Codependency and the relationship with narcissists... Part 6.

Codependency is a behavioral condition.

It's when one person enables another person.
This is one of the reasons why there is a close relationship between the overt/covert narcissist.

The person who is codependent allows – and can even encourage – the narcissist to express there narcissism.

The core characteristic of codependency is an excessive reliance on other people - both for approval, and for their own sense of identity.

The term 'codependent' is more descriptive of a relationship dynamic , rather than a personality type (such as the narcissist).

Codependency is psychological position that can be altered, with work. (unlike the overt or covert narcissist, who I believe is 'stuck' in a psychological dynamic, that they themselves, are not aware of having).

‘Curing codependency' is too simplistic.(and inaccurate).
You can moderate the effects of the more negative aspects of codependency, through self awareness.
This will then serve to make your quality of life better.
Codependency behavior is formed mostly in childhood, and as such, 'softly hardwired' to varying degrees.
'Curing' is a blunt expression that does not serve anyone trying to 'take back' an independent mindset perspective.
'Managing your issues' is a far more productive perspective.

Because codependency covers a spectrum of behaviors,as does narcissism, but many people confuse the two.
They may manifest themselves similarly , but they originate from vastly different places, from vastly different motivational standpoints.
If you're struggling with defining the differences between the two,(and trying to find out more about yourself), ask yourself this questions:

‘HAVE I EVER CONSCIOUSLY GONE OUT OF MY WAY TO MANIPULATE SOMEONE, KNOWING FULL WELL THAT IT WILL HAVE A DETRIMENTAL EFFECT/IMPACT ON THEIR LIVES?’

This can help indicate to you where you are - in terms of 'codependent' or 'narcissistic' spectrum.
Narcissists will have no moral issues with executing such a strategy, and may even get pleasure – narcissistic supply – from such manipulative action.
The narcissist is the scared child who's forever stuck on the hamster wheel that they've built for themselves, and is now too scared to ever move forwards - to truly grow up.
(This is one of things that makes the narcissist so dangerous.... Childish and manipulative, with childish temper tantrums- all while living it out in the adult world).

The codependent would not actively try to do this described above, not with another individual.

The codependent wants to please - even though that desire to please may often be at a detriment to themselves. (this is why - at least initially - they make attractive partners for the overt or covert narcissist).

A codependent cannot function properly on their own (always wants to be in a relationship), and whose thinking and behavior, is organized around another persons life.
Codependents place a lower priority on their own needs, unlike the narcissists personality (even though it can appear as the same thing).
Codependency can occur in any relationship be it family, work, friendship, and romantic.
Codependency can also appear in just one part of a person life, but not other parts.
For example, an intimate relationship at home that is codependent in nature, does NOT mean that it will exist in the workplace.

Codependents often find themselves in relationships (and attracted to individuals) where their primary role is that of rescuer, supporter, and confidante.
They are often dependent on the other person's poor functioning to satisfy their own emotional needs.
(hence the high ratio of codependent/narcissistic relationships).

This is where confusion can comes between codependency and narcissism - because the actions can look very similar.
The motivations, behind the actions - come from an entirely different place.

Codependent relationships, and indicators, are marked by:

Intimacy issues.

Control (including care taking).

Denial of reality.

Dysfunctional communications – (unable to clearly express their own needs and wants).

Boundary setting. (people pleasing, and unable to say ‘no’).

Passivity. (which can enable another persons negative personality traits, like addictions).

Intense (and unstable) interpersonal relationships.

Unable to be happy while being alone. (often accompanied by frantic efforts to avoid that situation).

Subordinating one's own needs to those of the person they are in a relationship with. (even if it comes at great personal expense).

An overwhelming need for acceptance and affection.

Perfectionism.

Dishonesty.

Manipulation.

Trust issues.

Victim mentality.
(see my post yesterday for more about ‘victim mentality’)

A codependent person's sense of purpose - of self worth - is based on making extreme sacrifices to satisfy their partner's needs. (martyr complex).

Codependent relationships express an exaggerated 'clinginess' and 'neediness'.

The emotional state of the codependent is often determined by how they think other individuals perceive them. (especially loved ones).
External sources are constantly required, so as to achieve a sense of inner happiness.

Codependents of the narcissist personality are sometimes called co-narcissists.
Narcissists are great at getting others to 'buy into' their own visions. (cult leaders for example),
They actively seek - and attract - partners who will put others needs before their own.
Codependents provide the narcissist with that obedient (and attentive) audience that they desperately crave (narcissistic supply).

With the narcissist's driving need to always feel important, and the codependent person's need to always help others, it’s very easy to see how these people are attracted, and are attractive – to each other.

How the codependency personality is formed…

In a dysfunctional family, the child learns to become attuned to the parent's needs and feelings - instead of it being the other way around.
This explains the correlation between the codependent adult, and narcissistic parent.
... and goes some way to explain why the codependent adult will find the narcissist attractive.
Codependent relationships manifest through enabling behaviors as mentioned above – and this can also be between parents and their children.
Children of codependent parents who ignore or negate their own feelings may become codependent themselves. (poor ego development in Freudian terms)

An individual can - in an attempt to ‘recover’ from codependency, go from being overly passive to being overly aggressive. Finding a healthy balance between the two states is indicative of ‘recovery’ from codependency .
(@lucylin looks in the mirror, and winces).

Developing the stance of ‘being a victim’ - of having ‘a victim mentality’ can also happen.
This would not constitute ‘recovery’ from codependency. (now @lucylin looks in the mirror and smiles this time).

A victim mentality can also be seen as part of the original state of the codependency (feelings of lack of empowerment).

Moving beyond ‘the victim mentality’ would include learning the capacity to forgive - and be able to - genuinely -‘let it go’. (as opposed to a narcissist, who’ll never move on and always bear grudges – on their hamster wheel).

Unresolved patterns of codependency can lead to more serious problems - like alcoholism, drug addiction, eating disorders, sex addiction, and other self-destructive behaviors.
(@lucylin looks in the mirror and really fucking smiles, this time).

Interesting factoids….

People with codependency issues are more likely to attract abuse from aggressive individuals. (From the overt narcissist, for example).

Codependents are more likely to stay in stressful jobs or
relationships that do not satisfy them.
(the overwhelming desire to please - especially at the expense of their own happiness... The martyr complex).

Codependents less likely to get – or seek - promotions.

End of factoids...

Remember... Codependency does not refer to all caring behavior or feelings - far from it - but only those that are excessive to an unhealthy degree for the individual involved.

I hope this helps in understanding the difference between
people with codependency issues and the narcissistic personality types.
As I said earlier, the two may appear to seamlessly overlap at times, in the their manifestations - the core motivations behind the very similar looking actions are very, very different.