Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom - A Popcorn Lobotomy Elite Review

Jurassic World Fallen Kingdom is a 2018 film starring Star Lord, Richie Cunningham's daughter, Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs, the lanky guy from "The Fly" and a bunch of CGI dinosaurs.

But let's face it, the dinosaurs are always the stars of any of the Jurassic Park movies, except maybe the first one which had a plot and characters that made sense.

It's directed by J.A. Bayona or, as I like to call him:

The next up and coming fame whore director who'll work for scale for the vague promise of a career in Hollywood that will most likely remain frustratingly unfulfilled as we use him up and then spit him right back into the rancous pit of irrelevance and obscurity from whence he came.

Welcome to the Popcorn Lobotomy Elite Review, of Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom.

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Now I do feel compelled to present this critique as a SPOILER review, because I believe people need to become aware of some of the details of this movie to ensure they are thoroughly warned off ever seeing it.

It's as if this film was made by an idiot conspiracy theorist trying to expose supposedly secret upper class plots by shoehorning them into a beloved franchise that already had plenty of juicy material to mine for its 2 hour running time. I mean, it's simply ridiculous in its biases, which is unforgivable in what was supposed to be a fun summer blockbuster.

The only thing this movie has going for it is some minor competence in the craft of film-making. The cinematography is passable, and there were a few clever shots concocted -- such as the "Children of Men" style underwater one where Star Lord rescues Richie Cunningham's daughter from the spherical transport pod.

And yes, I guess the dinosaurs look decent in SOME shots but in others, the appear utterly cartoonish -- but it's OK because, every minute or two, the so-called "director" throws in a nostalgia-ridden call back to the first couple of movies to distract you from watching too closely.

But to be honest, I doubt he thought about it all that much. He seems way more interested in exploring social justice "issues" and peddling thinly veiled conspiracy theories, in the most ham-fisted way possible. The list of issues he tackles, either directly or indirectly, includes animal rights, the military industrial complex, secret elite auctions and even clone rights!

Yes, he randomly decided to include a little girl in the film who was cloned... what's he trying to say here? That the elites can clone people for their own nefarious purposes, just like that movie The Island? Ridiculous!

I guess J.A. Bayona thinks he's being "edgy", but all he proves is that the J.A. in his name probably stands for "jackass", because the whole catastrophe emerges as unintentionally hammy, like a feeble-minded Downs Syndrome child at the helm of a high tech state of the art Catamaran.

And we can all relate to that analogy, can we not?

By far the most egregious aspect of the film is the cardboard cut-out way the upper class auction attendees are portrayed. They are the most simplistic cardboard cut-out "evil elites", ripped right out of the most extremist YouTube conspiracy documentary.

I can tell you right now that I, and equally my associates, simply do not conform to such stereotypes and find the portrayal extremely offensive.

Bayona shows his true colours here, as he's obviously an infantile conspiracy theorist virtue signalling to his millennial audience that he's against all the things the cool kids are against.

Plus c'mon people, those handlebar moustaches have been out of fashion for quite some time. Now more tasteful and modest bristles are preferable. Like mine, see, it's very elegant and well-kept.

Since we're talking about the auction scene. Is it just me, or was that whole thing a subtle nod to these mythological "human trafficking" auctions, held in darkened rooms, where young girls and boys are bought and sold with supposed regularity?

Of course such things exist purely in the sick fantasies of conspiracy theorist geek culture, and it's quite the unfortunate turn of events that idiot directors such as J.A. see fit to weave them into popular culture in an attempt to bring this non-issue to the masses.

If you buy into these events, please, you would be well-advised to desist immediately. I've ever seen one of these events, nor have I ever been invited to one, so you can trust that my assurance is sufficient: they simply do not exist.

And I definitely WOULD be invited to such an event, if it indeed existed, because I'm just at that level... That's not to say I'd be invited because I'm interested in diddling children of course... which is a completely tasteless activity in which I have no interest.

Just saying I could if I wanted to, as far as being able to afford the lavish price tag, you see, not that I would. I wouldn't. I just want to be clear about that... I mean... er... well, you get the idea.

And of course it all devolved into that dreadful scene where the dinosaurs attack the so-called evil elites, and we as an audience were forced to witness them tossed around the room like corn kernels popping in a fry pan.

I mean, the movie had established its villains so emphatically by then that it almost had ME cheering for all those evil plutocrats' demise! I had to check myself in the cinema and realise that what I was witnessing was actually the slaughter of completely innocent members of the investment class, who, if they had been portrayed realistically, would probably have been kindly philanthropists like myself, not psychopathic warmongers.

Not to mention men of stature would never leave themselves so vulnerable to attack. We have security staff on hand to throw in front of us should such a predicament eventuate!

It was really quite traumatic and manipulative, and I give Bayona no credit for letting his irrational hatred of the elite influence his film, which was supposed to be a fun summer blockbuster, by the way.

So when his next film is some embarrassing, poorly financed, art house independent film that no one wants to see, I hope you'll be a little more enlightened on exactly why. To borrow a paraphrased line from Robert DeNiro in Copland, we gave you a chance to be a filmmaker, and you BLEW IT!

I hope you enjoy begging on the film festival circuits for the rest of your non-starter of a career. I think we can all learn a valuable lesson from J.A. Bayona, can we not?