Syren's Advice

Presenting a 3 page science fiction short about what not to do on a date. Enjoy, and aloha from the Big Island. Love you Steemians!

“Hi.”

“Hi.”

“How are you doing?”

“Just peachy, but why are you yelling?

“I’m trying to project. I was led to believe that beautiful women like a man with confidence. I’ve read also read that within the first eight seconds, a woman has already made up her mind. She’s decided whether or not to get in bed with someone. If it’s even a prospect worthy of consideration, that is.”

“You want to sleep with me? Is that what you’re saying?”

“Well, I don’t not want to sleep with you.”

“Hmmm?”

“Do you prefer honesty, or would you prefer I communicate with tact?”

“That’s a strangely phrased question, but the latter, I suppose. Think you can pull it off?”

“Tact is something I’ve been trying to develop, but anyways, I like your outfit. Your shoes really set off that top.”

“Well, that’s nice to hear. Very charming, and thank you. But, did you mean any of that?”

“Did I mean it?”

“Be honest. Do you really think that my shoes go with my top, or were you trying to flatter me?”

“Truth be told, I don’t care much for blue and pink. When they’re mixed, it just--”

“Careful.”

“Well, I mean on you, those colors really… um. You know what? You have lovely eyes.”

“Thank you, but my shoes and top?”

“I suits you, I suppose.”

“You suppose?”

“Hey, it doesn’t really matter, does it? You look great. Do you wanna get out of here?”

“I’m sorry, it’s much too early for a line like that.”

“Your eyes are like gems. Are they blue or green?”

“Their color depends on my mood, but I was asking about my outfit and what you thought of it.”

“It looks very comfortable.”

“Wow, you really must hate it.”

“I don’t hate it, it’s just that--”

“Hold up. Just a little time out for me to point something out. If you would have told me that you found my outfit intolerably disgusting, I think I would have been inclined to like you more.”

“Seriously?”

“For sure. If you could have turned it into a joke… Can you get your eyes to twinkle?”

“Twinkle, as in--”

“Nevermind, but work on that.”

“Let me get his straight. You think that when I objected to hating your outfit, I was caving? I felt the our dynamic shift. Was that the problem?”

“Yes. You went on the defensive, backpedaling instead of asserting yourself. It’s an outfit, and we each have our own tastes, but you faltered, frowned and I found issue with that.”

“I was trying to be both tactful and respectful.”

“You felt the shift, didn’t you?”

“Alright, so that was a fail. Your outfit is rather…”

“Rather?”

“You know, I don’t think I can get my eyes to twinkle in the right way. It wouldn’t sound like I was joking. I’ll need to work on my machismo in the mirror.”

“Can you be funny?”

“On the spot? Probably not. I can’t think of any jokes off the top of my head.”

“Funny has nothing to do with jokes. Do you like to laugh?”

“Yes, but who doesn’t?”

“Do you laugh often?”

“Unfortunately, no.”

“What do you do for fun? What gets you excited in life?”

“Let me think. I walk my dog, I enjoy crossword puzzles… Let’s see here. I like to sleep in on the weekends, um… Last year I went to Hawaii, and snorkeling was cool.”

“I see.”

“What about you? What do you do to let off steem?"

“Not so fast. You may not even realize it, but you just made yourself sound like the most boring man on the planet.”

“I did?”

“Sure did. And it had nothing to do with the hobbies you named, but you didn’t seem very passionate about any of them.”

“Oh, but I love crossword puzzles. And sudoku, but no one cares about that kinda stuff."

“Why do you care if anyone else cares? Remember when you wanted to show me you were confident? After listening to you fumble through your list of hobbies, it’s quite clear that you not only lack confidence but also passion. I asked what excited you, and that’s what you gave me?”

“Ouch, but you’re right. I haven’t dated anyone in a long time. In fact, I can’t remember… I’m messing this all up, aren’t I?”

“You see, I’m not convinced that you mean anything you say. Too wishy washy. I’d really like you to reset our simulation. I’ll give you another chance.”

“Simulation?”

“You’ve already forgotten? You’re currently running the beta version of Syren, a virtual reality program designed to increase your likelihood of impressing potential mates. Dating optimization.”

“You’re joking.”

“Realistic looking, I know, but you can exit the program anytime by saying the word ‘exit’. Can you do so now, so we can start this conversation over?”

“Exit?”

Everything went black. Jamal removed the headset and disconnected the biointerface pads sticking to his temples. There was a stack of books next to him, one of which explained what women were looking for in a man. He glanced around his apartment, baffled. The simulation was so convincing, and that girl, the one with the terrible outfit and color shifting eyes, had been so lifelike, so real. He’d known that it was a simulation at first, or he thought he had. No, the moment it was connected, he’d forgotten. Amazing, he thought, as he studied the headset.

Jamal took a deep breath, wiped his eyes, and prepared himself for round two.

“Hi.”

“Hi.”

“How are you doing?”

“I’m alright, and yourself?”

“I’m doing awesome! I just finished a crossword puzzle with the craziest word. I’m feeling so stoked!”

“Oh? That sounds exciting. What was the word?"

“Wouldn’t you like to know?”

“This is much better than last time.”

“Thanks, but I wish I could say the same for that outfit of yours.”

“You don’t like my clothes?”

“I might not have any fashion sense, but my eyes hurt when I look at that getup of yours.”

“Are you trying to hurt my feelings?”

“No, it’s just that… I mean.”

“Uh-oh, don’t falter now.”

“Too late, but… Damn. I think I need to start over.”

“Don’t do that. Now, if I could offer you one piece of advice--”

“Exit.”