MY CRUSH

PREFACE
I had always admired the style of writing from different books I have read, and while reading, I have realized so many times that the stories are written on what I can always relate with and reading them seem like I was thinking or the writer reads my mind.
I had always want to put my thoughts into writing, I remember those times I had a particular idea and I felt so good about myself, I was proud and I believed I can do something meaningful. I give kudos to all great and aspiring writers I know @warpedpoectic @jerrybanfield @madevi @poetrybyjeremy and many others, like I will say, “MORE INK TO YOUR PEN,MORE MUSE TO YOUR THOUGHTS”
I look forward to writing better and being better.

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It was the 21th century,2009 to be precise and at this time, I am sure I was done with the external examination for Junior School and access to the internet was a bit on the rise for people like us. I was opportune to be on the popular social network application then, 2GO as it was called.
The journey began when a friend from my class, 0LATUNJI shared me a contact. I will say I do not know why I accepted the request though I was mad about it because while growing up, I was very strict with guys; you would not blame me, I was acting according to instructions every girl get while she approaches the adolescent age-do not allow a boy touch you.

OBAFEMI, the name of the guy who was shared as I got to know ,he stays in the outskirts of Lagos, I cannot remember how old he was when I got to know him but I know he was a very close friend of OLATUNJI. Like I stated earlier, I was a very strict ‘no nonsense’ young girl. I gave rules before a chat begins and I do not hesitate before I have contacts blocked. I do not allow sharing contacts without my consent and many other rules in that aspect.

I realized that my friendship with OBAFEMI would be quiet different when I refused to block him and when I added him again after I had him blocked and yes, when I gave out my number. What was happening? And who was this guy? We had discussions, obviously, everyone starts from getting to know one another better and of course, how can I forget one of the chats we had years after? It was about menstrual cramps, I was still young then and it felt like he was more experienced from the kind of reply I got.

Like I said that I knew our friendship will be different, we had several discussions which I do not remember obviously, but we grew fond of one another. I began to like him (smiles). We chatted late into the night continuously for years. Whenever he was online, I would lie on my back and the journey begins. There was a time I was so engrossed in my chat with him that my Grandma complained to my mum that I had become a phone addict-you would not blame me.

I do not remember that I had a reason for liking him then, it was just natural and we began to enjoy one another’s company. And the night came when I asked him ‘can I trust you”, why I asked him that, I do not know till today. Then I had fallen head over heels for him in my mind and I will say that is where it all began.

As time went by, I began to LIKE HIM,I was strict remember, but I was a young Christian also. I shared with him the little truth I had known and talked to him about reading his bible-it was my way of keeping my conscience under check, a way to not admit that I liked him and that something had begun to build up, as we were strongly warned against dating. I wanted to have something to defend myself, I was right about my teachings and all, but I had the wrong motive for doing so. But fortunately, it worked quite well, OBAFEMI as the years passed became more intimate with God that I felt like a sinner and a novice whenever we discussed God’s word. Wow! The guy of my dreams!

Sometimes, I get scared that I was making all this up and that only I felt all the butterflies and all those emotions. I use to think that the fact that we are both young Christians will restrict confessing our feelings to one another. We chat, we talk about things, sometimes, he compliments me, sometimes, his comments shows how he feels and I know this; a girl always knows. To everyone else, we are friends, but deep down, we both know the truth. He comes to visit me sometimes, like thrice or more in a year, we meet at a place, it was a popular spot in the environs of the University of first choice as it is called, it was serene and the vegetations could not be more green, the view was breath taking and I loved to watch the cars move to and fro on the third-mainland bridge. And just like we discuss online, we just sit and talk about whatever comes to mind.

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Though I am very shy and say nothing, his being around is the best thing that happens at that moment and I could not ask for more. There was a time he came around, we were at our usual spot, we had been around for a while and I had to check my phone, he sent me a text right there. He told me how much he enjoyed being around me, I just smiled, I ran out of words.

Can he not just spit it out already? Just tell me how you feel already, I am so tired of trying to guess or find out myself. Just hold my hands, look into my eyes and say it the best way it can be said.
Daydreams are a part of everyday life; our imaginations they say are very powerful. This is asserted by the popular saying ‘if you can think it, you can be it”, fact also has it that people spend half of their waking hours daydreaming. I said I began to love OBAFEMI, I spent time thinking of him, I imagined how we would go out together, talk, argue, fight etc. I imagined that he would confess his love to me and all other beautiful thought a girl has when she thinks she is in love. Do not tell this to anyone-I even pretend he calls me over the phone and we discuss like two people who are in love-strange right?

I have been talking about MASON for a while now, but here is the thing is, there were times I crushed on other guys too. I used to like a guy before OBAFEMI came around and even after he came around, but my crush with MASON beat other crushes on guys. They say I AM BEAUTIFUL,I really get angry at this because as a result of being “beautiful” I get so many advances, some VERY annoying and some breath taking, but I just try to push them off, I told myself my heart was saved for someone.

Yes, I LOVE HIM, but my kind of person gives me difficulty in directly expressing my feelings. I do not know if he is aware of my feelings for him, but never have I spoke to him of it; a decent girl does not ask a guy out I thought, he was to tell me when he feel like it. I will not deny, I give hints sometimes, I make him feel special on his birthdays, I send him loads of carefully selected messages and voice notes that contain heartfelt words and songs. I do not know if he reads meaning from those gestures, but I know I care about him and show it the best and decent way possible.

Hmmm.., love has so many sides to it, the sweet and very beautiful side and of course, the very annoying and complicated one. OBAFEMI and I communicated most times online via the whatsapp application and that was the possible way since he did not live close by. Talking of the ugly side of love, there were times we had arguments, very funny and unnecessary ones. When I looked back to what caused it, they had very stupid reasons.

I would stop talking to him and this goes on for days, he calls me or sends a text most times just to know what went wrong, I give very straight answers and after the fight has ended, he tells me he hates it when we fight and it feels good when he apologizes-you can almost see my cheeks getting red. I think that was his way of telling me he cared about me.

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There was a time he told me of his secret; it was at night after a vigil for choir rehearsal. I wondered what it was about though, he told me not to tell anyone, but at the end of the day, the secret was about me. He told me he remembered when we got talking and how he noticed I was a different girl. He said he prayed to God to keep me as his friend. Awww, was so sweet, I went over the chat again and again, some of his words were “as time went by, I stopped liking you, I loved you’ there is this feeling I get though, whenever he tells me these things, my heart almost falls out of my mouth, but at least, it felt very good to know this.

When we are asked why that we like that special person, we might not have much to say, we smile sheepishly and say ‘I do not know why I like him’. Same goes for this guy, but there are other qualities that just make him unique. The first reason is the same one everyone has, the natural attraction that cannot be explained. The other reason which is actually very rare is the fact that OBAFEMI speaks the truth to me always; he never takes sides with me on any issue and makes sure the right thing is done; most importantly, the fact that he loves God wraps everything up, it just feels safe knowing him.

Well, everyone has their bad sides and as perfect as OBAFEMI might seem, he still has his bad side. Obafemi has gotten me angry as much as I have known him, if there is anything that angers me about him, it is the fact that he makes me stupid. Yes, we chat over the phone and all but it does not mean I cannot get the true meaning of words. There are times we discuss issues and he just comes up with this very annoying attitude that at the end of the day leaves me stupid. He does not know this but he has actually made me cry because of this attitude of his, I felt so very hurt.

There were times I could not just hold it in any more, I told him about his wrongs. Well, I had to forgive him eventually. He still does it though.
Yes, daydreams are fun, you have what you will not be able to access in reality, but as good as they are, they began to take the better part of me. I was so distracted that al I thought of was how I will eventually get to be with OBAFEMI, it got so bad that I was scared of myself. As a young Christian, I will say I was not really doing well in terms of spiritual growth, I had my shortcomings and the distractions from crushing on a guy did not just make it any better. I had a talk with someone who I believed had better experience than I did and he told me to get rid of my distractions, it was not the right time to be involved in such he told me, as growing spiritually ought to be my priority. I agreed with him and began to believe that I was being distracted by OBAFEMI. This brought about thought of leaving him and moving on. Since it was obvious that he had even known and gotten intimate with God than I have, let me not put him into trouble by causing a distraction to him; I do not want to be a reason for his downfall.

I began to talk to him about what I felt and he was not comfortable with it, I was scared of even raising the issue, but as time went by, I had no option but to let the cat out of the bag. He would deny that I was a distraction, but I knew he told a lie, he was just afraid I would leave him. While alone in the room, I will lay on my back and give the issue a thorough thought. I loved God, no doubt and pleasing him was my main priority. If letting OBAFEMI go would be the solution, why should I keep him? My thoughts would get to me so much that I would become sad, I talked to God about it, I prayed and asked him to take the feelings away, but I tell you, the heart wants what the heart wants.

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There was a time I made a truce with God and asked that he would keep him for me if I let him go, since I was choosing Him instead, I believed God rewards those who puts him first, he knows I made a sacrifice, I let go of what seemed precious to me, just to get close to him. There were times I tried acting strong and would tell God to just help me know him, that I cared less about Obafemi. And sincerely, there were times I cried, my heart was just too heavy, I did not know what to do. It was an issue between my relationship with God and OBAFEMI.

I knew I could not even stand between him and God, I knew I had to give way to God and that nothing should take his space in my heart and in OBAFEMI’S-was I not just taking this too far?
15th September 20xx was that memorable day; I had just concluded a church meeting and was heading home. While I was on the bus, I was having a chat with you know who. I had told him I wanted us to talk and he made me know that he would have come around but he could not reach me early enough since he had lost his phone. As I chat with him, I had a heavy heart; I had something important to tell him, I guess now I was tired of trying to convince myself that we were both distractions to one another. I had waited for his birthday, and I also waited till he finished his examination for that semester, I had to be careful. He asked me what I wanted to discuss, I told him I would have loved him to come over, but he was scared I would not open up, remember I am an introvert?

After much persuasion, I spoke up, I told him I wanted to stop being friends, remember I told you I was a young Christian lady, I became scared and I thought I was giving in too much and that I would be a distraction to him. No doubt, we had been on this issue for a while now and we never reached a conclusion, but this night, he gave up I presume. He said his goodbye and well, that was it, he left. I cried, not really, but I did cry.

I quickly cleaned my eyes and faked a smile when my brother and his friends waked into the room, what would I say was the reason for crying? I was hurt for real for the first time in my life, my first heartbreak eventually came, and I was so devastated. Well, as it was, we kept our distances, no chats, no calls he had also blocked me from Facebook. I tried moving on, I am sure it did not work and neither did it work out much for him.

I kept pondering on what had happened and I was hurt anytime I remembered, he did not give a chance to talk, he just left, really? Mum still asks after him, yes, she knew about him, for the first time, she was okay with whatever the friendship was about. When I could not hold it in any more, I opened up to a confidant, you know those people who know you like someone? Well she helped out and advised that we got back together; I was angry and said I had heard her. One event led to another, OBAFEMI and I got taking again, exactly one month after, obviously, we both missed one another.

Do not be so excited, it was just a time to pour out our heart, I realized I had hurt him and I also got to know that whoever he had spoken to had told him to stay away from me, can you imagine?
I felt bad that I had hurt him, I was only trying to make sure that whatever was building up will not affect any of us, I was just scared and believed that was the best thing to have done. Much explanation was made and the deepest parts of our hearts were poured out, I did not hold back anything; he should have known what I felt for him maybe. We both realized our mistakes and we apologized and I agreed to still be friends.

We got talking again, he had gotten a new phone, but it did not kick off smoothly, we were careful with our words and the things we talked about. But as time passed, we threw caution into the air and we returned to being he friends we used to be. Our friendship has grown stronger; he is still my very good friend and confidant.

All being we said, but the question remains ‘what will happen next?’ will the feelings still grow? I always get cold feet whenever such thoughts arise, I will not deny that I am scared he will eventually go away sometime, with another girl obviously. Remember, nothing has changed; he is still the same guy I used to know. I just believe this is the time to sit back, relax, work on getting to know God better and just allow things go as planned, no rush or fear or anything, all things work together for good to them that love God…
THE END