Mental Health

Depression!!

What is it exactly? Every day so many people suffer from this horrible illness, and it comes in so many different ways, and it’s not fair.
One day everything is great and bam the next minute it’s like your life has been turned upside down.

I didn’t know I was suffering this illness until a day came that I will never forget and that’s when I knew something was wrong...

I was making the kids some breakfast in winter last year. Their favourite at the time was soft boiled eggs so they could dip their toast into it. I had just finished making it and called to my daughter to tell her it was ready.

As I’ve turned around I dropped the plate.

I was angry at this, well it wasn’t really anger it was rage! And I took it out on my daughters and started yelling and screaming and blaming her for making me drop it. The look on her face was pure terror and that’s when I knew something was wrong with me.

I started to cry because I realised what I had done, and I couldn’t stop crying. I couldn’t stop apologising to my daughter, who kept saying to me it’s ok Mum don’t cry we all make mistakes. Which in turn made me cry more.

As soon as the doctor surgery was open I called to make an appointment. I got in that afternoon!

By the time my appointment came I was still crying and wanted to end my life, it wasn’t fair on the girls that I was so screwed up in the head because of what their father had done to us.

That day the doctor told me he was prescribing me anti depressants, because anger is actually a form of depression. I didn’t know this, you hear all about feeling down, sinking into a black hole, crying, having no self esteem and all of the more noticeable and expected signs.

I was gobsmacked! Finally I knew what was wrong, I told the doctor my past and he also sent me to see a psychiatrist to find other ways for me to control myself.

I had about 10 weeks worth of appointments and I learnt so much. I learnt how to ground myself and use my breathing to calm myself. I learnt how to switch my head off and stop thinking. All of these new skills put together have been my saviour.

When I first went to see the doctor he told me that I would be on medication temporarily. So the day has come where I’m now in a better place and have made severe life changes and I feel it’s now time to say goodbye to the medication.

The withdrawals are awful, I just want to stay in bed all day. The easiest way to explain it is that I continually feel drunk all day. The headaches, the light headedness, the nausea, but I’m fighting through. It’s hard but I’m nearly there and so far so good, I haven’t had any relapses.

My girls are my world and I will do anything for them even if that means I have to take medication to give them a happier life.