MY NEMESIS: DEPRESSION 2

Depression is still a bitch. Healing is a process. The first ray of light piercing through the muddy waters does not indicate the end of the struggle. It simply means that I now have a beacon to wade toward.

What have I done differently since Sunday in my attempt to heal myself? Firstly, I stepped out of my pyjamas every morning and had a long bath, treating my face with scrubs and masks, tending to the winter growth that happens on a woman's body, especially during winter when legs are invisible. My skin shines and my legs are smooth. On Tuesday I actually put on some makeup and ventured out to our local mall in search of new bedding. Also, I took part in an @artstorm competition by @deemarshall. (I did not win, but my creative juices started trickling back! https://steemit.com/artstorm/@minnaloushe/artstorm-contest-33-day-2-theme-today-ice-cold) The best of all, I started reaching out again – I actually blogged. Tuesday evening I made carrot soup. And last night I coloured a mandala.

These little actions might seem trivial, but for me they were giant leaps on my way to recovery. I had to force myself to do everything that I did, and I went to bed every night, tired beyond measure. However, I slept well, and no nightmares plagued me.

Another important thing happened. God has this way of encouraging me when I am down and out. If I had to walk my life's path without Him, I might have committed suicide long ago. Anyway, while I was out shopping on Tuesday, I crossed paths with my psychologist. I have seen him on and off during the past twenty years or so. Now you must understand that depression takes away your logic completely. Instead of going to see my psychologist to help me through difficult times, I avoid the one person who can really help me. So when I saw him on Tuesday morning, the first thing that came out of my mouth was: "I am so very, very depressed". He immediately phoned his receptionist and made an emergency booking.

I went and saw Greg yesterday morning. I nearly cancelled, but then I remembered that God sent him to me in my hour of need. It was an immensely insightful session. At some point he referred to the model of Maslov's hierarchy of needs. I know this model very well, having studied a little bit of psychology and sociology at some point. Then Greg asked me: "Where do you see yourself on the model"? My answer was easy. On the top tier, of course, the one of self-actualisation. After all, I visit art galleries, I have hobbies, I like going to the theatre.

And then Greg burst my bubble. He quickly drew the triangle, and he asked me when last I have partaken in any of those self-actualising activities. Very long ago, actually. So where do I stand then? Well, definitely not on the fourth tier, the one of the ego or esteem. I feel worthless and everything seems pointless. Social needs then? Oh dear, I have withdrawn from all social activities...

In my next blog I will try to explain how depression sets you back big time, using Maslov's model of the hierarchy of needs.

Thank you for your kind words of encouragement on my previous blog, https://steemit.com/depression/@minnaloushe/my-nemesis-depression-1. It means more to me than I can explain.