Fine Line

Life does not get any easier. People think I have so much to life for. I have merely come to the conclusion that I just want to live this life any longer.

No need to worry-sucide is not the plan. I think with honesty that everyone at some point has thought about the last and final act. I do understand the process of how a person could get to the point of wanting the curtain to close forever. I have been on the living side of such death. I felt so much despair and most of all guilt. A funeral service presents itself with a pastor or priest trying to convince me that it is never too late. I have yet to see someone get "saved" at a funeral service. Suicide is a sin and the church preaches against it. The church is so unequipped to deal with such human conditions. The stock answer is to pray.

I am somewhere between life and death. If you have been there, you totally get the concept. I feel I have nothing to live for, but at the same time there is nothing worth dying for either. I wish I could erase some of the horribleness of days past. Those things were caused by people who were suppose to take care of me and love me. I prefer the fantasy to the daily motions of reality.

The total absolute truth is that all of this is real. No one greets depression with open arms. I do believe that as with other diseases it is hereitary. This thing that exists within my head is chemical. The abuse that I suffered over the years still shadow me.