Unconscious Mind Trickery
This is for the ecotrain question of the week about what the unconscious mind is and what it does.
Last summer I left yet another long term relationship. He's the father of my two youngest children. We were together for roughly 7.5 years. I really can't begin to describe how positive this decision was. I'm so much happier, so much freer. The relationship was super toxic.
Free
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It actually was instrumental in changing the circumstances of my life even. I suppose some combination of how much better life flows when you're free and happy along with how much I prefer to actually just be responsible for myself and don't like having to depend on undependable people for things like food and housing for my children. Makes sense.
This wasn't my first rodeo. I'm what some people call a serial monogamist. I had really come to the conclusion that I have absolute shit taste in men. It's weird, though, because I have great taste in friends. So, I was curious why I kept picking these guys who are just awful for me. It's weird, right? I wasn't super concerned honestly because I feel really done with long term relationship at this point. I'm down for friends and fuck buddies. That's pretty much it. I love living in freedom and peace with my kids. I just don't feel like I need or want anything else.
I do social media work for a friend who has a matchmaking agency in Denver. Kind of ironic, I guess. So I end up reading and filtering through all these articles about relationships and dating. I'm able to be pretty objective which is cool.
The freaking light goes on
One day I came across this really brilliant article, and here's where we circle back to the unconscious mind. This woman said that when you feel the whole "madly in love" thing that it's because someone is filling in a pattern or need from your childhood. This is often unhealthy. So I realized what I had been doing. I'd been living out ugly patterns. Of course we all sort of know that part, but I really didn't realize that was what caused the Gaga in love bit. Our unconscious mind uses that insanely addictive feeling to try to get us to see our patterns, perhaps heal our wounds?
In case you're interested, she says the ideal feeling to look for when you're starting a relationship is "huh, they seem nice." If you find yourself flipping and fretting about when someone calls or texts, that's a bad sign. Back away slowly. It's best to find someone who you're glad to hear from but aren't hysterical about, someone who grows on you slowly because you actually like who they are. Wild, huh? Revolutionary even.
I think our unconscious makes a great servant, keeping us alive and such, but it's a really bad master. It's not wise to let it run the show. It remembers the wounds. It doesn't know how to let shit go. It doesn't know how to heal without the help of the conscious mind. It can bring awareness but only if we're paying attention. Pay attention. Use it as a piece of information. Then tell it to sit down and be quiet so you can do the healing work. Useful information.
All the same, I'm done with relationships.
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I knew we were connected in more than one way. I have a pretty shitty taste in men too, but a very good taste in friends! Usually people that I call a friend, will remain friends forever. Men...not so much. What a great thing to have in common LOL. But I share the same feelings too. I've had it with relationships, and am quite happy on my own with the kids without having an extra (bigger) kid around.
However, I have to disagree with you about something here (oh NO! Our first argument, LOL). Of course, I'm not always right. In my opinion, it is the sub conscious that gives us this JippeedeeYay feeling when we fall for someone. It's the subconscious that remembers those patterns from our childhood. And it's the conscious mind that reacts. However, the deep 'gut' feeling we have, when deep inside we know that this person is not the right one for us, comes from the unconscious mind (who's there to protect us). However, the subconscious then says: 'No, no, no, it's great, and I need this and want this.' And the conscious mind ignores the unconscious...Tells itself: 'Let's just follow the heart.' When in reality, we're not following our heart, but those vibrations coming from the subconscious telling us to go for it..
Does this make sense? I know, I babble a lot. LOL.
Funny thing, and I wonder if you have the same: I'm ALWAYS very well capable to scope out when a partner is not right for someone else...just not for me...
I had that same feeling we were connected in many ways. I honestly think it's a very tiny percentage of people who have any clue at all what a healthy relationship even looks like. I certainly don't.
Your distinction between the unconscious and subconscious makes perfect sense to me. There are so many voices going in my head 😂
And yes! I totally watch others making horrible partner choices often.
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Well, I think that a healthy relationship is when the partners are equal in every way. When they can be themselves. They don't have to always agree, but they do have to come to some sort of understanding. In my life, I've seen a few of these kinds of relationships. Two of my friends have it. Then I also have friends who are not 100% happy in their relationship all the time, but who stay with the other because it works 80% of the time. I think I would have given up by then.
The thing is, all my relationships started out like that. I think I have a problem seeing the narcissist in them. Maybe that's what narcissists do. Because my three major relationships in my life, they were all three narcissists. One even psycho on top of that (bad, bad combi). Turns out, there are different kinds of narcissists, and all three were different. If they weren't, I would have been able to scope them out beforehand.
As for the second one (the narcissist psycho), NO ONE, even his best friends ever expected the games he would play. His two best friends knew him since they were kids, and they were as surprised as I was. So I don't really blame myself for anything, because if they didn't know, then how could I have predicted how vicious he really was.
I think it's how we learn. And the thing is too, we're both now at a point where we don't want or need a relationship. I think that if or when we do meet someone down the line, this lack of co-dependency or the need for someone will also be known and felt by the other. I don't know, I have this theory that we've attracted these idiots, because somehow we vibrated some sort of 'need' and with those kinds of vibrations, it's really the only thing we can attract.
I also have a special thing for narcissists. I should just assume that if I'm attracted to someone, they're a narcissist. I've also had many different kinds. They're sneaky like that.
I agree that being totally confident and comfortable in my Independence makes a huge difference in what I attract. The neediness never attracts anything good.
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So true! I think I just had to go through my relationships so I could learn that I really only needed what I already had: myself (and the kids). I've become stronger and I don't regret a thing. And to be honest, I think I've always been too independent and stubborn to 'share' the kids with anyone or make decisions with someone not on the same level as I am. I know deep in my heart that even though I'm not perfect, I know what's best for my kids, and having to struggle and argue to get to where I think they should be, is just too much hassle. In all relationships (with the donors, LOL) I had to either argue about things like unassisted birth, no vax etc. or they really didn't give a damn. Either way was wrong. If the other is not on the same line of thoughts, it will never work. In that case, I'd rather be alone and have good friends.
Me too. I can't even remember what I was seeking because I'm so content now.
I'm also really bad at sharing parenting. I know what I'm doing, and I don't need some fool coming along and messing with my program 😂. Like you said, too much hassle. Took a week to even name the 4th baby. Why can't people just trust I'm right?! 😂😂
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damn bloody fine advice here,, wow. i read it like it was gospal!
Aww. Thanks, Alex. I really appreciate that.
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you and me both Mama, I have shit taste in men, but my friends are awesome. This really resonated with me, it's crazy how we all think it is that full on intense love that we should be looking for rather than being with someone we actually enjoy being with. This has been a revelation for me and yeah I am happy with me and my girls xxx
It really kinda blew my mind. We always think that goofy in love feeling is a sign of a soul mate, but it's really a sign of a wound.
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This gave me some WONDERFUL food for thought about the falling in love process, and how our unconscious mind mirrors and seeks to teach us and bring to awareness. Really thought provoking. :)
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Thanks! I'm so glad it had meaning for you. It was really profound for me to realize that the whole "Gaga" feeling is a big signal for healing and not necessarily a sign that you've found a soul mate.
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