alone
Tin foil hat. But thoughts about parenting. I yi yi yi. I find parenting joyous and hard. So much of the time I just thoroughly enjoy spending time with Lochlan. He's great. He's funny, he's smart, he's kind, he's goofy. So much of the time, I feel like I'm not doing enough for him, not providing him the experiences his childhood should have, not setting up enough playdates, not signing him up for classes, for lessons, for whatever, not engaging enough in play with him, spending too much time feeling tired, feeling stressed, feeling overwhelmed. Always feeling like there's not enough time in the day. Wanting to do more for him, but wanting to do more for me, too. Wanting to be alone. Wanting to do things for myself while the world is stopped around me, while time is stopped, so I don't feel like I'm losing any time on any of the other things I should be doing. I want to stop time. I want to be alone. I want my child to fall asleep on his own, in a timely manner. I want meals to be easier. I want meal planning to be easier. I want everyone to leave me alone. Including our animals. Everyone just be quiet and leave me alone. I don't get to be alone really. I want to I want to I want to not be hearing all these sounds around me, sounds of people talking, sounds of the AC going, the dog munching, the Brendan talking to himself, the nails clicking. I'm tired, did I mention I'm tired? I know I don't always feel this way (though I do always feel like I never have time alone).