My Contradiction

You make me feel uneasy, yet you make me feel calm.
Secure, yet vulnerable. Open, but shut out.
It's easier to breathe, but I can't inhale.
It's like I've wasted my life, while I've done everything right.
Confused and confident. Anxious and relaxed.
I can't understand you, but you make perfect sense.
You ignore me for hours and days, but you listen to what I have to say.
You taught me how to have feelings, while you shut them out.
I don't even understand my own thoughts anymore.
It's like I've begun thinking in a different language.
How do you do this, why do you do this?
I feel unwanted and alone, but like I matter and belong.

I would drop my whole life for you. Give everything up and consider it a separate entity. That man wasn't me.
How is it that the only person who makes me feel like the world can make sense, just doesn't.
I'm afraid of the way you make me feel. It's just going to end up as pain later. I think I know that.
I think you know that.
I don't think either one of us cares about that.
You like the way I make you feel, and I love the pain you bring me.
Like a controlled depression, but I'm not the one behind the wheel.
I've started writing way more often again and I only do that when I'm hurting.
You give me so much pain.
I don't know how to handle it, because it hurts so much, but I'm more afraid of how it will feel when you inevitably decide to go.
To leave me behind in your past, barely a memory.
I locked away my emotions for a long, long time before I met you, yet somehow you found the key.
You found it and you used it and now I'm scared that you're leaving me alone with this part that I could not handle before.
Please don't leave me alone. I can't stand the way the world feels when I'm alone.