A Golden Moment

Lucidity (noun)

1 : clearness of thought or style

2 : a presumed capacity to perceive the truth directly and instantaneously : CLAIRVOYANCE

I've had so many moments of lucidity, powerful ones, but usually these come on the tail of some life altering event that has a considerable amount of sadness attached or immense details. So, for this entry, I'm going to go with a true event that happened 5 years ago - a sweet story with a sweet surprise ending.

It was a wonderful time in our life. All was well.

We had just finished with my son's multiple arm surgeries, everyone was well, happy and life was beautiful again. It was a wonderful place in life.

Given this state of mind, I thought it would be a perfect time to do something for myself. Something positive to compliment and perhaps celebrate an already good place I was in in my life. To hit the reset button. I set out looking for 'that special thing' to do. It could be as simple as getting a relaxing massage, doing some interesting workshop or.....

What's this? EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) - An acupressure technique routinely used and highly recommended to optimize your emotional health, physical health and a long list of disease conditions and pain. It can even clear the way to achieve life goals. I must have watched a dozen videos of people's experiences with EFT - their testimonies were nothing less than miraculous and positive.

It was as if EFT was everything I was looking for wrapped up into one special thing. I was so excited about this 'find' and was amazed to see a practitioner that lived in my town in the certified practitioner's listings, just up the road! It was meant to be!

I arrived that early summer morning at the practitioner's house which was at the end of a beautiful, long country driveway with wild flowers gracing the house's footprint. Her practice was in a separate building adjacent to her house. "What a lovely place to live and work!" I thought.

My excitement was building! "This is going to be so great!"

She introduced herself as "Martha" and my mind took careful note of the comfortable, trustworthy sound of her name, voice and calm demeanor. After the niceties of cordial introductions and explanation of EFT, "Martha" went right to business, "So, how are you doing? Everything okay?" Of course, I didn't realize that this was a trick question or that we were officially starting our session. My answer to her was quick, "Everything is GREAT...I'm mean, besides what's going on in the world."

Shoulda never gone there.

I could tell by her tone that she had shifted into 'counselor mode' with her words considerably slowed down as if she was a kindergarten teacher asking why I think pink elephants exist playing on rainbows, "What's... going... on... in the world... that bothers you?" I prefaced my answer with a short burst of laughter, "What's not to be bothered by the news of another war and lack of peace in the world?" Her head tilted to the side as if analyzing my question to her question as she probed further into this topic, "I'm not bothered by it...why would it bother you?"

"Oh "Martha", I'm not here for this, I'm here for happy", my mind digressed off.

Martha continued on with her personal probing questions. She was clearly on some kind of breadcrumb trail which she thought would lead to 'something' substantial - something that would legitimize our session as "worthwhile". Her kindergarten-esk way of conversing with me only served to agitate me and I became exceedingly aware that it was affecting the way I answered her. I just wasn't willing nor wanting to participate in this.

I wasn't there for counseling, I was there for HAPPY!

My answers continued to be vague in order to shut her out of my personal space. I was truly getting irritated by the invasion of my personal thoughts and feelings and it was being reflected back to her. Not my typical character. I felt very uptight and stressed and put up walls at every turn.

I am usually an open book but for some reason this line of questioning was stirring something in me which I didn't quite understand. It became a battle between Martha and I - this dance of wills. It was absurd to me - all because I made the side comment that I was bothered by the wars and lack of peace in the world. "I'm happy...but"

Martha finally gave up and retreated.

With a big outgoing breath of frustration, Martha suddenly announced, "Okay, let's do some EFT." At this point, all I really wanted to do was leave her office. I thought about it, too, "There's the door, I'm an adult, I can just leave if I want." However, given that we were both frustrated by this point, I resolved myself to stay and at least experience what EFT was like. This sounded very reasonable to me.

Martha then had me tap on certain points of my face while repeating words that came from our dance of wills. The process was rather awkward to me as I was tripping over my words trying to keep up with memory and tapping at the same time. I would compare it to that little exercise of patting your head while rubbing your tummy at the same time.

On the positive side, the awkwardness and pure spectacle that I imagined this scene looking like, promptly shifted my mood into my normal quirky, laughing self. I broke out into hysterical laughter as Martha looked on from her comfortable chair across the room - occasionally giving out a smile every once in a while.

Source

Then, without warning, the floodgates opened up. Laughter ---> Massive crying!

What the.....I'm not tapping anymore! Not going to do it!

I'm not talking about a little wimpy crying! I'm talking about a surge of emotion that seemed to come out of nowhere, rolling out of my body as if it were some kind of foreign invader being expelled. My body started shaking and guttural moanings emerged. Then my face bunched up into a single, contorted focal point with my nose producing snot bubbles. Not pretty! But I couldn't stop it! This was all involuntary and I had absolutely no control over it.

I didn't want to even look at Martha. What did Martha do to me?! I was holding on for dear life while she sat comfortably in her chair across the room observing this spectacle with disconnected calmness. Then she calmly walked across the room with precisely two boxes of kleenex which I promptly used in minutes.

In my emotional incapacitated state, I started having memories flooding my mind. Obscure memories I had long forgotten and put away. They involved memories of feelings from my childhood - not having control over what was happening or not feeling 'safe'. And somehow this was intimately connected to how I felt about the horrific things happening in the world. Wow!

That raging storm finally settled down with little moments of calm relief. And as it did, I no longer resented Martha as much. I finally understood and smiled at her a few times as I felt myself returning to normal. I also shared with her what I realized as I moved through this storm and thanked her for being so patient with me.

Exhausted from what had just happened and the revelations that came with the experience, I just wanted to leave her office and go home! I was in a state of awe, however, with tears still steadily trickling from that deep reservoir when I stepped out into the covered breezeway between buildings.

As I walked toward the end of the breezeway, the bright morning sunlight hit the tears in my eyes creating the visual effect of dancing prisms of colored rainbows. I hesitated wiping my eyes in order to take in the beauty of it and then felt this strange sense that I wasn't alone and noticed a blurred figure in front of me suddenly appear.

Wiping my eyes, I was stunned to discover that I was standing face to face with a deer. She took my breath away, quite literally. My mind just couldn't grasp what I was seeing. It was so surreal. The sun was dancing off her golden, glistening fur and little, flitterings of sparkling particles floating in the air around her. She just stood there very fixated in this golden mist before me. It was unreal. She looked like a mythical creature, out of place.

Her eyes pulled me into them until we were both somehow locked inside this timeless and frozen place. I felt this sense of deep compassion and love coming from her...very deliberate and nurturing. Though we were from two entirely different worlds (human and animal), the exchange of energy between us was potently familiar and mutual. And in this moment, she was giving me a beautiful gift that I was incredibly grateful for.

Then I had a flashback of a poem I wrote as a child about a golden deer. This only added to the other worldliness of the moment between us. "Are you that golden deer in my poem?", I thought to myself in a humorous side note. Then I just thanked her for giving me this moment and I sent her as much love as my heart could pour out to her. With that, she pranced away, bouncing through the wildflower in the open field.

I floated to my car in disbelief and sat there for quite a few moments trying to rationalize what just happened before driving away. It was just too amazing to be real. By the time I was on the road for my drive home, I had convinced myself that it couldn't have been real and that the only explanation had to be that "Martha" had a pet deer. After all, she did live in the country and the deer was much too friendly to be a wild deer. And what wild deer would approach a human being like that unless they were domesticated and was used to human contact?!

A year would pass after this event. I didn't think about the deer much.

On this day, I had to travel 30 miles to another town for an acupuncture appointment to alleviate some pain our son was having with his arm. We arrived a little early and were sitting in the waiting room when a woman walked by. With my peripheral vision, I could see that she stopped so I looked up and the woman was staring at me. She appeared to be confused. I too, felt like I knew this woman but couldn't place her. "Do I know you, you look so familiar?!" she laughed. I told her that I was trying to place her face, too. Then I realized that she was "Martha". What?! I laughed and confirmed, "I think we had an EFT appointment a year ago." Then we both realized that as long as I had been going to our acupuncturist, I had never seen her nor she I. We had a big laugh about this and then I brought up her pet deer.

"You know, I ran into your pet deer that day after I left your office, she was so sweet!"

I could clearly see her face switch to confused again with a mixture of delight, "What deer? I don't have a deer. I've never seen a deer on my property." I joined her in confused delight as we laughed together at the wonderment of it all.

"What a gift....that is truly special...AMAZING...that just made my day!"

I had no words to add to hers. I was simply in awe, stunned into the lucidity of the moment - Of not only the gift the golden deer gave me that day, but also what she gave Martha and I in that moment.

The following is the childhood poem I wrote about the golden deer. I didn't intend for this poem to go where it did. It was actually a poem to express my feelings of not feeling safe - the Panther, a predatory symbol, the unknown. When I write poetry, I often get visuals as I walk through the poem and to my surprise, the gold deer appeared and changed the entire context of the poem into something beautiful. She exuded so much love and beauty that the panther refrained from his wild instinct to harm her, allowing himself to just appreciate her essence.

“The Panther”

Silently the panther crept,
Slithering quietly with every step.

Growling suredly with every sway...
Through the green he made his way.

Crackling, crumbling, a noise came from beyond,
In the distance around the pond.

A shadow shuddered in a trance,
Quickening, the panther pranced.

In the distance stood a beautiful doe.
Her eyes were a darkened mirror;
Her fur of glistening gold.

The panther stood and stared;
Not a step did he dare.

She lowered her head and drank from the pond.
Then he watched her walk away until she was gone.

Modified image sources:

https://pixabay.com/en/gold-glitter-sunrise-brightness-2962187/

https://pixabay.com/en/roe-deer-deer-animal-nature-wild-1367182/

This post on Lucidity is just another 'Drop In the Ocean' for the wonderful BuddyUP group