When It's All On the Line

Dear Daniel,

As we creep up on summer as great as the anticipation is, so is the sense of nerves. Never have I worked with so large a cast. Never have I worked with more than one other person as my crew. Missy has helped by vetting the cast. A gargantuan effort. And breaking down the duties into bite size pieces. Having a 44 member cast plus extras is a big deal for an independent filmmaker. And I’m not talking studio independents. Or independents with A-list talent. We have serious talent on our film from top to bottom and I’m hoping as their stars rise ours will rise at the same time.

A lot is on the line. My reputation as a director who can deliver on the promise of her scripts and documentaries looms large in my mind. I have worked my ass off to get us here. Me and Missy have seen it all. The good, the bad and the ugly. And we’ve seen it all together. We went through a war of attrition with the bipolar disorder and she faced an ocean of grief when her father died.

I have a lot of free floating anxiety. It’s hard to burn it off. I’ve decided if I’m awake at 4am I’ll be at the gym. I will breakfast on oatmeal and toast with peanut butter. Protein with carbs.

I want to live my best life and be headed towards good health. I weigh 279 I hope to drop 16 pounds between now and day 1 of the shoot. I want my A1C back down to 6. Probably need three months for that but I’m working towards it.

I am embracing the next creative project. A script. My running story. I’ll tie some social commentary to it. I always do. As a marginalized voice that has been given something of a platform I want other marginalized voices to be heard.

I’ve got to fix mental health questions on JoAnn Hess’s interview but that should be easy enough. She gave me great material to work with. It’s an outsiders perspective on mental illness. One of compassion or she wouldn’t be welcome on my show.

I think of July because it’s too hard to think about June all at once. I think of the end goal because production will be a lot like the bipolar disorder. Highs and lows. I’m praying it goes off without a hitch and everyone is like a family. Instances like that are rare because there’s always an asshole in every bunch. A diva I didn’t read in the auditions. A no show who said they’d be a PA. It happens. Missy got her dates switched and now I have to reschedule my meeting with the Art Director. So. Very. Not. Happy. About. That.

But again, it happens. So tonight as I look at all that I want to accomplish I try to silence the hunger in my belly. And quiet my active mind. I want to sleep hard tonight. So I will find a snack that will do the trick. Without jacking up my sugars through the roof again.

So on the Easter Sunday I bid you adieu.

Sincerely,

Amy McCorkle

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