Fighting Depression Alone Part 1 ( I need to get this off my chest)

I am new to Steemit and I think this is a good outlet for me. All of you seem very cool and understanding. I need to get my life on record for my son when he gets old enough to understand his dad. The things I'm going to share with all of you are embarrassing but I am not ashamed or proud of my past because it made me the man I am today. Please understand that what I am about to share is the most personal times of my life. I will do these posts in sections as it is almost unbearable to relive these times. I beg you to not judge me until you meet me.

My story starts when I was 5 years old. My parents had friends come over after church and I decided I would show off my new Superman outfit. So when my family and their friends were in the living room talking I came running out in my Superman shirt and underwear. I even tucked a pillow case into my shirt as a cape. I ran around the living room making flying sounds and my parents friends thought it was funny. I remember feeling happy and a sense of pride making others laugh. Laughter means you're happy and who doesn't want to be happy? But that feeling was short lived. My mom and dad took me into my room very abruptly and made me change and not come out until they said so. I still remember the feeling of sadness and confusion. I thought what I did was good. People laughed. But I got punished for it, so what should I think?
When I was 6 my grandfather had a really cool electric race track. You squeezed a trigger on a remote and cars would race each other down a plastic track with a metal slot in the middle. I loved it! That was the reason I liked going to my grandparents. One day I was there and it was gone. When my mom asked where it was he said he gave it to a kid at our church. My mom then asked, with me standing next to her, why he didn't give it to me? He said, "Well, I didn't think about him." I was his only grandson. How do you not think about me when you get rid of the one thing I loved at your house?
From age 5-10 it was pretty much the same. I got good grades in school. A's and B's across the board. In 4th grade I was one of 4 kids to get tested for advanced classes. I didn't pass but it didn't bother me. I really didn't grasp the situation back then. There are glimpses of getting bullied at school and in my neighborhood and getting spanked for not acting perfect in church. Sometimes those thoughts come back and are very clear like it happened yesterday. But I really feel most people deal with that. I don't remember fishing trips or vacations with my parents. Everything from my childhood is negative.
Age 11 is when the shit really hit the fan. My dad had his own carpet cleaning business and had hired a 19 year old. We'll call him Joe. One day Joe comes to my dad and tells him he got kicked out of his house and needed a place to crash for a little bit. At the time my bedroom was in the basement so I didn't have to share with my little brother anymore. But, Joe needed a place so he got my room and once again I had to share a room with my little brother. My stereo, that I saved up all summer to get, suddenly became his to use. It was so cool. It had a remote and when you turned the volume up or down on it the knob moved. I thought that was the most futuristic, coolest thing I'd ever seen. Anyways, I think Joe sensed I didn't like him so he made friends with me by taking me to do things my parents would never allow. Like take me to a girl that made out with me. My first kiss was in a dark field with a girl that the only thing I remember about her is her hair smelled like cigarette smoke. But damn it was cool!. I loved him for that. Showing me a world beyond the fake one my parents and the church tricked me into. Joe listened to me. He didn't tell me what to do. So here I am, 11 years old, with a role model.
My parents started to fight a lot more than normal. I actually walked in from school one day and heard my mom yelling in her bedroom. When I walked down the hall and peeked in the doorway, she was taking drawers out of her dresser and throwing them at my dad. My dad left that day and didn't come back until the next day. After a week or so I started to notice Joe and my mom talking to each other more. My dad would be gone and Joe and my mom would just be sitting together talking and laughing. One weekend my dad left for 3 days to go hunting and that is when my life changed forever. I walk into the living room and see my mom and Joe sitting together on the couch underneath a cover. Now I didn't know what to think about that. My mom, who never does any wrong, is sitting under a cover with a guy who is not my dad. Even at a young age and basically sheltered from the outside world, I somehow knew what I saw was wrong. My mom was laying her head on his shoulder. Now I know that's not normal. So I decided to be tricky. I told my mom and Joe I was going downstairs to work on a model. I went to the second step and stomped on it a few times so it would sound like I was going all the way down. Then I waited for a few seconds and peeked my head around the door way and saw Joe and my mom kissing.