I Wanna Fall in Love with Myself Again & Honouring the Grief of Letting Go

I wanna feel life throbbing though my veins once again.

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I wanna dance like there was no tomorrow. I wanna write like this was my last testament. I wanna feel alive, once more.

(picture taken in the Austrian mountains two weeks ago during a yoga retreat)

I wanna reconnect to that sense of pure joy and wonder at existence that has permeated my being many times before.

I wanna realign myself with my inner source, and feel at one with existence as I flow once again with the river of purity and passion of my soul. I wanna be my radiant self, once more.

I remember those times when I would tread upon this earth with so much ease and purpose.

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I was showing up to my soul’s desire for myself, and I was making myself happy.

I was not leaning towards anything else from the outside to provide me with the fulfilment that only I am capable of offering to myself.

But I disconnected from that way of being. Slowly, but surely, I dropped into the abyss of self-neglect and now my soul is aching.

I want to feel activated. I wanna feel on fire again.

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I wanna reconnect to that feeling and let it show me the next steps that I need to take. I wanna know where I am needed next, what places and people will reveal my next stage of growth, learning and service.

As I turn another page in this grand book, a new chapter awaits to be written. I wonder, what shall I write about next?

I have allowed myself to be carried away by the hopes of a future possibility. I had a dream, I had a vision, I had an ambition.

But life had other plans in store for me.

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Now I feel an emptiness in my heart, grieving for the loss of what could have been. Those words I wrote a few months ago are echoing through my mind once again:

I find myself, once again, in solitude.

The gaping silence, once a terrifying possibility, is now familiar territory. Yes, another truth storm savagely ravished my being.

This time, I welcomed it as a blessing, for without the sacred water of knowledge, the fertile soil of my soul would not bear its magnificent fruits.

Knocking down walls of arrogance, shattering naive illusions, exposing blind spots, this storm also revealed the growing fortitude of some roots I had been diligently tending after previous soul storms.

Sadness, you are welcome in my inner temple.

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I hear your gentle request for acknowledgement, and I salute you. I won't push you away, or resist you... or drown you in compulsive numbing addictions.

I hear your cry, and I am here with you this time, deeply and completely, until you feel ready to move on. Yes, I'm honouring the grief of letting go.

Love, they say, burns away all that is not love.

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Oh, and how it does, in a mysterious dance of light and shadows...

To say that I have a “love and relationship addiction” is a superficial account, the tip of the iceberg.

What lies underneath the surface is that surrendering to love has proven to be the most powerful vortex of personal growth, healing and deepening self-awareness.

Time and time again, I am being challenged to face my shadows, overcome my limitations, relinquish my defences, befriend my confusion, exit my comfort zone, question my integrity.

And in so doing, a vaster space opens up, for more life to flow through the pores of my being, for more compassion to nourish those abandoned dry patches, for more beauty to illuminate the dullness of previous constrictions.

The universe keeps sending me opportunities to polish this rough diamond, so it can more radiantly shine the light from source.

Mirrors everywhere, I just have to turn around, one inch at a time, and discover another facet of my being reflected back at me.

In awe, I gaze into the eyes of another, as if I’m gazing into my own soul, and I remember all that I had forgotten...

But I don't need someone to remind me of who I am anymore.

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I know it, and the more I walk my path, the more it reveals itself to me.

I just have to straighten my crown and keep going forwards.

It's not enough to say I love myself. I need to act as if I do. I need to make my every breath a sacred offering to life.

I need to remember to not forget, once again...

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Another post from my phone, that's why I haven't got many pictures. I wanna get into the habit of posting whenever the desire shows up, whenever and wherever that may be.

Thanks for making it to the end of this post. I know it is a little melancholic and existential. I hope you enjoyed it, still!

Sending my love to the world ❤

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Be You, Be Wild, Be Free!

Bristena
#DiaryOfAFreeSpirit