The Unwanted Artifact

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Kourk One-Eyed looked at Ennzio the Magnificent suspiciously. “What’s that then?” he asked.

Ennzio threw back his cape and displayed such a look of shock and bewilderment that his long thin moustache began to vibrate. “Good sir!” he exclaimed. “How can you ask such a question of me? This is the very artifact that you requested my dear sir. My person, along with my brave and noble adventuring companions, did set forth through the Plains of Dulgroon, across the Viscual Sea, and into the deep, dark dungeon of Mal’suk just to retrieve for you this very item. It has been delivered, and I will now accept payment for services rendered.”

The artifact sat on the ground between them, nearly as big as a man. Kourk looked the artifact up and down slowly and then glanced meaningfully at Ennzio. He motioned at the artifact, raising his eyebrow and hoping Ennzio would get the hint. Ennzio didn’t.

With a loud sigh Kourk said. “Are you actually hoping to convince me that this be the artifact I hired you to find?”

Ennzio nodded vigorously, “Of that there can be no doubt, Sir. My wizard, Astunthelies the Flagrant, used his magic to guide us to the dungeon. Once there, we had to face monsters so vicious and terrible that I dare not put the horrors into words lest your sleep become as fitful as mine has been since the day we first descended into those depths. But we were glad to do it, Sir, because once we found the treasure, my wizard again used his magic to identify this artifact. It was then that we all knew we had completed our quest and could take pride in delivering to you exactly that which you seek.”

Kourk sighed, “Look here, I don’t know what you’re trying to pull, but I can see with my own eye this cannot possibly be the right thing. Look, I got the quest from the Jade Empress herself…”

“Yes, yes” Ennzio said, “you explained all of that when you hired us.”

Kourk nodded, “So you can see that to complete the quest I’ve got to give the artifact to the Jade Empress.”

Ennzio nodded enthusiastically, motioning again at the artifact. “And here it is! Presenting it should be no problem. It hardly weighs anything at all. You can pick it up and carry it by the pole. Now, about the payment…”

But Kourk had begun feeling the force of his argument and would not be dissuaded so easily.

“It ain’t a matter of weight,” Kourk said, “It’s a matter of laughter you see.”

“Laughter?” Ennzio asked, for the first time feeling that the conversation was slipping away from him. “I’m afraid I don’t follow good sir.”

“The way I sees it.” Kourk said, “If I show up with something what’s clearly wrong and present it to the Jade Empress in front of the entire court, they’ll hear the laughter in the next county.”

Ennzio shrugged, “Yes, but the fact that you are completely overlooking is this isn’t the wrong thing. Look, maybe we should go about this a different way my good fellow. What was it that you were expecting to receive?”

“What I was expecting was a bit of silk cloth on a stick, which she could have folded and put in her pocket. But what you brought me here is a birdcage on a pole with a couple of knives stuck in it!”

Ennzio considered for a moment, “Perhaps it would help if my dear wizard Astunthelies were to come over here and identify it before you? Then you could see it’s identification performed with your own eyes?”

Kourk shook his head, “I knows how those identification spells work, he comes over here an wiggles his fingers a bit and then just tells us what it is, right? Well, he could tell us it’s whatever he wants and how am I to know?”

Ennzio had to concede the point. Even though he trusted Astunthelies and knew there was no chance he could have made an error, it wasn’t like the name of the item appeared in glowing letters for all to see.

“Look,” Kourk said uncomfortably, “I know you went through a lot of trouble to get this…” he paused, looking the artifact up and down uncertainly, “this whatever it is. So how’s about I give you three gold pieces for your troubles, and you take this thing with you.”

“Good sir!” Ennzio said in shock, his moustache downright quivering at this point, “You promised us fifty gold pieces upon delivery.”

“That I did,” Kourk replied, “but that were upon satisfactory delivery, and I’m not satisfied with this thing.”

Ennzio looked at the artifact for a moment, pondering his options. Finally, he looked back over at Kourk and said, “Well sir, I believe we did perform satisfactorily. I do not believe my group of adventurers could complete this quest you have bequeathed us any better than we already have. If you are certain you will not accept the artifact, then I suggest you release us from our contract and allow us to deliver the item directly to the Jade Empress and thus receive our reward directly.”

Kourk laughed, “You wanna give this to the Empress?” Then he began to think it over again, squinting his one eye at the artifact and wondering if he was making a mistake.

“I do indeed!” Ennzio proclaimed. “In fact, if you will release us and allow us to deliver this to her, I will not even ask you for the three pieces of gold you offered.”

Kourk grinned and nodded at the idea of saving that money. “Yeah, yeah, alright then, you’re released. Good luck with the Jade Empress. I’ll be waiting here, listening for the laughter.”

Ennzio received an altogether different reception at the palace as he marched up with the artifact in hand. He was ushered in to see the Jade Empress, who smiled as soon as she saw what Ennzio was carrying.

“I love this country over which I rule,” she said, “but it is a hot and humid place. I am extremely grateful that you have returned with the artifact I requested. Place it here by my throne.”

Ennzio did as he was told, and the Jade Empress reached out and touched the pole with her finger. “I invoke you,” she said in a firm voice. The blades inside of the cage began to spin, and her hair began fluttering in the breeze. She let out a small ah of pleasure and said, “The Fan of Continual Breezes is as wonderful as legend said it was. You, sir, will be very richly rewarded for bringing it to me.”

As Ennzio bowed, his smile was so broad that his moustache nearly touched his ears.

Originally Published May 25th 2019 on The Weekly Knob