Sometimes I want to die

I've been in bad shape especially the past 20 years, 35 now.

Mild autism and bi-polar with a nerve disorder has made things unbearable and I don't have a single friend.  And the one medication that stops most of the pain and clears my mind is cannabis and the kind I had didn't even cause a high.  I'm tired of pills.  Over 20 prescriptions and none of them worked.  I've been a lab rat for their profit.

I don't want to die (NOT suicidal), I just don't want to live like this anymore.  I'm half a retard though and have no clue what to do or what I want.  

I have over 100 scars and burns all over me.  I can't have any people to talk to because I have a shield of fear all around me and I can't even look people in the eye.  I hate myself so much.  Things are just going to get worse.