Mac

Once upon a time, 5 years ago if we are going to be exact a Birman cat Mac and his sister Mittens came into my life, yesterday we put Mac to sleep, to say that I am upset is an understatement.

Myself and my partner rescued these two senior cats from a centre where they had been dropped off a few months before and being older cats weren’t as appealing as the cute fluffy kittens that didn’t hang around for long. As soon as the door to the avery type cage opened and Mac lifted his head from his slumber his purr echoed through the cage and at this point his sister was almost doing cartwheels of excitement on the perch above at the sight of us. Mac stood up and rubbed his head against my hand and sat to attention, he may have literally said “ok I’ll get my cat carrier, we going now?” When we got them home they settled immediately cuddling up with us on the sofa and for days on end not leaving our sides. Mac would run to the door to greet us when we got home from work like a little dog would. I had cats before but not like these, the love and gratitude poured from them.

It was fairly soon that I realised that these cats had been through a few ups and downs, Mittens was using the front door as a litter tray and Mac was using the wall, so on the face of it they appeared happy and healthy, but obviously there were some underlying health problems, from speaking to the carer and the food that she gave us with them we were able to see that the diet was poor, cheapest kibble you could buy, like Macdonalds for cats. Several trips to the vets and some great expense later it was established that Mac had quite advanced Renal failure, Mittens spraying for the moment was behavioural, ok fine we can work with this was my thinking, never one to pass up on a challenge, but it became pretty evident early on that these kitties needed some special tlc, without knowing the back story of their lives I guessed that this had perhaps been an issue for a while, that perhaps lead to them being in the rescue place for the second time in ten years, because the owner ‘was moving’ which was the excuse of the previous one too, I’m not judging here, because there have been moments where I too have thought ‘wow this is going to be hard’ but for me I saw that they are my responsibility now and the amount of love that they show how would I not support them as best as I can, and perhaps with less money and a different set of circumstances I would have done the same, and I do remember bailing out on things when the going got hard in the past. So no not me not this time!

So..the point of this story that I am sharing here is, when Mac died yesterday I faced one if the hardest decisions of my life, I have watched both my parents die and others in my life and have had my previous cat put to sleep, so why is this decision so hard? I asked myself the following:

• do I feel guilty ? Not really I’ve done all that I can.
• is this the best for all decision? Yes
• am I mourning a part of myself, that bit that Mac represented in me, that care and complete unconditional support that I gave him, AM I giving this to myself? Not always

For the first time in my life I understand why this is hard, why my tears are genuine tears of sadness, not a feeling sorry for myself or poor Mac! But the day I brought these cats home with me, was the day that I gave not only them a chance of life but me too, I have learnt so much from them, patience, comfort, strength and doing what’s best for all. I now know that the love and care I so vehemently unconditionally gave to Mac in these last five years was the best I could do, there were mistakes of course, and knowing Mac as I do he would forgive me for that, so I now owe it to him to give to myself the best LOVE and SUPPORT I can, and for this Mac I am eternally greatful , Mac you are full of GREATness, and I promise I will do my best to live the words self love and self support. I am proud of myself in many ways, because I have not had children and I often wonder what kind of mother I would be, when it’s my own flesh and blood, but now I know that if I can unconditionally love and care for a being that is not a biological part of me I can love and care in a supportive way for any being myself included.

Thank you for reading this and I want to bring your attention to a group of folk that without their love and support I may not be here now #desteni