[Fiction] Part 2. I am the last human on earth, and quite blind without my glasses. One day they finally break. In this new unfocused world, it becomes apparent why I was the only one spared.
I decided to humor the shapes further. Imaginary or not, they were the first entities I'd spoken with in several years.
"To what end," I inquired, "were the humans removed from Earth?"
"The planet is to be turned into an amusement park," said the tallest shape yet. "There will be rides and clowns and funnels cake."
"Did the planet not already have amusement parks?" I asked.
"None large enough," said the tallest shape agreeably. "The species that will frequent this amusement park are the size of your structures here."
He gestured with a fat tentacle at the dormant steel towers all around us.
"I see," I said. "And were the humans consulted about this?"
"A few were," said the first shape. "Don't misunderstand. We are upstanding galactic citizens and businessmen. But the humans were hardly making use of their planet."
"In fact they were destroying it," said the second shape.
"And each other."
"We probably could have left them to their primitive devices and picked up the irradiated pieces in a few hundred years. But the early Snargle gets the Snurgle, as they say."
I was beginning to worry. Were hallucinations meant to be this garrulous? I resolved to try and touch one again, for scientific purposes.
"Please don't," said the first shape as I reached out a hand.
"I would like to speak to your manager," I said with as much firmness as I could muster.
They took me up in a glass and crystal spacecraft. The city fell away and the empty gulf of space erupted all around it and then we were hanging beneath a ship so massive and angular that I could get the general idea even without my glasses. The hallucination hypothesis, it seemed, had been disproved. I forced myself to breathe, understanding that my very existence now depended on acting as if my very existence was in no danger whatsoever.
We ambulated together down a hallway with a floor of purple foam and into a large space I understood to be an office.
"What's this?" demanded the manager.
"An angel," said the shape to my immediate left.
"Because it looks like a human," said the manager, "and if it's a human, let me tell you, heads are going to roll."
"It only looks like a human," said the shape to my right. "It's a being of immense celestial power, clouds and light, hefting a shiny sword, und so weiter."
"Because there are certain economies of scale here," said the manager, "and while we could certainly afford to ship all the humans to Epsilon Epsilon simultaneously, shipping one by his lonesome would blow a hole in our bottom line big enough to cram a Rancor through."
"Wait," I said, unable to stop myself. "You're telling me Rancors are real? Of all the things in Earth's science fiction? It's the Rancor?"
"Also Porgs," whispered the shape behind me.
I could see that the secret was soon to be out.
"Okay, I'll admit it," I said. "I'm a human."
The shapes gasped and flounced their tentacles together.
"But I don't have to be a pain in your collective backside," I said. "I'd be happy to work on your ship, in an undocumented capacity if necessary, until such time as it becomes convenient for me to hitch a ride to Epsilon Epsilon."
The shapes conferred.
"I'm a quick learner, and I always give 110%," I said. "I also have experience with Microsoft Office."
"Including Excel?" asked the manager suspiciously. "The advanced functions and formulas?"
"I'm an Index/Match master," I assured him.
It was settled. I would report to the medical bay for a full physical, to ensure I wasn't bringing aboard any horrible Earth pathogens, and begin work the following morning.
A medical drone flitted over every inch of my dirty, pebbled skin.
"EXTREME MYOPIA DETECTED," it beeped. "PERMISSION TO CONDUCT LASER CORRECTION?"
"Granted," said my accompanying shape before I could object.
There was a hot light and a flash-flash, and I discovered I could see. As expected, the tall black alien was hideous. It had tiny round eyes in clusters at the top of its head, and no mouth. Its tentacles writhed and pulsated. It had four dainty arms with three fingers each, and a pair of thick legs with floppy elephant ears at the bottom. The alien worried its limbs together apprehensively.
"Oh dear," it said. "You weren't able to see us until now, were you?"
"You look great," I said. "In fact I'd give you a hug to prove it."
I was bluffing: the thought of hugging this creature made my skin boil. Luckily it seemed to find me as repulsive as I found it.
"It's the orifices of your face," the alien admitted. "They're so wet and smacky. And your eyes, with that white part--"
It shuddered. I reminded it that we're all more than our outer appearances would suggest.
"Yes, yes," it said, and showed me to my room.