The more free time, the less I do..

I've been back for almost 3 weeks and all the things I said I would do if I had the time are still not done.

Not having a routine, a reason to wake up in the morning or I'll be in trouble, has me waking up really late, not feeling any rush to complete any task, and overall not doing shit.

This behavior makes me wonder what fuels my fire. Is it a clear goal? Is it the cracking of the whip, no matter if i'm interested in the task or not? Is it passion for something?

Why is it that when I had a job I hated, I felt productive? I did wake up and I'd be awake for 9 hours mindlessly doing what I was told. When I was out I was tired, and sometimes I had the motivation to go and do the things I like to do. Some other times I just wanted to go back to bed. I thought I wanted to use those 9 hours on those things I enjoy.

But here I am. On my couch day after day. I forced myself to do laundry yesterday...

Money comes to mind. I don't feel like I'm depressed and have lost interest on things. But this situation is new for me and I guess I'm adjusting and trying to be careful. Things cost money, friends want to go have lunch, I had to freeze my gym membership. And yet, I could still go for a walk... although the pollen might kill me.

I used to paint... And I always said I didn't have enough time.... I could paint. Why is it that getting the canvas and paints out seem like such a hassle? What would I paint anyway.. I never seem to come up with the next greatest piece of art.

The more I play guitar, the more comfortable I'm with the basics and the more I see how much I don't know. Will I ever catch up? I don't even know what I should learn first! I feel overwhelmed. Still that's the only thing that I'm actually doing.

Steemit was on the things to do if I didn't have a job. Yes, laugh with me. I haven't posted anything in like a month. No one reads anything anyway. And it seems like no one really votes anymore.

So, there. That's me venting. Maybe my blog will turn into my Dear Diary. Why not.. I have plenty of thoughts these days..

I will start massage therapy school in July. I'm excited about that. Until then........ Ugh... I really need to start getting out of my pijamas...