A Note For The Father of My Sons

There is a severe imbalance in our relationship; I constantly feel great harm and diminished self worth when I have any kind of interaction with you. This triggers a reaction in me, a reaction to strike out at you, trying to use revenge as a way to get you to somehow see & understand how much suffering and anguish you are causing and to somehow get you to give a shit about that and to STOP DOING IT. When in reality the likelihood of any of those things happening is virtually none.

My hatred of you comes from a place of suffering and sorrow: from an extended period of deep pain that has spurred feelings of seething anger, and from the miserable humiliation and betrayal that I have felt several times over the past few years.

But, it's exhausting to hate you, and so even though you greatly deserve to be hated, it's in my best interest and the best interest of THE BOYS for me to let that emotion go.

I'm trying to consider how much pain you must be in to want to inflict that kind of pain back onto me and to your innocent children. And I'm trying to feel compassion for your pain. I'm trying to remember that you are probably behaving in such a hurtful way because you are struggling with a great number of things about which I am probably unaware.

My goal in telling you all of this is to help MYSELF so that I can truly move on and live a healthier life, which of course will also provide a healthier life for the kids.

I vow to MAKE ACTUAL TIME for doing things that I enjoy; leaving less time to dwell on the seemingly never ending distress that creates negativity in my life and creates my hatred of you.

I vow to nurture qualities in myself that will have no connection to you or to the negative, exhausting emotions like anger and hatred.

I vow to IMMEDIATELY cease any continued unnecessary interaction with you, so that I no longer 'lash out' toward you.

I vow to seek closure for the sense of abandonment that haunts me every single day. I always work to fill the empty void in LS's heart, and the sadness that eats at him, but that you never see because it's always masked by the temporary excitement and false sense of hope that he feels during the short periods of time that he speaks to you on the phone.

I vow to take all the steps that I can to make sure that L & Ldon't have to spend their rest of their lives wondering why their father didn't think they were worthy of loving/raising/living with.

Sometimes even something as devastating as being left behind can be a gift.

Forgiveness is for me, not you.

I recognize and accept that you have changed irrevocably and that you are beyond caring for my welfare.

I understand that you need to justify your own actions, and that you'll do this in any way possible. Including: rewriting history, lying, attacking me.

I vow to stop seeking the acknowledgement and the apology that I deserve.

I vow to turn my focus from the past toward the future and to celebrate my freedom as a single person.

The traumatic period of destabilization is finally coming to an end for me.