Lava Bears vs Snopes short story bored

i hope the good people at snopes are gathered in their entirety in say an office building or ball room or some bs and all of a sudden theres a deafening bang as though a god sized indiana jones cracked his whip under them. next the ground rips apart only a small 6 foot gash at first but it quickly branches out in broken, jagged lines like lightning. the room is immediately unrecognizable as the structure buckles every which way as mother earth stretches and cracks her back. perhaps half the congregation of fact twisting manipulators have already been swallowed into what one imagines are the pits of hell. their screams trail off far too long, looney-tunesesque, drawing the survivors' attention to the myriad of quirks their crevasse was displaying. The room was warm, hot even. There was a thick, rolling rumble echoing beneath them. All of the screams didnt simply trail off forever, they sizzled out at the end, hissing like a drop of water on an element in use. the screams ended, and a more animal growl took its place. a reddish orange hue bathed the walls of the crevasse in at first a soft glow, but quickly harsher. With this, the rumble persisted into a belching rush sound, deafening and upon them. The entire room was now boiling and lit up bright red. Finally, a tidal wave of red polar bears bearing machine guns rose high in the air, propelled by a geyser of molten lava. they roared guttural battle cries and fell on their scattered foe, emptying magazines left and right.

it was a goddamn massacre. seeing this, the biggest, baddest lava bear raised a closed red paw. all shooting and mauling and man rapes (what the lava bears call it) ceased. He slowed his magic harley davidson and turned it towards the floor where he saw a pathetic Snopian. Touching down and dismounting in a single fluid motion like a 600lb gold medal gymnast, he approached the last remaining survivor, whose lungs were gurgling from a bullet wound in his chest. he was drowning. Getting as close as possible, the majestic red lava bear leaned in close, pressing his forepaws into the mans wounds. a muffled whistling sound as coming from somewhere under a paw. Its breath came in hot and wet and concentrated a strong burst from each nostril. it was almost worse than everything else combined, he was pretty sure scent he recognized was called rotting carcass. He whimpered, and began to cry for his mother.

"Enough!" the bear roared. "Now behold me, filthy man-scum, for I am Bumbles, King of the Lava Broars! we are all Broars, though all save for us have forgotten." He paused to consider his next words as the man bled out, dumfounded. " If you think that we are Bears not Broars, and I, an ignorant animal, couldnt be right- then that is fine I say! If you are right shouldnt a proper debunking set us all straight?" with that he grinned as much as bears do and pulled up his eyepatch to look once more at the man, and then Bumbles bit the man's head clean off. he spat it back down the pit. "for the wall of our trophy cave, he smiled at his she-mate. now home to feast."

with that, he lumbered over to his harley, looking more bear than king.
if we plugged the head of the man into a computer, we would see his last thought was not fully-formed, but we get a sense of it. His last sight burned onto his retinas for us to view does help, though. He feels angry, confused, and cheated. sort of like a child who doesnt get his way. The last thing he saw was a smug red face with an eyepatch flipped up. He had written BITE upside down, so when flipping the patch up it reads properly. directly below the BITE patch in Bumble's eyesocket, is a polished chrome ball, best described as a mirror. somehow they made it to not warp the reflection regardless of being spherical. One can empathize with the Snopian at this trivialization of the climax of his whole entire life.