Are you unemployable?

. . .you might be unemployable

If you answer an ad and the phone number you provide for contact is disconnected, your ex-landlord, ex-brother-in-law or ex-girlfriend picks up or you recently dropped your phone in the toilet
...you might be unemployable.

If more than two of the personal references you provided are parole officers and county jail prefixes
...you might be unemployable

If you begin your ad response with "dude, what's it pay? or why do i need a resume anyway?"
...you might be unemployable

If, when asked about why you left your last employment, you enter a ten-minute tirade about your last boss and everyone in the company being out to get you
...you might be unemployable

If your gaps between employment are longer than the employment periods themselves,
...you might be unemployable

If your phone answering message is cop killer by Ice-T
...you might be unemployable

If you accept a job offer and don't show up for your first day's work
...you might be unemployable

If, when asked about a company's drug testing program you ask what drugs does it test for anyway?
...you might be unemployable

If your mother (your own reference) says she hopes you get a job so you can pay back the money you stole from her.
...you might be unemployable

If you bitterly begin to talk about your ex-wife or husband to a job interviewer when not specifically asked about it--and we won't
...you might be unemployable

and finally...
if you don't believe in first amendment rights, take yourself so seriously as to be "offended" by others' points of view, flag this ad then send a pompous, self-righteous rebuke (and can't take this as a light-hearted attempt to help some job-applicants improve their chances)
. . .you might be employable. . .at MSNBC or the New York Times