Dark Night, Bright Day

A long time ago there was a time I was going through that could be called a dark night of the soul. Life was not what I had thought it would, should, could be. And neither was I, so I thought. And so one day in an ancient, weathered grey plank garage that I was turning into a little dwelling to rent for a friend of mine, I turned over an empty 5-gallon white plastic paint bucket and sat down and cried and cried and cried. I didn't care anymore I just wanted to let it all go. All the sadness and pain I had been holding back inside as I moved through my life pretending that everything was ok. I was not ok and I couldn't hold back the dam of pain and remorse anymore. The dam broke and my heart wretched and ached as I swirled deeper into the whirlpool of despair. And then as I just let it all go and pour out of me I just knew that everything would be fine. I would be whole again. I was not my pain or my thoughts or judgments. I was much bigger than that and who I was could hold all these emotions and failings and terror and anxiety and be ok. I became the space for me to just be and be ok with all of it. Life would not end. I would not end. And all the weight left my body as I laughed at the crazy lightness of releasing all these feelings one stacked upon another like piles of dirty clothes. My dirty laundry I guess. And I laughed at how good it felt to just let go and be and be ok with all of it.

So why share all this you might ask? I don't really know. It was the beginning of a rebirth, a Phoenix rising a moment in which I was "born again" and in which I knew that one of life's secrets was to remember that any moment I can be reborn. It became a very creative time for me and I began to write. I have no formal training in writing but I just wanted to capture the feelings I was experiencing as life seemed so sparkly and new. This was around 1994 and I have never shared this before but thought I would here as I just remembered these writings again and found them deep in some old files.