I come looking for me

Maybe you saw my drawing from 12 days ago, which is titled "Who am I". I was telling you about my various masks and layers that I feel like are shadowing my real me. And I also told you about my personality type according to Myers Briggs type indicator (you can take the test here: https://www.16personalities.com/): INFJ, which is the rarest of all, which often made me feel like an alien in this world and which was why I always tried to fit in and imitate others' behaviour.
But this is exhausting of course and I decided I would not do it any more. Instead I want to find out who I really am and what is my purpose in life. I think that there are diverse reasons that brought me to this point: One for sure being my quitting my 9-5 job and starting freelancing. That was when I had to get out of my shell and start showing the real me (or start to find out at least), because my clients sensed when I wasn't being authentic and the first ones were all trying to lower my prices and various other things.
So I set out on a journey to find my own self worth...

What ensued was a trip.
In every sense that you can imagine.

I was going from self-help books and videos to courses (mainly to do with becoming a business-woman, but always also to do with personality development) to finding my spiritual side again and starting meditation. There was so much going on inside of me that sometimes my life seemed extremely busy without having much of a social life. That's when I discovered that I can be with me and not get bored. Which is a great thing to realize, as previously I had times when I felt so lonely that it made me depressed. Knowing what I know now - that it's always my decision how I choose to feel and how to react to something - I don't need anybody else. In theory. Of course I love talking to friends or have someone special to cuddle with. Just really connecting with someone feels great, although I tend to be very choosy who that someone is at a certain time.
What was also happening was relationships beginning to quickly crumble. When you don't need the other person any more you realize much faster when there is not enough love holding the two together. Also some people tend to become scared when they don't feel needed.

Keep the peace

Another trait of the INFJ is always trying to keep the group together and happy. Which is something I realized I also always did in relationships. The more a relationship wasn't working, the more energy I invested in it (instead of letting it go). And when I noticed that all my work was in vain (because I was the only one doing it), I started to assimilate. "Working on myself" I called it... Most of it was unconscious and only after that boyfriend finally broke up with me (although not really, but I took it that way, because I really wanted to get out - but that's another story), I realized what I was doing:

Negating myself, bottling up feelings, wishes and dreams for the sake of harmony.

Will I ever do this again? I'm saying "Hell no!" but I realized it has already become a pattern. And patterns are sometimes difficult to break.

Who am I and who are you?

Which brings me to something I only got to know today in a video by Frank James, a youtuber who gives great, insightful talks on the INFJ type. Thank you @youhavewings for telling me about his channel! I'm devouring the videos...
Frank James says in this I guess pretty controversial video (Hitler is in it, and Gandhi...), that INFJs tend to become what the people around them want them to become. Because they take in everyone else's feelings (extroverted feeling function) and seeing the big picture (introverted intuition), as well as wanting everyone to be happy, they want to make everyone feel at ease, often at their own expense.
And I think this is exactly what happens with me in relationships. I become what the other wants me to be. At the same time I feel like a trapped animal (which goes against my basic nature) and I lash out. Although essentially I trapped myself.
Soo, going back to my painting: I paint what I feel, and often I only know what my feelings mean, after I painted them. Currently I am in love with someone - with a great someone who I can't get enough of. Who I want to blend into, understand wholly and shower with my love. Which is exactly what scares me... What if I blend into him so completely that I forget myself again?
A friend from Costa Rica told me that is falling in love, that's what it's supposed to be like: losing yourself in the other person. This scares the hell out of me! No, I don't want to lose myself when I'm just about to find myself!
And maybe this is the key: getting to know and like myself, so that I can be ready to love someone else for what they are...

You lovely people, who have read this far - what do you think? Did you have a similar experience? What's your take on falling in love? Do you just completely unhinge?

Letting go is probably my biggest lesson yet to learn...

Here are some pictures of my painting for those who came for the art. Unfortunately I don't have many steps to show as I forgot to take photos.

By the way, if you like my art, you can find some pieces on products on redbubble (not the newest though, because I'm lazy). I appreciate any way you want to support me, also by upvote/resteem of course! :-)

View post on Elegance

A place to show your skills