My mind is filled with thoughts about planning procedures and my beloved children
Today I was thinking about my plans to start procedures as soon as I feel the case is good enough and everything is ready to present in court. And with brainstorming about this, of course I began to think about my two oldest children again.
Lately I've been having a hard time more often, because I am spending more time writing about the case and with that all the things that happened come to speak again. I tell parts of the story, write them down, polish it up again later, and start to think back. With the thinking back, often comes the feeling of reliving it, and my mind puts me back in time to that particular moment I was thinking about. I see it happening, and I feel the emotions that are connected to that event.
I wonder if the father of the children is still trying to speak bad about me to the children, or hopefully he won't find it necessary anymore as I am far away now. I am not in the area he wanted me to be, to harm me and scare me. I have taken control back and he can only hunt me in my nightmares. Unfortunately he does this quite often..
I really hope for the sake of the 2 sweethearts, he let the part of making me look bad go so that they aren't being brainwashed by him.
Especially my daughter appears in my dreams quite often, sometimes more clear than others. I guess this is because she is a strong soul. Sometimes it feels so real, holding her, kissing her, and just be with her. But I've had a weird experience too a while ago. I was having the best warm dream about the children, and all of the sudden my daughter let me go, and whispered: "sttttttt he is coming. I have to go now." When I looked at the alarm it was in the morning around 7.30 AM and I sort of felt like I connected with her in my dreams, and her father was there to wake her up, so she told me he was coming and she had to go. As if he could not know she was with me. Weird right?
Good work takes time, and I owe it to them to take that time!
These things can be comforting a lot, but at the same time it puts me straight back in reality and I often cry my eyes out after something like this happens. Luckily after a good cry I am relieved again, and I can go on again. It is difficult finding a right balance between my actual life here now with my boyfriend and our youngest daughter, and the life that I had to leave behind and where I am preparing a case for. Because I miss those 2 so much, that of course I'd rather start it today, to try to see them as soon as possible, but in reality I know this will only make my chances worse because I know I have to be fully 200% sure that I have every piece of evidence in order, every detail that needs to be said written down, and I can't take the risk of evidence getting suspended.
It's not only the father that I am up against, but also CPS / government
I will not only be up against the father (which would be bad enough on its own) but I am also up against a corrupt system that I have told before that I will blow the whistle soon. And that didn't really get the reaction we hoped for, instead of them admitting their mistakes and fixing them, they even made our life much worse than it was. So I am preparing carefully, and still not ready to search for specific professionals that I will be needing for the preparation of the case.
I can't afford to make mistakes getting the wrong people on board
I am afraid that when I look for them now, those people will not be able to help me when the time has arrived to start the process. And I can't put that amount of effort in trusting people with my sensitive case when I am not sure they will be able to help me at the right time. I have dealt with a lawyer for example, that made me put pieces of evidence in order days in a row, and then 5 minutes before the hearing tell me that he didn't have it on time to use in the case... And I still have a hard time trusting new people also, because I don't want these details to get in the wrong hands. I really am very careful with this nowadays. I have to, there's a lot at stake! My children..
One day the puzzle will be complete
My hope is that all the diaries, detailed documentation I wrote about will let them understand in the future that I had to do this my way. Because all the other ways did not work, and were not in theirs and our favor. I have to trust my own gut feeling, and trust my abilities to make this work, but not only get them back, I will fight until things are set straight. They ripped apart our family, while a few days before I had to hand them over to the father and his mother, they were giving my boyfriend the cutest fathers day ever. We both still are in tears if we speak/write about it. The contrast is so big.
Remain focused
I have to remain focused, but also need to find a balance for the harder days that hit me emotionally. I told myself that it's not a bad thing to have an off-day, and it's ok to feel sad a day, or cry a lot. They are a part of my life, and I miss them. It would be weird if I didn't feel this way. But I also have to get myself together quickly when I look at my youngest, because she can't do anything about it, it's not her fault she is not together with her older brother and sister. And she would have loved to have them with us too. For her I got to be the strongest person I can be. Because she deserves that too.
Note to myself: Don't blame yourself anymore for things you could'n see coming or control. Take blame for the fact you at least kept trying to be a family, and for the lessons you had to learn the hard way. Life is about falling down sometimes, making mistakes, and learn from them. You are a good mother, and you made those mistakes only because you believed in people and the system that was supposed to help the children, not ripping the family apart. Now you know how things really work in the world, and anticipate on that knowledge, because knowledge is power! They love you too, because you are their mother!
AnoukNox
Keep writing these are the pieces of the puzzle you need in time. I think CPS is a way bigger danger by now as your ex and if it comes to lawyers.. you better write your respond etc yourself in clear terms not too long with facts/proves attached. This plus time is the only chance to win. Do not trust anyone!
Ps there is nothing to blame for for trying to be a family.
Yes I will, what did you mean with the sentence: I think CPS is a way bigger danger by now as your ex and if it comes to lawyers..
I am not sure if I understand correctly :)
I had so many things written down already in Dutch, but as you know, we are planning to do it different above the Dutch law.. so English will be mandatory. It all has to feel right, not a day sooner will I actually start the process. The longer I am writing, the more often I can find better words to make the story clear. As many parts are really too hard to explain short and with only some summations. It's just not possible. So I have to re-write again and again.. But it's for a good cause! I don't :) trust me on that :)
In the end or I should say, if it comes to it, the government will decide how or what. It is possible to beat your ex especially if you take the time to do so. If the government/cps is on your hand they will wipe your ex off the screen just like this and it is his end. Nobody will support him any longer.
Im so sorry this is happening to you. I cant imagine going through what you are. My sister went through a very similar situation and its truly sad how CPS can work against a parent who wants nothing but to love their child. I wish you all the best, much love, stay strong!
Too bad to hear about your sister having to go through this also. I hope she is doing ok? Thank you for the kind words, I am doing the best I can :)
Shes doing okay. She went through it with her two oldest daughters first. Its her ex that causes the most grief. I dont think he ever got over her, deciding that she deserved better than the daily knock down and decided to start sticking up for herself and being happy. He knew that to truly hurt her and make her miserable it would be to use the kids as leverage. It worked for awhile but they grew up and began to see the real situation. Sadly, its starting with the last and youngest now. Hes 11 now and has decided that he only wants daddy, because, in his own words, his dad needs him more. And of course, now the threats of going back to court and cps. I pray for Gabriels, the youngest kiddo, strength and love (hes got such a huge heart, I pray that doesnt get lost). I just dont understand how a parent can put their children through such turmoil for their own greedy needs. Such a sad situation.
That must be hard on her I guess.. Thinking that you have had the worst part already, and then now the youngest thinking (out of pure love) that he wants his daddy as he needs him more.. I don't understand either. Never have I thought that I should keep them away when the father was violent, I even let him go with us to the first day of school ever..The school found it weird, but as he had visitation / weekends anyway, I saw no harm in it. I always handled out of their needs, and he kept making the situation worse.. Only people that have serious evil inside them can keep this behavior up that long, if I knew then, what I know now.. I would have approached it all differently, but what's done is done. Someone will never fool me like that again ;) I hope your sister and her son will be fine!
Its heart wrenching! The only good part of it this go around is she at least has a good support system. When it went on the first time, she was just leaving him. He spread so many false rumors about her leaving that he had a whole team of people bad mouthing her. It was the toughest time in her life but it made her who she is now, a smart, strong, beautiful woman. Shes now happily married with the love of her life and has been for some years. Her oldest daughter whos 21 now, is her biggest fan and knows of the grips he tried (and did) to put on them growing up so its kind of an inside view of whats going on. When they went through this, they were 7 and 10. They had to go through quite a bit of therapy, the younger one still does. Never having that unconditional love from your father can really fuck you up! Now the youngest is about to start his therapy, hopefully its soon enough to help him let it all out so it doesnt screw him up emotionally. I sure do miss him though, we went from seeing him weekly, every Thursday, to all of sudden nothing. My daughter just loved her Gabriel and she wonders every time my sister comes over, where hes at. Its killer, for sure. But all we can do is be patient and pray for the best.
Our children are the best of us and I can’t even imagine the emotions you are experiencing. I wish you the best.
Thank you, I hope you will never be able to imagine ;) The little one that is with us, keeps me going ;) She can't do anything about this situation with the 2 oldest, so she mustn't suffer from that..
Oh @anouk.nox, your story breaks my heart! I just kind of met you on @charisma777's post about CFS taking her son away and someone left a totally inappropriate comment. You and I were all over it ;) I decided to come and find out a little something more about you and of course found this post. My heart is aching for you. I can only imagine the anger and sadness and all the conflicting emotions you have been through, and I am wishing will all of my heart that in the end, whenever that may be, you get your children back in what I can see, are your totally loving arms.
Your message to yourself at the end is a good one. Please believe every word of it. Sending you big internet hugs!
Yes I remember, too bad those inappropriate comments under these kind of posts :( Well you find lots of FP post from me, but I try to find the balance with happy things and pictures so I can stay focused. It took me quite a while though, to be able to accept things as they are for now. Can't lose hope though, and we have proven to be strong on our own strength before :) I have had many moments, hours, days, weeks, months, a few years to rethink about my plan, and I keep coming to the same conclusion (sometimes even in more detail so even better). Thank you for your kindness and hugs back!
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I hope your strength increases and you are ready to recover your children
Thank you, yesterday I was all shocked because of the letter you read about. Today it doesn't get to me anymore like it did yesterday. Today we thought and discussed it with some people. So we have made a list about the things we can try, and I will start it tomorrow because some things are hard to find back or get access to (hope it works) .. I have this goal to get those two back, and I know we have been through lots of scary and looking bad situations, but we survived all. So I will focus on a good outcome ;) Thanks for your support ;)
Stay strong and don't blame yourself. If you do all that you can do, then it is perfect. We can't control life, only how we react to it. Keep your head up and I wish you the best @anouk.nox!
Thank you for your kind comment, it means a lot to me! Have a wonderful day! @davemccoy
I hope you have a wonderful day yourself @anouk.nox! :)
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STOPNice post . and photography.............
Well, the pictures are cited so I guess you did not really read it?
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