Trying to find the words to tell the next part of my story in state care

This part of my story, is hard for me. It brings about a lot of pain. I try not to think about it because the grief of it is heavy. I ran away a lot from the YOC if you missed that part of the story, please stop here and go back before moving forward.
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I had been on the run for a few weeks, I had a boyfriend that I would hang out with while on the run. I would stay with him and his family sometimes and I was sexually active with him. It was one of the many reasons I was good at staying hidden because his family helped keep me hidden.

Then I missed my period

So I made my way to planned parenthood and gave them a fake name and took a pregnancy test. I was so scared when they came back and said it was positive. I was shocked, yes I knew I could get pregnant from sex, but I just never thought it was going to happen to me, and that I would be a mother at 15 years old. I decided I had to make things right and do right by this baby some how and some way. So I turned myself in.

Placed back into the YOC

I was ushered into my therapist office, because I just couldn't keep running away they said. I actually agreed with them because I knew I was pregnant, but they wanted to know what they could do to keep me from running off. I told them I need to be able to be outside and take walks. And was given permission to walk on the campus trails of the YOC any time I felt like I wanted to run away, if I promised not to run away again. I agreed and then told my therapist I was pregnant. I don't know if telling him and them confirming it is why it happened. But with in a week I would no longer be pregnant.

Taking walks around campus helped

Getting outside walking around helped me during that next week. As there was a few times I thought I can't take this anymore in here if things don't change. Things happened for a reason, even if at times we don't understand why, they happen because it is meant to be, life lessons. I believe that it is what has helped me rise above the crap stuff that has happened to me. I was doing what my therapist and I talked about all the staff on campus knew I had permission to walk around campus.

That day it didn't matter what I was allowed to do

Two male staff members Tony and Michael decided I wasn't allowed to walk around campus. It was a Saturday and it was visiting day. Thank god it was visiting day and there was witnesses to what happened. Tony stopped me on the path told me I wasn't allowed to be walking on the path, and I told him you know I am allowed. He said not when Craig isn't here you are not (Craig was my therapist) I said yes I am 24/7 if I feel like running away I am to walk the trails that was the agreement.

The next thing I know Michael was behind me, grabbing me. He picked me up and threw me to the ground. I never been more thankful for my parents making me take martial arts when I was little, because I was able to land in a way where I wasn't hurt at all. But then came the kicking. I am down on the ground when Tony and Michael started kicking me over and over again in the stomach. I am trying to get away and get in a ball to protect myself when Michael grabs me trying to straighten my body out so they can keep kicking me in the stomach. At this point I started fighting back and bite as hard as I could the closest thing to me which was Michael's arm. I bit a chunk out of his arm.

Parents arriving to visit their kids saw the whole thing go down

They saw I was walking the path back and forth when they arrived. They saw the staff approach me and throw me and kick me. They saw me finally fight back, they knew it was self defense. But me I was the one in the YOC so to the cops it was my fault, I was charged with Battery with serious bodily harm and taken to detention. I spent 2 months in detention waiting to go to trial. I told my parents I wasn't guilty and begged them to get me an attorney, they knew I never asked for one before and they did right by me and got me an attorney no questions asked. I still don't know if they know I had been pregnant then, before the beating and I was just fighting back to try to save my babies life.

Witnesses came forward

After 2 months the charges against me was dropped and I was placed back in the YOC. Tony and Michael was no longer working at the YOC. They had been fired over what they did to me. But I no longer trusted anyone there. I always wondered if Craig didn't tell them to make me lose the baby. So a couple of nights after I got back, I decided to disable the alarm and took off for the final time from the YOC. I would find out many years later that they both were charged for what they did to me.

I had meet many people through out my times of running away

One of the people I had met was a young single mom of 3 kids. She was 20 years old with three small kids. She was working full time and had bought a 3 apartment building, planning to live in one, and fix the other two up to rent out. One apartment would pay the mortgage, she would live in one, and the other apartment would be extra money. But then I ran away again and she offered me a deal I couldn't refuse.

I would help her fix up the apartments and baby sit for her

And I would get to live in the efficiency apartment for free. She would write me up a lease, with my alas on it for $75 a week. I would babysit for her also and would be paid $75 a week, basically I was her nanny for free room and board, but we did it in a way that if I got caught that it looked like I scammed her and that she wasn't involved. It is a crime to hide out a run away. And we both knew it.

A week later a neighbor asked if I could watch her kids too

Now mind you though my "landlady knew the truth, no one else did" Everyone else just thought I was a nanny, and so I got asked to take on three more kids for $75 a week. Now I had the means to completely support myself and things were going really really well for nearly 6 months. Then my mom and dad decided to put missing person flyers up every where. And the neighbor lady I was baby sitting for saw it. She turned me in and one day the cops showed up and I was arrested. The plan worked and my "landlady" was in the clear.

Detention again

I was taken to detention. Then the next day to court. That is when the judge decided that for my crime of running away from the YOC, the campus he was behind in creating and that my punishment would be juvenile prison. I was sentence to Indiana Girl's School (which has since turned into the Women's prison). You are given a DOC number that follows you for life if you ever get arrested as an adult and sent to prison. I am not saying I was a saint, but I never did anything that would have sent an adult to prison. For a run away to have a DOC number for the rest of their life, is not right.

a photo I found on the DOC website of the Indiana Girl's School Campus

Reflection

It is painful when I think about what happened. When I reflect back I still miss that baby I never got to hold. But I also know I was 14 and was going to have a baby at 15 years old and knowing what I know now, they would have never let me have kept my baby, they would have forced the baby into the system and adopted it out. Still the baby deserved a chance to live. But in reality, I might not be where I am today had those things not happened to me. Plus it gave me the strength to stand up to bullies. I have never allowed anyone to ever do what those men did to me before I started fighting back. Now if attacked the first swing, will have me fighting back. I will never stand by while while more than one person attacks someone, even if it scares me shitless. I have other stories about how dumb I can be, but it is what is right.

Sometimes we have to do the right thing even if we are scared.