is it selfish to choose "a dream" before anything else? - No! As for my case, I don't have to choose! **

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