LuLu Biggs Ch.4 - The LuLu Clause

Previously…

New York City “Pimp Daddy” and "Crime Boss" LuLu Biggs has returned to North America after three years of living abroad in Japan. What had originally been intended to be a short business trip in order to broker a deal with high ranking individuals of an infamous Yakuza family syndicate had turned into a prolonged stay. Biggs had to earn the honor of being worthy of doing business with the Japanese crime family in order to get what he wanted from them. In order to do so, Biggs joined a sumo wrestling stable coached by the legendary Risako Tomozuna in order to be deemed worthy by the Yakuza. LuLu became a fierce gaijin competitor in the dangerous sport of Sumo and claimed high respect in the process. Today Mr. Biggs uses his powerful technique and massive weight to fight in America's number one watched wrestling promotion… Ultimate Wrestling.

Recently LuLu Biggs just came out of the losing side of a grueling feud with the multibillionaire cyborg wrestler Jeremiah Vastrix in which both sides suffered great public humiliation and physical trauma. Now Biggs is regrouping to unleash unjustified vengeance upon the entire roster in an immature and juvenile fashion. After an extensively long wait to cross over the U.S., Mexican border, LuLu, and his business partner Slick Mick find themselves just outside of Mexico City on an extreme bender of epic proportions.

Ultimate Wrestling beware… Tis the season to be jolly bitches…

LuLu Biggs sat in a large old Mexican barn built in the late 1800s that he’d purchased many years ago to store drugs that the cartel would later transport over to the United States for him. He’d recently refurbished it however to be more of a place where he could escape the harsh winters of New York City. The barn was filled with dozens of prostitutes in strange topless elf costumes who were busy at work doing a multitude of tasks.
Some were serving Champaign and freshly made barbacoa tacos to Slick and Biggs who were sitting at a large wooden antique table clearly stoned out of their minds and drunk as hell. Others were busy feeding carrots and celery to a bunch of burrows Biggs had inexplicably purchased from an eccentric mustachioed farmer. The rest were busy preparing what looked to be a replica of Santa Clause’ sleigh and packing a giant red satin bag with various unspeakable things.

LuLu was smoking a rather large blunt filled with the finest Kush kind buds money could buy while examining a parchment with a list of names from the Ultimate Wrestling roster and management team. It was LuLu’s personal “Mad Pimping” and “Playah hating” list. The jolly old fat bastard was hard at work figuring out who’d been mad pimping this year and who’d been restricting. It was clear with his red bloodshot glazed eyes and his rosy red cheeks that the LuLu Clause inside of him had awoken again and soon he would be bringing all the good boys and girls of Ultimate Wrestling exactly what they deserved.

Musical Narrator: “You’re a fat ass, Mr. Biggs. Yeah, you’re really are obese! Your appetite knows no bounds, you’re fingers are full of grease, Mr. Biggs your farts clear a room faster than the police!

After stuffing his fat face full of more taco’s than any other human could possibly safely consume, LuLu got up from his table and dawned his fancy LuLu Clause pimp suit and feathered cap. Slick Mick followed LuLu’s example and the two drunken pimps stumbled their way to their sleigh that had been hooked to the Mexican donkeys. The women dressed in their queer elf suits gathered around their jolly daddy macks to hear the words that old St. Biggs had to say.

Mr. Biggs: Gather round elf hookers your work is done! Thanks to you, tonight the men and women of Ultimate Wrestling will be visited by old St. Biggs! My belly is full of barbacoa and tequila, my lungs coated in THC, and now I’m ready to ride my sleigh into the glorious solstice night jubilee!

The prostitutes clapped enthusiastically as Biggs and Slick boarded their sleigh on wheels and prepared for launch. With a masterful crack of a dominatrix whip, he’d borrowed from one of his prostitutes the LuLu Clause sent his burrows forward out of the barn into the dead of night as they pulled his sleigh out onto the road leading to Mexico City.

Musical Narrator: You’re a nut job, Mr. Biggs! You’re as crazy as a loon! Your brain is on drugs, the world is your cartoon, Mr. Biggs I wouldn’t cross you for all the cheese on the moon!

Biggs rode his sleigh through traffic waving like a stoned jackass to all the angry Mexican citizens honking at him frustrated with his sleigh slowing and blocking traffic. LuLu and Slick instantly became fluent in the wonderful colorful Spanish language with such words yelled at them as “jódete gilipollas” and “retardos” that they instantly felt welcomed. An hour later they’d arrived at the Estadio Azteca the site for Friday Night Clash 13. LuLu brought his sleigh to a halt near the back entrance of the arena and the two pimps dismounted their festive carriage.

LuLu tossed the large red satin bag over his back and Slick pulled out a crowbar from out of the sleigh and began to go to work on breaking into the stadium. While Slick tended to the rear entrance door LuLu disconnected the reigns from the lead donkey he’d named Renaldo. Suddenly a magical loud crack was heard and the rear door swung open. Biggs and Mick along with their faithful donkey Renaldo entered the arena with laughter and giggles in their hearts.

Mr. Mudcock and Mr. Anderson had set up their local offices and forced their handyman Ron Washington to assign and label all the lockers. Thanks to Valora being outed as a terrorist, Ultimate Wrestling was stuck in Mexico City for the foreseeable future. This made it easy for the LuLu Clause to find the individuals on his pimptastic list. First on his list was his opponent for this week’s show the Appalachian Hillbilly Huckleberry. Once at the locker with the Huckster’s name on it, LuLu Clause opened the door and then set his heavy bag onto the floor.

Mr. Biggs: Ho! Ho! Ho!!! Well it isn’t Huckleberry first on my list!

Slick Mick: Is he pimpish or playah hating LuLu Clause?

Mr. Biggs: let’s see what the busy little elves dug up… hmmm… well it says here he’s been mad pimpish. He helped save the life of Mr. Reinhardt at Death Sport and he’s been a real pain in the ass for Mr. Mudcock since winning the Franchise championship.

Slick Mick: Well alright then!

Mr. Biggs: Hold up here…. Hmmm, it says here the Huckster hasn’t been laid all year. In fact, he’s had more sex with family members than people outside of his own DNA pool…

Slick Mick: Man that’s some fucked up shit right there Lu Lu! I don’t want be hearing about that white trash nasty southern shit!

Mr. Biggs: I have just the thing for this little man! 65% off any ho at Biggs and Mick's brothels this side of the border!

LuLu Clause reached into his bag and pulled out what looked to be coupon with a sexy lady on it, naked, spread eagle. He placed it in Huckleberry’s locker with a note stating it was from the LuLu Clause.
Musical Narrator: You’re disgusting, Mr. Biggs. You’re as trusting and trustworthy as a snake, you eat pussy like its cake! Mr. Biggs, given a choice between the two of you I’d take the snake!

LuLu moved on to the next locker that read “Jeremiah Vastrix”. A crooked smile came over the stoned LuLu Clause as he opened Jeremiah’s locker. Memories of their crazy fight at Brawl at the Wall 2 flooded his mind and he began to conceive how he’d repay his arch-nemesis.

Mr. Biggs: Jeremiah Vastrix! Hah! I don’t even have to look at my list for this phony fake news mother fucker!

Slick Mick: What’s he getting Biggs? What’s this playah hating piece of garbage getting!

Mr. Biggs: You may want to take the Donkey and step away for a moment Slick… you know for safety reasons…

Slick grabbed the reigns to Renaldo and walked the donkey to the other side of the locker room. LuLu's stomach grumbled loudly as the 600-pound behemoth pulled down his pants and boxers and then grunted loudly like a woman giving labor. Suddenly the sound of explosive diarrhea being spattered all inside Jeremiah’s locker, wrestling gear, and inside of his wrestling boots echoed throughout the men’s locker room. Slick started laughing uncontrollably as the LuLu Clause made sure to empty his entire colon in Jeremiah’s locker.

Slick Mick: God damn LuLu!

LuLu Clause: Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas you cyborg mother fucker! Hope he enjoys that one when he opens his locker!

LuLu used Jeremiah’s pants to wipe his fat ass and then closed the locker to keep the ungodly smell from flooding into the room completely. He then pulled out his list and a pen and crossed off the first two names on the list.

Musical Narrator: You’re a nasty one Mr. Biggs, Your ass is pasty, powerful, and putrid! Your bowels full crap, nether’s full of clap! The three best words that describe you are as follows and I quote. “Shit, Shittier, Shittiest!”

He then walked over to Evolution’s locker and opened it. His strange ceremonial Aztec outfit was hung inside of it along with his tag team partner Metamorphosis’s gear. He shook his head disapprovingly as he rifled through their weird paraphernalia.

Mr. Biggs: Evolution… this asshole crippled Kronin and then attacked him again when he was in a wheelchair…

Slick Mick: Man LuLu, that shit is cold! You know what I’m saying?

Mr. Biggs: Tell me about it. This guy is definitely a playah hater! Shit, he’s so stiff and uptight I don’t think he’s ever known the joy of being with a woman.

Slick Mick: Man playah, what woman in her right mind would sleep with a man with a face like a snake?

Mr. Biggs: I don’t know man… there some freaky ass bitches out there. Well… Renaldo’s laxatives are probably going to start kicking in any minute here… might want to get him turned around there slick.

Slick Mick: Haha… ooh yeah forgot about those…

Slick lead the donkey around and lined him up so his rear end was pointed directly in front of the opening of Evolutions locker. It was clear the donkey was going to need a little coaxing so Biggs and Slick began rubbing his belly until they heard a rumble inside.

Slick Mick: Fire in the hole!

Suddenly the burrows tail lifted into the air and an epic amount of donkey shit doused Evolutions locker room and attire. The smell from the excrement caused Slick to lose his dinner as he began vomiting up the taco’s he’d eaten earlier in the night. Even LuLu who was used to the strong smell of methane gas was taken aback by the perfuse offensiveness of the odor.

Mr. Biggs: Man… there going to have to burn that shit. Isn’t a dry cleaner in of Mexico going be able to get that out know what I’m saying Slic?

Slick Mick: Man… I’m going back to sleigh dog. This shit is to rank even for me!

Mr. Biggs: Haha! Ho! HO! Alright, then I’ll finish this mischief without you! LuLu Clause never quits on Christmas!

Slick Mick: Whatever man… you’re crazy… I’m going to go light up this blunt. I ain’t high enough for this shit!

Slick ran back to the sleigh as LuLu lit another fatty before throwing his Santa sack over his back and leading Renaldo out of the locker room only stopping to place a bottle of Vodka next to Boris’s locker. He then guided his burrow to the office of his boss Rupert Mudcock. Biggs got into a sumo stance and then busted in the M.O.X. Media Mogul's door with excessive weight and power. He then led Renaldo into Rupert's office before getting down on his knee in order to look the donkey in the eyes and speak to him man to donkey.

Mr. Biggs: Listen here Renaldo. Mr. Mudcock is a very lonely man and he needs a friend. I’m leaving here old friend so that you can keep him company. You see his wife is an angry shrew and his only friend is that vile sorry excuse for a human being Mr. Anderson. It will be up to you Renaldo to melt the ice around Rupert’s cold heart! I must take my leave now! There many more throughout this fair city LuLu Clause must visit! Many more gifts I must deliver, for Christmas comes but once a year!

LuLu got back up on his feet and secured the door before heading back to the sleigh to meet his compatriot Slick Mick and the rest of the burrows. He mounted his sleight and cracked his whip and LuLu Clause was once again seen traveling the Mexico City roads causing chaos and spreading goodwill.

Musical Narrator: You sicken me, Mr. Biggs. You’re a crooked dirty pimp, you’ve got crooked dirty mind, Mr. Biggs you’re a devious, destructive, force of nature with a feather in your cap!