Congratulations! You're dead!

Now that you've entered the Underworld, you'll likely be confused and wondering where you're supposed to go. I'm here to give you a guided tour of the place you'll be calling home for the rest of eternity.

I'm happy to be the first to welcome you to your afterlife experience. Now, you may be wondering: "But... I'm dead... Is there life after death?"

Of course there is! It just depends on what kind of person you were when you were alive. Once you meet with our panel of celebrity judges, you'll be sorted into your personal heaven or hell. Like I said... It all depends on what kind of person you were. Some of you should be scared. Others, not so much.

Now, as you approach the "bench", so to speak, our judges will then look at your soul and decide your afterlife based on a Divinely inspired, and 100% Oracle-approved review of your mortal life.

While you're busy worrying over the outcome of your judgement, let's take a look at our panel of Celebrity Judges.

All sons of Zeus, (nepotism at its finest, if you ask me, but I just work here.) Rhadamanthus, Aeacus, and Minos sit as the three Judges of the Dead.

Rhadamanthus

Known after his death as the Lord of Elysium, Rhadamanthus is the demigod son of Zeus and Europa. Once the King of Crete, before his brother Minos led a coup and took over. He then fled to Ocaleia and became the ruler there. During his lifetime, he was seen as the most fair and wise ruler there could have been. Immediately upon his death, his father awarded him the title Lord of Elysium. (Seriously, though... Are we ignoring the nepotism?)

Aeacus

Another demigod son of Zeus, (Not really a shocker there, is it?) Aeacus was the son of Aegina, a water nymph. He became King of the island named for his mother and ruled there justly and with piety. His judgements were revered and widely sought after. Upon his death, his father (Daddy Nepotismo, up there... Friggin'...) made him the guardian of the Keys to the Underworld.

Minos

This Cretan king was the brother of Rhadamanthus, (The very same brother who stole Rhad's throne, by the way.) and was seen as a clever king, but a cruel one. Known mainly through the story of the Minotaur and the inventions of Daedalus, Minos was (For some unknown reason) chosen to sit alongside the other judges and decide where each soul would spend eternity.

Judgement

The judgement is based on where and, again, how you lived. Rhadamanthus judges those from Asia, Aeacus judges those from Europe, and Minos (much like the slower brother only having a job because of pity) mainly acts as a tie-breaker when the other two can't decide where a soul goes.

Ah, it appears that you're next in line for the Judgement. Now, if you'll just step onto the dais, we'll get started carving your heart out to judge... Wait... Sorry... Wrong Underworld. (So I double-dip pantheons... Sue me.)

Just step on the dais, and let the Judges look at you. It may sting just a bit.

While we're waiting for that one to be judged, let's take a look at the three areas of the Underworld, shall we?

Elysium

Oh, Elysium... Home to the Isles of the Blessed, Elysium is a small portion of the ever-expanding Underworld Afterlife Housing Subsidy Market plan that Hades came up with. It's mainly for those who have done great acts of good and heroism throughout their lives. Think of it as... A kind of Heaven.

Tartarus

The literal pit of torture and eternal pain. Tartarus is home to the Fields of Punishment, a place where only the truly rotten and horrible people get sent to. To give a basic description of the denizens of this particular Hell-hole, think those assholes who boil live puppies for amusement.

The Fields of Asphodel

A truly desolate wasteland of aimlessly wandering souls. This is basically the leftover bin of the Underworld. It's the place where those who were neither exceptionally good nor exceptionally bad are sent. Almost like the Catholic Purgatory, if you think about it.

mild wince

Ouch... Looks like the last judgement didn't go over so well. He'll be headed to the Field of Punishment... Kinda makes you sad... Oh, look! A distraction!

Well, now that I've given you a basic guideline as to what to look forward to after you die, I will go about my business and keep giving these tours for the rest of my unnaturally long life. (Immortality sucks. If you get it as a gift, ask for a refund.)