Everybody Lies

After several detours from my path, a turbulent 2016, lots of changes, love from some people, distance and abandon from others, I started to reflect deeper about myself, the way I act and the things I expect from partner, friends, family. Among several other things, I started noticing and making mental notes about the honesty I give to the outside as well as the honesty that is given to me. Needles to say, both ways are disappointing.

                                

Why do we hide?

Well because HONESTY makes us vulnerable. Why it is so difficult for us to say what we really think, feel and want? Why do we have so much difficulty in expressing our needs and thoughts, wishes and opinions clearly?One answer to these questions is because we were educated to be dishonest.In the beginning babies and toddlers are absolutely honest with their nature. They experience and express their thoughts directly and unfiltered. They have no concepts or strategies to manipulate. We adults do not only tolerate this, we even glorify the child-like innocence.

And yet we stifle the honesty, the indifference, and genuineness of the children, as we begin to educate them.

Education always follows the same pattern: the educator manipulates the behavior of the educated by positively reinforcing desired behavior and sanctions unwanted behaviour, I personally realised this while I am trying to educate my lovely bundle of joy: Thor – the sable german shepherd. I “educate” him in the same manner: manipulating him in doing what I think a well behaved dog should do. The whole thing is based on the idea that the educated is just as he/she is, and how he/she is, is not okay and requires conscious shaping. It is as simple as that. The big problem is that children do not distinguish between their DOING and their BEING. They can not distinguish between criticism/praise at their action and criticism/praise to their person. They learn that people constantly assess other people and that the value of a person largely depends on how they behave.

The result: the educated child learns strategies to please and avoid sanctions. It learns to behave. Whether or not this behavior comes from an honest need, it has no importance. It learns to deny one’s own needs and to lie instead. Another consequence: the educated child learns that criticism towards it’s comments and actions feels like a rejection of the whole person and takes this lesson as a conditioning into the adult age. Criticism is perceived as something very negative. Giving or accepting criticism becomes difficult because the fear of injured feelings and rejection is to big. Welcome to the modern working era, where the adult gets told constantly “it is a constructive criticism”. Well it might be, but think about how many years you lived with the idea that criticism is negative? This confusion leads to unwanted stress.

The educated adult has cultivated a belief that protects and promotes insincerity.

Many of us have learned that their own needs are not taken seriously or are even cause for rejection, and that it is not necessarily okay that we feel like we feel. We have learned that it is better to pretend instead of being sincere and we have learned that dishonesty seems to work better for us. Seemingly. On the one hand, dishonesty creates a distance within ourselves, as well as between us and our relationship partners, and prevents genuine proximity, genuine intimacy.

On the other hand, there is a constant, diffuse fear.

The fear that someone will know who we really are, what we really think, feel and want. That we receive in return rejection. We are no longer liked or loved. This creates stress. One thing is crystal clear: we often reject ourselves because of who we are. We do not feel loveable when we are afraid, angry or sad. Again and again we were evaluated and now we evaluate ourselves. Unfortunately mainly only negatively.If we become aware of this, we can get involved. We can learn to observe evaluations about ourselves and others and take them through the more conscious observer’s perspective. 

When we make a more conscious approach to our ratings, we can learn to accept ourselves and others more honestly – with every sensation, with every thought, with every emotion.And only if we succeed with ourselves, we can than allow other people to accept us completely. By being honest and showing ourselves. As that is what we are at this moment. A huge thank you and deep love to my dearest friend Elena for the guidance, love, passion, support and for the fact that she never got tired of me while I was stuck in my process. Love you!BeTrueToYourself and Others!xo, Alex