Anniversary, a Suffocation
scraps of script
steal breath and bend time
then go back in a drawer.
one year down, all the rest to go
Eight years ago and just moments after I came across a note my husband once penned, I wrote that poem. It was the first anniversary of his death from ALS.
This is the beginning of the freewrite. Truth be told, I didn't have time to set the timer.
Yesterday I had just finished my entry to @mariannewest's freewrite prompt "suffocate" when FB showed this old poem to me as one of my memories. I had completely forgotten yesterday was the anniversary of my husband's death until that moment. As you can see, I am conflicted on this issue of his passing. I am failing at the grieving process. I suppose I felt suffocated that day. Now today I feel a little suffocated too.
I got the three of swords in a #tarottuesday by @traciyork card reading on Tuesday. I've never gotten this card before, but it stole my breath. Three swords stabbing a sky-born and bleeding red red heart-shaped heart. I had no trouble choosing among those three cards.
Here's a free-ishwrite haiku, mizu no oto style:
please sorrow
loosen your grip
on my breath
.
I need to remember that I am my own monument. Sometimes I forget.
End of freewrite of loosey goosey timing but it was long enough and not too long.
This is my entry to the weekend single prompt option "suffocate". https://steempeak.com/freewrite/@mariannewest/weekend-freewrite-7-27-2019-single-prompt-option
I entered one for Thursday's prompt too, but it was just a lead in to this. The best kind of freewrite, one that just bursts out.
The image is a detail of a portrait of me painted by the incomparable Lydia Viscardi.
Goosebumps. Sometimes I will have deep dreams about my dad (he passed 5 years ago) - and I will wake and think he is still alive for a split second, then I come to and have to come to terms with it again. Happens rarely these days but still does.
Yes, I am always aware of the presence of those who have died. It's as if they never left really. That sounds trite, but it's true. I still talk to my dad when I am driving, and my mom when I am very sad. My hubby was much more complicated, and that is who inspired this post. I really appreciate your support on it, this post means a lot to me.
I not infrequently have dreams that my dad is still alive (he died a long time ago when I was 14; leaving me an orphan). Honestly, they are hard to deal with, as they feel so real. Waking up and realising it was all a dream can be shattering for a brief period of time. I'm getting close to age that my dad died, and I fear this is going to bring these dreams on even more. I honestly prefer to remember him while I'm awake than asleep.
Orphaned so young--my condolences!
I know that dream. My sister was missing for months, then found dead. To this day I dream that she is alive again. It wasn't her they buried (I suspected it all along! We weren't allowed to see the body). In the dream, I often say, "I've dreamed this so many times, and now it's real; now it's really happening." Then I wake up. It was only a dream. The subconscious can be so cruel!
That sounds terrible - it's hard enough to remember them while awake! I've been lucky I guess.
I wish you deep and restful sleeps!
Thanks @owasco, you too. :)
Now you and @revo have me thinking about how difficult it must be to wake from dreams of people who have died - to think they are alive for a moment and remember they are not must be terrible. I've been spared that.
Such a touching piece of writing. It's amazing what can flow from us when the time and circumstances are just right.
I think grief of separation of someone we have been so close to comes in waves. So that as we are alive to our present life we can breath more deeply into it and as we breathe more fully we can let the past have its place and let any sadness about it, gently melt way ~ So that all that remains are the beautiful memories/feelings and the closeness that was and will always be there will become even stronger. ♥︎♥︎⚖️♥︎♥︎
I'm sure eight years can sometimes feel like it was only a moment ago. I hope you can find some continued healing through the process of finding your breath again. 💚
I've learned the importance of a deep breath at tough times, each breath an instant healing. I'm breathing. thank you for your hope.
wow... this is a wonderful look back and tribute.
thanks for sharing this @traciyork on #pypt @pypt today!
!SHADE 1
Thanks for engaging with posts presented on PYPT
I lost my father eight years ago but his memories are still alive.
I can understand you.
It's not a terribly long time is it? I wonder if it will ever feel like something that happened long ago.
It's still doesn't feel long. But I guess it will, someday. This is how nature works. Our emotions and feelings fades away slowly.
I used to dream about my dad a lot before, but it reduces like one or two in a month. So...
Posted using Partiko Android
I am terrible at grieving. I never feel like I can let it go, so it becomes a part of me and will pop up and choke me when I'm not paying attention. I wish there was a way to move through it and come out free of it on the other side, without feeling like the memory of whoever is lost has faded. Sending you big hugs.
Oh I have the opposite problem with this death. I haven't let the feelings in at all. This week I learned (that tarot card reading helped a lot) that I'm carrying a very heavy sorrow, but I don't even think of him on the date. I remember thinking "Hm. July 25 seems significant, but what could it be?" for real. None of my kids thought of it until the day after either. Mostly I don't know how to handle the grieving process for them. It was a complicated marriage and a complicated death and I am at a loss as to how to process it. For others who have passed I have been different. It seems the more clearly I loved them, the easier it is to grieve. The
I've never lost a spouse or a parent, and my guess is that I would react similarly in those circumstances. When it's too close, not letting the feelings in must be a kind of self preservation. The sense that if you allowed yourself to feel it, it would take you down too. A good friend of mine lost his father, and their relationship had been difficult, and I never saw him grieve. Not like he did with his mother.
Posted using Partiko Android
Yes I went through the same with my parents. When my mother died, I fell apart for a couple days and now I miss her terribly. My Dad, who went second, hardly a blip, not because I didn't love him, but because it was complicated and the grieving is a more tortuous process. The family dynamic shifted big time too, so we have to also deal with that.
Clocks and calendars (and commitments) - it took decades for me to figure it out, but one reason I don't remember dates is because November 28, Julie went missing, and March 18, she was found dead, but I quite capable of writing these dates on a letter or in a checkbook without thinking this is the day--or waking in the morning, glancing at the newspaper date, and not thinking of it. Or, I used to be. Since 2015, that started changing. The 40-year anniversary became the 44th. I dread the 50-years-cold case. Anyway, the date on the calendar came to mean nothing to me, and unfortunately, I overlook everyone's birthdays now, in part because I attach no significance to my own, or anyone else's. Just a date on a calendar. My motto is to be nice to people every day. Send a card or email or token gift if you think o the person no matter what the date. Ignore Hallmark occasions that guilt-trip us into buying cards and useless trinkets to show you care. I care. I care about a lot of people, and I show it in my own way, on my own time. For Julie, about all I've accomplished is the planting of purple flowers to keep her favorite color on view from April to October. In the grand scheme of things it signifies nothing; she is six feet under and not at all likely to be viewing those she left behind; if there's an afterlife, she's off having a helluva good time in the stars. Somewhere. Somehow. I don't blame her for not looking back. (So many people "sense" their lost loved ones watching over them. I do not.) Sorry - this is longer than a five-minute freewrite! *Thinking of you and not gonna mail a card to prove it. (A pity: I love the story of the man who founded the Hallmark greeting card industry!)
I want to be as good a friend to you as you are to me.
Or something like that.
We can send our own heartfelt messages on steem, but I'll try not to rip of old Mr JC (Hall) when I do it anymore.
You the best, woman.
Awww! Sad to say, your opinion of me puts you in a very tiny minority. :)
I'm a curmudgeon!
Opinionated, annoying, and worse.
But I love you to bits!!!!!!
Then steem brings out your best.
People like you bring out my best.
You can actually find a lot of cut-throat drama on Steemit, if you don't make it a point to run from it as fast as you can. I'm happy to say I've seen none of it at @Freewritehouse! If there's a flare up, it's gone before I catch even a whiff.
Thanks for being here!!!
Aha. I did blog about him here!
New Years cards if you guiltily failed to send Christmas greetings
I am so sorry for your loss, I find it hard to read to the end, I had to force myself.
Am here to also deliver the new prompt to you.
...
...
You can also do us @freewritehouse a favour by checking through this post in a bid to win thousands of #neoxian power.
https://steemit.com/neoxianpowercontest/@zaku/neoxian-silver-neoxag-power-contest-for-communities-or-or-10k-neoxag-power-or-or
...
Do have a Blessed Sunday.
Thank you. I'm sorry it was difficult to read, it was "easy" to write. I guess I am getting ready.
Curated by @adsup and division of @adsactly.
Also, Kudos for @theycallmedan for bringing this to my attention.
Oh my thank you so much to both of you @adsactly (which I have JUST discovered) and especially @theycallmedan. And thank you for supporting this particular post, which is one that turned me inside out.
I believe that we never overcome mourning, we only learn to live with it, and with the absence of those we love.
We do learn to live with absences. It's odd how easy that can be; we wake up the next morning and have coffee and answer our emails. Then sometimes the grief swoops in and we swerve. (Swerve is not my word! @kimberlylane used it today, and I love the word.)
It is so strange the way we adapt to life without a person, although as you say we can act quietly or normally, until we simply remember and that is when we crumble like a sandcastle badly made in the face of a strong wind. I sometimes with my grandmother, and this year there are already 10 who is not with me!
Life is hard with the lost of loved ones.
I don't know what I would do if I lost my husband.
I've told him before that I rather go first before him because I don't think I can live a moment without him.. And I know I won't
So, my heart goes to you and the strength that you have
Very hard. And we all get through it somehow. The sun comes up and I make a pot of coffee the next day. You would too. You would have the strength you need, and, as you can see above, the support of Steemians galore!