Diary of a Depressed Mom

January 2, 2018

To say that I'm proud of myself for today is definetly an understatement! Today I focused on two of the areas that I need help in the most.....hygiene (laugh all you want but its a struggle sometimes to maintain myself when I get depressed) and my OCD.

I try very hard to keep my shit together, I have been in a committed and serious relationship for the last 4 years to a very VERY understanding man who thankfully deals with my depression very well. One of the hardest things for people who dont struggle with a mental illness to understand is how hard the simple things in life can be. Sometimes brushing my hair and showering daily get put on the back burner....and lets not mention the things that get neglected on the run of days that I dont leave my bed. Why I neglect myself I might never understand because the feeling that I get when I am freshly shaved, cleaned, have my hair done and put on some make up is the greatest feeling of accomplishment. But its a struggle....everyday its a struggle, its exhausting, its time consuming and well its one of my new years resolutions.
Its not a resolution for myself because I dont really give two shits on what I look like personally, I'm 36 with kids, a full time job, and have never been super into make up or doing my hair, no this resolution is for Andrew.
Andrew is my night in shining armour, my best friend, my baby daddy, and the calm to my chaos. Andrew is the whole reason my life has become as wonderful as it is, and we can touch more on that some other time because I have no problem bragging on him or how far I have come in the last few years of "recovery'. But tonight I just want to skim on his importance to show how the little things like finally coloring my silver hairs and blowdrying my mane effects my daily life.
sometimes no matter how badly I want to look nice for him its hard. One of the most important people in my life sometimes cant even get me into the shower, its sad, it hurts, but its the truth and until tonight I've never really discussed it with anyone.
I haven't ever gotten to the point where I felt disgusting, part of being OCD does come in handy apparently so some regular routines, like brushing my teeth and not allowing dreadlocks to form is nice, but its not always as easy for some people. I dont get it and I'm sure that the people who like me suffer don't understand it either but tonight rinsing the dye from my hair and keeping myself a priority for this wonderful new year felt really nice,
so tonight as I mark the last thing off my list and head to bed I'm confident that tomorrow waking up wont be as hard.