Incredibly emotional to read, I think from the effect on my eyes that the pollen must be high here today...

I feel that pain all too well my friend, I think most of us here, certainly those with some years in the rear-view mirror have had those phone calls, those dreaded moments of guilt at having been moments too late, I recall two important times in my lifetime where, just like you, I was literally seconds away from being there just in time...

The resolution I have found to ease the pain, that actual physical pain that resurfaces when it creeps back into our mind was actually more simple than I could've ever believed. I simply considered if it had been me laying there in that bed in those clinical surroundings.

I, and you too I imagine, would have understood entirely, would've realised that on the scales of life, a life lived well, surrounded by those we love unconditionally and oh-so-profoundly, this delay means little. In some ways, I would be grateful that those I loved most in the world, my children were saved that helpless moment of being unable to do anything for me - indeed having to resign to watching me slip away.

I am also a firm believer that those I loved deeply who had to leave can see all when they are entering that stage of life. I have experienced too many synchronicitous events surrounding those at the end of their journey to dismiss this strange phenomena. Indeed this has continued in many cases long after they have left.

However I cannot simply end it there, without commenting on that insidious, debilitating disease that causes so much suffering, hurt and pain, much of it to those who must look on helplessly, knowing that there is little respite they can offer, except to just be there, show love and speak comfort - and laugh!

People often find me disrespectful at first cracking jokes, engaging the person suffering in some of those fabulously funny stories from the past but it has always ultimately had the desired effect... At that stage of life, can you imagine anything better than feeling love and laughing with those we care for the most?

I am a firm believe also in that, although this painful re-telling of those final days is obviously about somebody, your Mother, no longer being here among those who loved her so... The truth is that couldn't be further from the truth... Of course she is here, I am sure you see her in moments, expressions, mannerisms from those who knew and loved her most. There will be things that happen, places you go and sensations you feel that are unmistakably her.

I understand entirely that crystal clear clarity, yet blurriness you describe, it is the strangest thing to grasp it also relates to the passage of time around such times of life, we sometimes remember the exact time on the clock that certain things transpired yet we can lose 5 or 6 hours or even days in what sees like the blink of an eye.

In some ways I would bet the last 15 years seems such a long time and other times you remember speaking your Mother what feels like a couple of years ago...

I apologize for this comment going on for so long. Occasionally I read something and it hearkens at true connection, love and the true nature of life and I find it difficult to either pass by without comment and seem unable to use brevity, when it relates to something profound and important.

I wholeheartedly endorse your words about our perception, understanding and use of time, in an age when so many speak of resources that are finite or nonrenewable it is incredibly ironic that many seem to have overlooked this fundamental truth!

I hope that in some way writing these words was even a little cathartic and helped with perspective regarding guilt that would never be wished on us by those we have lost. Take great care to you and yours I am sure you carry her spirit on in all you are and all you do.