A Void Within

Tomorrow is Valentines day. For many its an anticipated day of love and excitement. For me? It's the same with a tint of longing and void. Not for the typical reasons that I don't have someone to share the day with - I do in fact, my husband who is so understanding and sweet I couldn't ask for more. No it's because 13 years ago the woman who helped raise me passed away. I remember the day like it was yesterday.

I was a senior in high school. I had planned this big huge secret admirer thing for my then boyfriend. I had created a separate e-mail account and had been sending him messages all week to lead up to this day. We would meet at the mall and he'd find out it's me, his loving girlfriend, I'd give him my gift and we'd then go have a double date dinner with his friends. It was going to be an amazing night.

I rushed home after 6th hour to change before meeting him at the mall. I walked in and my mom sat in the living room crying. I didn't understand why she was here. "Little one..." She used to call me that. "I need to tell you something." Everything in me dropped but I was also mad. Your typical teenage girl whose plans were ruined. Looking back I hate myself for this part. "Hurry because I have to meet Tim at the mall." I said with so much attitude that probably didn't help her. "Great grandma died." My life shifted. I didn't know how to react. My great grandfather had passed eight years before but I was 10 then and I while I remembered it, I reacted differently, it was a different situation. But now, I wasn't sure what to do. So I did the only thing that was left, I got mad. I wasn't necessarily mad my plans were ruined. No, I was mad she was gone, mad my mom told me like this, mad she didn't pull me out of school, mad I hadn't visited her more, mad I wasn't there.

So I said, "Why didn't you tell me sooner? This kind of ruins everything Mom!" She looked at me teary eyed. It hurts me to think back on it, "Sorry sweetie." She knew, I could tell in her eyes thinking back, she knew this was my way of coping. "I got to go" I said and I was on my way.

When my boyfriend found me I told him I just couldn't do more tonight. I already felt guilty for leaving my mom. I really just wanted to be with my family instead of with his friends. He agreed. From the moment in the mall to the rest of the events that night I don't remember. I don't remember what we did, or where I was. I remember nothing.

I do remember holding everything in. I remember over the next couple days I was stone. I didn't shed a tear. I didn't talk to my mom about my feelings, to anyone about them. And if I did, I didn't break down. I felt the need to hold everything back. On February 16th 2005 her wake was held. It was an open casket. I stepped in and I was still stone. My boyfriend was with me. He was amazing for that. I had my parents, sure, but having a boyfriend there meant something too you know? Especially for an 17 year old.

I stepped into that funeral home made of stone, but when I rounded that corner and saw her laying there I broke. Just thinking back to it shakes me to my core and brings tears to my eyes. If you have ever felt that soul crushing, tear part, brokenhearted cry you know what I am talking about when I tell you I dropped to my knees and fucking laid my soul on the floor. My boyfriend picked me up and sat me in a chair.

I remember the looks and the whispers and my moms whispering angerly back that this was the woman that watched me day in and day out, summer after summer, after school, day's off, until the day she just simply couldn't anymore. She was a second mother to me. She was always there. She made me feel pretty during the years that were so very hard for me. She was there when I put on my shows, built forts in her fuzzy couch (yes, fuzzy literally couch) or would play shop with me by purchasing items out of her pantry. She made me brown sugar and butter sandwiches, give me peppermint schnopps for my upset tummy and read me bed time story's when I'd stay the night. I wanted her back.

That day was a bad day for me. I missed her. But I finally let it go. To that day I still find it hard thinking back to that day. So... valentines day is hard for me. Not for the reasons many think... it's because I miss her... And will until the day I die.

I love you great grandma. I miss you and I know your watching over me.

Bleedinheart