There are a few times, I want to jump to death : written before unemployment 有那么几回，我也想跳楼：写在失业前

1

It is regretful that a ZTE corporation employee jumped off a building. Some people attribute this tragedy to the decline of technology industry, while others complain about the high pressure working as a software engineer. In my opinion, these are purely seizing the topic to elaborate their own ideas. Without digging into details, how do people determine that these are the reasons? The ZTE corporation employee is over fourty years old, an age of being free of perplexities. He has two houses and two lovely kids. Rather than financial stress, I tend to believe this is an accident -- accidently fell down when threatening with intent of jumping to death, or temporarily out of control because of depression? He has passed away. Who knows the truth?

It might be true that he was facing midlife crisis. As a middle-aged person, facing unemployment, with two kids and mortgage loans, I have some thoughts about the suicide. In retrospect of my whole life, there are a few times, I also want to jump to death.

It is disrespectful to make presumptuous comments on the dead's work, family and mental status. All what I write below is totally unrelated to the death.

2

Let's close eyes and recall your past life, have you ever had thoughts of suicide, even if just for a little while?

Soon after going to the faraway college from hometown, I wanna commit suicide. Beginning from primary school, I lived in a small town and trumped others everytime in schoolwork. However, things were completely different after moving to the college in Peking. I barely understood a single word in the class and it was a miracle for me to pass the exams. Everyone surrounding is much better than me. From a omniscient superstar, I suddenly turned into an ignorant.

Now it seems these are all trivial matters. It's totally because my life before college sailed with the wind and I didn't experience any setbacks. The ideal and real life found distance and there was a psychological gap in my mind. Fortunately, I was not stimulated at that time, or I might go to the top of the building...Actually, this happens every once in a while, but it's not me. Thanks to my bros who are also "dumbass" in college schoolwork, I escaped from the thought of suicide. If someone performs more poorly than you in academic work while still being optimistic, why do you commit suicide?

I studied desperately and finally finished college. However, after stepping into the society, I lost the passion for life. The society is chaotic with complex people. Some can make gains without doing any work, while others work themselves to death and gain barely nothing, or even become scapegoats! With meager income, I can hardly pay mortgage loan and raise a growing-up child. There is no hope in the future.

Fortunately, I had a better mentality adjustment, so as not to undermine the peace of mind. Keeping up with the Joneses is an endless world. Only the one who live longer can win the game of comparison. I started to accept those acceptable and change those changeable. For those unacceptable and unchangeable, I chose to stay away.

Later, I decided to study abroad for doctorate. During that period, I racked my brain to write paper everyday and my life was like a living death. I have talked about this period of life before in 《五年辛酸读博路》. Those were days of darkness, I could hardly stay any longer and wanted to give up the doctor degree.

The years went by, two years after graduation from doctoral program, I met a korean bro who studied the doctoral program with me. He held me tightly with tears in eyes. We were drinking and talking about the past life. He spent eight years on the doctoral program and finished it one year after my graduation. Recalling the observational work in the wilds, the life was full of hardship.

Compared with the pressure that middle-ages suffer, these are all small setbacks in adolescent education and career life. When we get older and experience more, do these all become of no importance? But sure, if we can live to that age :)

3

In the twenties, there is nothing in our hands, put down if you feel tired. In the thirties, hand the heavy to the other hand if you feel tired in one hand. In the fouties, both hands are carrying things, you can only exchange if you feel tired.

The tests that the middle-ages face are more dangerous. One of my old classmates shared an article with title "who will be surprised if you disappear" in the wechat moment. I left with the comment "The landlord and the bank will be surprised. I need to pay the rent and the mortgage."

Many comments attributes the suicide incident to the decline of industry and personal financial pressure. If that is true, then the suicide becomes of rationality and more people might choose to take the way out. It is not uncommon that life has pressure. If you are not born with a silver spoon in your mouth, life will never be all plain sailing.

In science fiction 'The Three-Body Problem', before extraterrestrial civilizations destroy human race, they tell human beings:

Survival itself is a kind of luck. This is the case on the earth in the past and now it is everywhere in this cold universe. However, I don't know when it started that there is an illusion among humans: the survival is something that is readily available. This is the root why you failed.

生存本来就是一种幸运，过去的地球上是如此，现在这个冷酷的宇宙中也到处如此。但不知从什么时候起，人类有了一种幻觉，认为生存成了唾手可得的东西，这就是你们失败的根本原因。

Since when do we forget the hardships of life and have the illusion that survival can be achieved without giving anything?

One time I complained about the life, a former colleague, who was about ten years older than me, told me:

Young people like you are too insatiable. You have rented or bought a house at a young age. In my generation, we still have to live with parents for the rest of lives even if got married. It's impossible for us to rent or buy a house.

It's true. Think of the generation of our parents, they went through all sorts of things and everything started from scratch. Think of the generation of our grandparents, they went through the devastation of war. Think of the generation of our great-grandparents, they lived in the weak Qing dynasty. Which one of them has an easier life than us? If they can survive, why can't we?

When I was a child, I have watched a TV play. I completely forget the title and the story of the play, but I still remember the words of the song:

To survive, wipe off your tears; Walk past, there is future ahead.

要生存，先把泪擦干；走过去，前面是个天。

4

The middle-age man was gone. If it's suicide, that's his own business and no one else can blame it. However, the biggest concerns are his kids and parents. Who is going to raise his kids? Who is going to take care of his parents? The life of a middle-age does not only belong to himself.

Where there is life, there is hope. No matter what kind of difficulties you encounter, raise your head and look a little further. When you look back, all these so-called difficulties are of no importance.

Let me dedicate this article to my friends, most of whom have old and young at home, and have to pay the mortgage. Here, use a line of the movie "Gone with the Wind" as the end of this article to encourage my friends and myself:

As God is my witness, as God is my witness they’re not going to lick me. I’m going to live through this and when it’s all over, I’ll never be hungry again. No, nor any of my folk. If I have to lie, steal, cheat or kill. As God is my witness, I’ll never be hungry again.

上帝作证，上帝作证，他们休想打垮我。我会度过难关。当一切结束后，我再也不要挨饿。不要，我的家人也不要。即使让我去撒谎，去偷，去骗，去杀人，上帝作证 ，我永远不会再挨饿。

Dec. 2017, written before unemployment.

Youtube: As God is my witness

Original post written by @dapeng: 有那么几回，我也想跳楼：写在失业前 | 月旦评
Translator: @ianchan

1

中兴员工跳楼，让人唏嘘叹惋。有人说是因为行业衰落，有人抱怨程序员压力太大。在我看来，这些纯属借题发挥。在不了解现场详细过程的情况下，人们怎么就那么确定是这些原因呢？当事人年岁已过不惑，阅历丰富，儿女双全，有两套房，与其说是因为经济压力而突然跳楼，我还不如相信这是一个意外，比如死者以跳楼来威胁对方答应条件时不慎坠落，或者是受抑郁症驱使而一时失控等等——当事人已经不在了，真相谁会知道呢？

不过，死者遭遇的中年危机是事实。同样是中年人，同样是失业在即，同样是家有俩娃要还房贷，既然说起这个话题，我也借题发挥，谈谈我对自杀一事的看法。为死者讳，事后去妄加揣度这个中年人的工作、家庭和心理状态是极为不妥的，因此我下面所写的，都跟这个悲剧的当事人没有任何关系，只是由这个事件引发而已。因为，回顾自己这半辈子，有那么几回，我也想跳楼。

2

一路走来，回头去看，你有没有动过轻生的念头，哪怕只有一点点？

当年刚离开故乡，只身远赴千里之外的大学校园，没过多久，我就不想活了。

从上小学起，我的学习成绩傲视群雄，在五线小城里独孤求败；到了京城的大学一看，高手如云，上课一个字都听不懂，考试及格是奇迹，顿时学霸成学渣。

现在回头去看，这点破事儿算什么。完全是因为一路顺风顺水，不懂什么叫挫折，一时心里落差太大而造成的不适而已。但是回到当时，如果有点什么小事刺激一下，鬼使神差爬上楼顶……这种事时不时在校园里发生，只不过跳的不是我；我躲过此劫的原因之一，就是跟着同样沦为学渣的兄弟们混。你渣，还有人更渣，他们都不跳楼，你跳什么？

咬牙念完大学，混迹于滚滚红尘的江湖里，我觉得活着没啥奔头了。

江湖好混乱，人性太复杂。有人可以不劳而获坐享其成，有人却是累死累活还得背黑锅；微薄的薪水捉襟见肘地养着房贷和日渐成长的娃，往未来去看，看不到光明。

好在那时心境已经比读书时宽了许多，知道跟人攀比是没有尽头的。要是真攀比，谁活得长谁赢。于是，开始接受那些能接受的，改变那些能改变的。既不能接受又不能改变，那就选择躲开。

后来出国读书，熬博士论文期间，觉得生不如死。

这段故事我在《五年辛酸读博路》 一文里讲过。在那个阶段里，天天过得暗无天日，真心觉得挺不下去了，还不如把这个学位放弃一死了之。

几年后的一天，已经距离博士毕业两年有余，遇见当年一起读博的韩国哥们儿，他抱着我想哭，后来一边喝酒一边谈笑。他花了 8 年，在我毕业之后一年多才干完。回忆当年一起在野外做观测的点点滴滴，觉得日子过得厚重。

跟中年人所承受的压力相比，这些经历无非是青少年时期学业和事业里的小菜一碟，属于无病呻吟，为赋新词强说愁。那么，等到活到老年，回望中年的经历，会不会也觉得淡如云烟呢？

前提是得活到老年那一天。

3

二十多岁，两手空空，拿累了就放下；三十来岁，左手拿累了就交给右手；四十多岁，双手都拎着东西，累了只能左右换一下。

中年人面对的考验，更多，更凶险。

有个老同学在朋友圈里分享了一篇文章，标题是“你失踪了，会惊动谁”。我留言说：会惊动房东和银行。我每个月得交房租，得还国内的房贷。

我看到关于跳楼事件的一些言论，都是归罪于行业衰落和个人经济压力。如果是这样，那就给自杀找来了合理性，只怕将来会让更多人走上轻生的不归路。生活的压力不是什么新鲜事。如果不是衔着金汤匙出生，那么草根生活原本不就是这么累吗？

科幻小说《三体》里，外星文明即将对人类实施灭绝计划之前，对人类这样说：

生存本来就是一种幸运，过去的地球上是如此，现在这个冷酷的宇宙中也到处如此。但不知从什么时候起，人类有了一种幻觉，认为生存成了唾手可得的东西，这就是你们失败的根本原因。

从什么时候起，我们开始有了这种幻觉，觉得生存是件唾手可得的东西，而忘记生存本身的艰难呢？

记得以前同事里有个大姐，比我大十来岁，有一次听我抱怨，就说：

你们这些年轻人，不知足，年纪轻轻就自己租房买房了。我们这一代人，结婚了也一直跟父母一起住一辈子，哪里有条件去租房买房，想都别想。

没错。想想父辈，经历的是百废待兴；想想祖辈，经历的是战乱浩劫；而曾祖辈，还生活在积弱难返的晚清呢。他们哪一代人活得不比我们难？可是他们子又生孙，孙又生子，一代一代都挺过来了，我们凭什么不能？

小时候看过一部电视剧，剧名剧情全忘了，只记得一句歌词：

要生存，先把泪擦干；走过去，前面是个天。

4

那个中年人走了，如果真是自杀，那是他自己的事。但是，最让人揪心的，是他留下的一双小儿女，由谁来养大成人？两对老父母，谁来养老送终？

中年人的命，不只属于一个人。

再苦再难，只要留得青山在，就不愁没柴烧。不管遭遇何种困境，看得远一点，穿越到未来，回头一看，全部都是过眼云烟。

就让我把本文献给我的朋友们吧，他们大多数上有老、下有小、中间还要还房贷。这里，用电影《乱世佳人》女主角 Scarlett 的一句台词，作为本文的结尾，与朋友们共勉：

As God is my witness, as God is my witness they’re not going to lick me. I’m going to live through this and when it’s all over, I’ll never be hungry again. No, nor any of my folk. If I have to lie, steal, cheat or kill. As God is my witness, I’ll never be hungry again.

上帝作证，上帝作证，他们休想打垮我。我会度过难关。当一切结束后，我再也不要挨饿。不要，我的家人也不要。即使让我去撒谎，去偷，去骗，去杀人，上帝作证 ，我永远不会再挨饿。

2017 年 12 月写于失业前