Less than a woman

Have you ever just felt, "less"? Doesnt matter what it was about, its that you've felt it. It goes hand- in - hand with depression. Something I'm battling even as I write this. It's probably the worst feeling someone could have is that you know you are just not enough. I'm struggling right now knowing that I'm not really good at anything according to almost everyone I know, that I'm too uptight, that I'm not a woman because I don't have children and am not married at 26, that I'm not smart enough to het a graduate degree because I'm not that good at problem solving. It is like the world tells us how we are not good enough.

It's even harder when you have constant thoughts of suicide because fuck it, no one would even care that much. My own parents are too wrapped up in themselves to give a damn about anyone other than themselves and enjoy using guilt trips to get me to do what they want. My own boyfriend just tells me he will be attracted to me once I get down to an acceptable weight. I have no friends that I would actually trust or call "best friends".

I've often wondered if it is all my fault. Would it be better for everyone if I drove off a cliff or just disappeared? I don't know and at the same time I have a hard time thinking anyone would. It's interesting how your own mind can turn against you and convince you it would be. So far I've been too stubborn to go an easy way out since I do believe that life is suffering. But I'm running out of motivation to stay on any decent path and I'm not sure where to go.