First Night of Traversing the Void [jopefully]

Tonight will be different, I'm sure...I hope. There was that ONE night, weeks ago, where I cleaned up my room, preparing to change my life (again). I don't really know why this one was so different. I rearranged my altar to make it more "sacred" to my eyes, and it feels the way. Looking through many books on astrology and connecting it to psychology was a fun way of diving into my ideas of how my internal universe was constructed. Something drew me to my opium pipe. Made of brass and shaped in the form of a peacock. Something said to open the contents and low and behold...there resided some Mary Jane, the grandmother of my insecurities and enlightenment. Weeks before I planned on not smoking again for months, but I caved and gave in. Invoking the power of mama canna I said "allow me to focus on willing knowledge into myself". And I took the little hit that was left and fell into my witch state in minutes.

I had many books open, connecting dots from taoist sexual practices to different deities of various pantheons. I was in my delusional state, which gives me access to my creative juice. I lost focus, I'll admit...because I searched up porn. To make a long story short, I managed to involve myself with the creation or manifestation of the queen Succubus. Images in my head of the mother teaching her daughter how to devour her prey [a single man]. First the Queen rode him, frightening him into submission and yet he stood erect...then after she was done she instructed her child to swallow his seed. It was a mix of incest, rape and nurture. In this state I didn't know what to make of it, I should have been uncomfortable, but since I play in the dark...these concepts don't alarm me, especially in the realm of the spirit. As she taught, however, I was greeted with this grand scene of a large cave light structure. Other Lilin like beings clamored around them, crying out with every thrust she made onto her victim. Waves of sexual energy were being pushed out to them and I could feel it climbing up my back and down my thighs.

What was happening? Was I creating a story in my head, or was it being created for me? The Queen, Lilith as I refer to her, said "I could devour you, spit you out and leave you for death...but I could use you for so much more". Was she speaking to me...or the man in the imagery? I had to calm myself, back away from stroking my dick and focus on studying more. My erections haven't been weak lately, but my libido yes. I dont know if biologically something is wrong...or if on another level I'm beginning to encounter something. More research is needed.

Later that night I went to lay down, to relax and fall asleep. I felt strong vibratory sensations across my arms, almost as if they'd fallen asleep. Then my legs felt numb...and all of a sudden a revving of some sort of "machine"...until I heard static surround me. Almost like the white noise from the tv when you left it on too late. I covered my ears but the sound was still there. Fearing that I was becoming crazy I didn't know what to do. I had smoked that weed before, there was nothing different. Lately I hadn't been getting high from smoking anyway, but tonight something terrifying was happening. Was I going to remain like this? Was I always going to hear this static blare around me?

The more I relaxed and calmed...focusing on the static...the more it dissipated and I gentle hum was felt. When I would break focus the static would return, yelling at me. Soon I felt it become conscious. I would ask questions, and it would blare at certain times and not at others. Was I tapping into something? Was I a receiver? Or was I mad? Either way, this was real. I don't know what was happening honestly, but my stupid ass looked up on the internet..."Is Inception Real". And I meant that to mean, is it possible to enter a dream and not truly know if you could escape. Reading the post frightened me, almost as if I was receiving a message about the dangers of entering my dreams and going to deeply. My Iya also warned me to not worry about going to deep...she said to focus on me and not so much on my travels.

I'm afraid of water...as much as the element corresponds with me and I enjoy seeing it...the fear drowning or dropping to the bottom of water is daunting. I know why that is...because I have no control over this element, it is inherent within me...I fear myself...I fear the unknown within me. And dreams are light water, always moving, always turning with the mere thought you put. And knowing how dark my mind can be, I'm afraid of creating things darker than I can handle. However I do know that my fear is my greatest weapon...and I want to learn to wield it.

Tonight is going to be a little different. I lit this purple candle to assist me in my dream travels. As of late, dreaming has returned since I've stopped smoking and intaking cannabis. As much as I love it...it's not a socializing drug for me...it's very personal and the spirit is showing me that. Tonight I hope to encounter the red door that will lead me out into my dream worlds. Some are monstrous, others elegantly designed for adventure...but there are answers somewhere within.

I call upon Zayn to help me...he's the boy I met in that "Silent Hill-esque" world...he seemed to know the plane more than me...I shouldn't have been gunning to go through doors I know nothing about. And I shouldn't have nervously attacked that Elrond looking guy in that nature looking dream world...I react too much...since I'm so nervous and ready to fight. I need to actually stop and speak with the beings pursuing me...or approaching me. Maybe then I'll receive answers as to why I feel my dreams are stronger than reality. Maybe then I'll receive insight on the powers within me.

Tonight I step through the red door. Hoping to see the white river spread out across the cosmos to the various realities hidden within me. The shards of mirror's I can look to in order to find myself within the reflections. My greatest fear is not coming back from these realities...however I know that's not possible, because this dimension is where I'm stuck...and I have to take everything I've gained from these planes to this one.

Wish me Luck. Sweet Dreams.