Snake eyes and the rain

Like clockwork I woke up crying and feeling angry. I just had another nightmare and just like the others it was so vivid that it felt I was there.

I have been writing down these nightmares and my posts all consists of these pieces of my life.

Let us begin then recording it.

It started with me walking a dirt path. One that you would see in any barrio in the province. It felt it was after an event because there were other people walking and they turn to smile and say hello to me. I stop and do some small talk with them but continued walking after awhile.

I remember it began to rain and like a child I held up my hand to savor the cool feel of the raindrops hitting my skin.

Then my mother walks beside me and I remember asking her how her day was. She said she was happy to be teaching again. She was teaching preschool kids English in a nearby school. I was listening to her talk about the kids when she told me to get out of the rain and join her under her umbrella. I said I'm okay and found myself opening my own umbrella. I remember seeing my umbrella was bent in one side. One of the spokes was broken like an umbrella I have here in my house.

We were talking as we were crossing a bridge. Yeah from a dirt road to a bridge I know it doesn't make sense right. I noticed that the sides of the bridge seemed unfinished. Then my mother seemed distracted suddenly and the world went slow motion as she fell.

I remember trying to reach her but as time was excruciatingly slow I couldn't catch her and saw her plummet down the river.

I was crying and feeling helpless. Then a significant person came out of a taxi. I know a taxi in this place! She was running towards the river to save my mother and she jumped in.

There were other people in the river already and then I saw them fish out my brother. I remember seeing him wearing these white shoes. It looked like Adidas canvas shoes like the ones I like wearing. It was white with green lines.

He was alive though and was coughing up water. Then another group of people emerged from the river carrying my mother. She is alive as well. I was crying.

Then a break in this scene as I saw someone else. In the dream he was another brother but in real life I don't have one. What was significant here was his eyes.

He had Snake eyes. It was color yellow and narrow black pupils. He looked at me with such hate.

He killed himself in that same river. Yet in the dream he was very much alive, living on the bottom of the river, hidden.

I remember feeling a force from my body tear open a space in the fabric of reality and it pierced his hide out. I grabbed him and pulled him out.

I remember him telling me how much he hated me and resented me for the person I am today.

Then I am back at the previous scene and I walk towards my brother (the real one) and I remember punching him in the face, yelling how could he do that.

I was crying and feeling angry and then I woke up crying and feeling angry while I type these words.

Wakefulness gives certain perspective. I think the other brother was me. It was me looking at me with hateful eyes like a snake. The hot stare of those yellow eyes and the blackest narrow slit pupils. The hate and resentment.

I don't know what my dreams are trying to tell me.