Why Children Tell Lies, and How to Help Them to Be More Truthful

Many people, in their early years, were told to "tell the truth and shame the devil," and parents are usually keen to stop their own children from telling lies.

A child's lie can cause more concern than, say, pushing over another in frustration. This is despite the fact that most adults tell what they call "little white lies." Who has not invented a prior engagement to avoid a meeting or social event? Or claimed that an unwanted present is "Just what I hoped for?"

Very young children generally tell the truth, because for them, rules and facts are laid down and can never be changed. In due course they develop an awareness of the use of a lie, and later still a basic morality, where intentions and results may become more important to them than rules.

Parents nowadays understand their children's thinking quite clearly, and can weigh up how serious a lie might be. For example, a broken toy might be wrongly blamed on another child to get her into trouble and avoid punishment. But if the excuse given is that it just rolled off the table, then the parent might allow that to pass without comment.

_Image

Why Children Start Telling Lies

It has to be said that copying parents' behaviour can be a factor. If a child notices an adult telling a lie, this may register as acceptable, without realisation that the reason is important. Consider two situations:

• A parent is given a present of a wooden salad bowl, and heartily thanks the giver. The child knows that the family already has one which they use often.

• The parent takes a phone call for his/her partner and says the partner is away for the day, knowing that he/she would not want to take the call. The child is aware that both parents are within reach.

The first example has the intention of not hurting the giver's feelings, while the second has the parent avoiding something he doesn't want to do. To the child, though, both are simply telling a lie, and therefore it may be all right to do the same.

More often, with young children, a lie is for self-protection from scolding or punishment. After a while, "I didn't do it" is not enough – they need to invent a culprit or circumstance. If an unknown small toy turns up in the car after a clinic visit, the child may deny all knowledge of it, or say that he found it. The child is looking to escape blame and avoid punishment.

_Image

How to Make Children More Truthful

Of course it is helpful if children can be protected from lies told by parents or carers – example is so very powerful.

Calm disapproval is wise – certainly not fury. If the facts are clear, then the child should be aware of this. A solution to make amends should be explained and carried out without emotion, if possible allowing the child to escape with dignity. Demanding a reason is not usually helpful, as the child may not have one to offer.

In the case of the toy from the clinic, on the next visit it should be quietly returned – the child should not be encouraged to say it was taken by accident, as that's another lie. If there's a broken toy, the child should know that he is found out; then he could be asked to try to repair it with an adult, otherwise wrap it up and put it in the bin. Each time it is wise to explain that telling the truth, saying what really happened, is the right thing to do.

Later, as children become aware of parents lying (the salad bowl and the phone call), it may be time to explain the lie – harder perhaps with the phone call than the gift. The idea of not hurting the feelings of others is important, and can be explained by considering what would have happened if the truth were told.

_Image

Once a lie has been put right, it's a good idea to give the child a quick hug and express pleasure that it's sorted out. This may seem like rewarding the lie, but actually it is rewarding reaching a solution, and allows the child to draw a line under the incident.

The reasons children tell lies include adult examples which suggest it is acceptable, and self protection from discovery, disapproval and punishment. In the early years, calm disapproval and suggesting ways of resolving the situation will help.

Later, the idea of a positive reason for a lie may need to be approached. Children should be encouraged to tell the truth, though, even if it puts them in a bad light, and then adult approval – by hug or praise – for resolution will set the child on the right path