What it's like to be an ex-competitive fitness model returning to the gym...

I'd spent 4 months without training at any gym, spent 12 months without using any supplements like protein, pre workouts or fat burners, and spent 2 years without competing... Now, I'm back in the gym, and I'm being reminded why I never wanted to compete again.

Who here has ever said "Yep! This time I'm actually going to join a gym and get fit. I'm going to push myself so hard, and enjoy looking and feeling healthy and fit!" and after the first week, you start to back off...

...So many people staring at you,
...Feeling like everyone is so super fit and you can't be around them or taking up their space,
...Trying to get your training over and done with and get out of there,
...Realising that you've got so many distractions that you end up never hitting 100% of what your intensity was going to be, so you end up walking out without breaking a sweat.

Well, having been there for both sides of the scenario... being the 'bro' who would grunt and drop weights loudly, and also being the stick thin late teenager who couldn't bench what the other guys were curling, and now being the 25 year old rocking the 'dad bod' look before he's even a dad.

I've been able to say I've nver injected myself with any sort of substance... Sadly, it's something I've been starting to regret. Without it, it's made my experience a lot more dampening than I had hoped.

Left was me in 2011, right was June 2014.

Here's what I found it to be like when I started competing.

Much like a lot of other people, I figured 'Yeah I bet I could get up on stage and compete', having said that BEFORE I thought about eating the same meals every day for three months; white fish, sweet potato, and cucumber, although I got to choose a garnish, either Chilli, Lemon or Ginger. Three months, the same meal five times a day at the same time every day, weekends or weekdays. It was pretty mentally challenging. But I wanted it to be mentally challenging, like a lot of other people did. When it was mentally challenging, I was able to prove to myself that I can stick to my guns and see something through, even if it is taking the expression 'easier said than done' to the extreme, which it was.

But when I placed 7th in my first comp, ANB (Australian Natural Bodybuilding) male fitness model under 30, it was great. I was able to go on stage with a ridiculous tan, looking lean, and stand on stage in nothing but swimming trunks in front of a few thousand people. IT was liberating to be able to do that. I was even approached by a local supplement company who sponsored me, and provided my supplements as long as they could use pictures of me in their store to say that these sorts of guys get their supps from us. I also had a small following on instagram where I was also to share posts with supps with discount codes to generate leads for them.

After I placed in my first comp, I trained even harder, and went on to compete at the ANB asia-pacific championships in 2014, where it wasn't a state competition, it was the entire asia-pacific region. This was Australia, New Zealand, Fiji, Indonesia, New Caledonia and Bali.

Pre comp 2013, and pre comp 2014

In my second competition though, I did not place at all. No prizes, lost my sponsorship, and when I was backstage I saw something I didn't want to see but I should have expected; one of the winners dropping Anavar (oral steroid) backstage AT THE COMP. This was a natural competition, and one of the winners dropping var like its everybody's business.

Of course I told one of the judges. Who told me "not to be envious that he can draw a crowd. Plus if he does use gear, we have no way of telling if they stopped cycling 3 months ago to be clean anyway. Just enjoy the experience that you got to go on stage!" I was in disbelief that at natural competition, they are allowing steroid usage. I remembered looking around at all these guys and starting to realise I was probably one of the only guys who wasn't on the gear. There were a few others there as well who were looking around shocked like me as well who had also probably been under the presumption that steroids wouldn't be allowed in a natural comp.

There's Stagg, on the far left. Yes, with two coats of dream tan on.

It left me in such a huge amount of disbelief that I had always thought that natural guys were respected because they didn't have to inject themselves with anything. Then here I was staying clean, at a natural comp, and everyone was injecting themselves, and no one was staying clean. I just remember everything falling apart for me. I'd trained so hard, eaten so strict and well, turned down so many late nights with friends, and I didn't place because I wasn't willing to cheat. Then it turns out if I had of cheated, no one would have cared anyway.

So I just kept training for over a year, thinking and thinking about whether I would compete again, fully knowing that I could never compete again naturally. Slowly my training died down, stopped being at such high intensity, started having a casual beer every now and then after mid 2015, and started focusing on getting my business up and running and profitable that training just kept moving down and down my priority list.

Eventually earlier this year, I just stopped altogether. I realised that the more I was training, the more people were seeing me as an arrogant douchebag. Even if it was never intended, I hated the thought of people looking at me and thinking of me as one. So I did everything I could to never come across as an arrogant douchebag. Unfortunately it means stopping being the self-righteous showoff guy who would check in at the gym and take selfies in the mirror all the time. Even if it was earned, even if it was a confidence booster, I just didn't ever, ever want to be 'that guy'.

Now as I'm actively making an effort to begin training again, I've been approached by a few people who are selling steroids.

Now I've never used them, but because of the nature of my training, I knew other guys who were using them and taught me a lot about them. Tren, test C, Deca, Anavar, Clenbuterol, what they do for your body and how you can use them safely. Ironically after learning about steroids I learned they're not as dangerous as they're made out to be from a physical perspective. Mentally however they are one of the worst things to do to yourself.

Ironically I had a chance to meet Paige Hathaway in 2014. She was with Devin Zimmermann (Devin Physique) and I asked them what stack they were using. They said they use shredz supplements (their sponsors) but I interrupted and I said "no I mean the other stack. I've just started trying Test C and Deca and want to make sure I get it right". Of course Devin said he is using nothing but Tren, and Paige said she uses Var. If she uses any injectable gear it will increase her mass, so she sticks to using oral steroids.

One of Instagrams most popular fitness models uses Anavar. She won't tell anyone though because she'd lose everyone's respect. If all her followers knew they couldn't look like her without using Anavar, I don't think anyone would follow her. I feel like she wouldn't get the best sleep at night, I walked away wanting to call shenanigans (at a fitness expo lol) but I figured her living a lie was enough punishment for her.

It was also attention from the girlies that I always noticed. The guys I knew who were using gear would get constant attention all the time. Every time you were told that girls hate those massive guys that look like clouds', you'd be out in public with them, and you'd see them go home with a new girl every night. It was true that their actions would often contradict their words. I guess if my partner and the soon mother of my child had a partner who other women envied, it would make her feel more confident and unique, that she was able to find a guy who looked like I would.

Trained with Andy a few times. Same age, he's been on Tren since age 18. Obvious what the difference can be

Plus as well as that, no one would ever mess with the big lads out in public. But that wasn't just in a fight. That was wherever they went. No debt collector would want to try and get them angry. No one would want to refuse them a small loan. No one would ever want to say no to them because of just how intimidating they could be. It's so strange to see someone have such power over another person due to their size and evident strength.

So I found myself thinking lately...

If I use gear and compete in a natural comp, I'd win, I'd come out on top, but I'd never be able to tell anyone I'm using gear, ever, or I'd lose all the respect I'd built.

Or, I use gear and compete in IFBB which is an untested comp. Then I'd be able to be honest and tell everyone, but then I'd gain no respect because I'd be using steroids.

Or, I don't use gear, and compete in a natural comp, and I'd never come out on top, because someone using steroids who isn't telling anyone will come out on top and have a lot more respect.

I feel like I just couldn't win without pumping my body full of artificial testosterone.

Now that I've walked back into the gym, I feel like I'm starting all over again. My physique has gone, I can't lift what I used to, and I'm once again 'the gym noob' who looks like he has never lifted a thing in his life. I get the stares once again, people looking at me and wondering why I'm taking up their gym space they want to use after their set, having to walk past 'insta-fit' girls with their rockwear leggings and their thigh-gap selfies taken right beside me during a set, seeing the guys in the free weights section grunting and pushing big weights with a 1 rep max like I used to, dropping the weights loudly...

I guess considering that I'd trained hard, competed, realised it was all a giant lie and then stopped because of how backwards the fitness industry is, if people knew all that then they wouldn't look at me like the gym noob. It stopped me every time from ever looking down at any other gym noob, because they might be a great training partner who could help me push myself harder in the future as well.

I guess it's also pretty surreal to have such a convoluted perception of the industry, after seeing it from every angle, realising the benefits but realising you can't reap the benefits without being balls-deep in lies and deception all around you. It can really get to you.