My first experience with depression

On January first, 2019, I came back to my little town in Ecuador, after having spent a long weekend on Quito, wich is the Capital of the country, I am Venezuelan, and all the year and a half I have lived here I have had a difficult time finding friends, a couple or even hook ups, cause being honest, Ecuadorians are not known for being good looking

I had a good time in the capital, I spent new year´s eve with friends, walked a lot, visited places and had casual sex with strangers using dating apps, wich might have been the cause of it all

let me give you the background of the story

I was having this conversation with this guy online, he seemed really hot, but his pictures were a little blury, he was using sunglasses in most of them and he was pretty far away in all of them, still I kept talking to him

at some point I stopped replying and then he wanted to start the conversation again, I replied back but we did not really set up a date or anything, but him wanting to continue talking to me showed me he was interested in me, but the conversation got cold and did not continue really.

But guess what? I saw him on the streets, and he was 100 times more gorgeous than he appeared in pictures, I was in love! not really but you get the point.

I approached to him, (bold move. I know) and told him: " Hi, do you remember me? we were talking through this "app"He seeemed a little surprised at first, but he recognized me and told me that he lived nearby, that he was gonna do some errands and come back to his place, that we could continue talking later using our phones

we shook hands and we continued our ways

As soon as I walked around the corner I started texting him, saying how impressed, glad and mesmerized I was after seeing him in person

and never got a reply...

this might sound stupid, "you just got rejected by someone you met in a a dating app, that happens all the time" and I know, but as I said before I had more than a year without feeling actually physically attracted to someone, believe me, the men in this country are not a good sight to see

I had not felt butterflies in my stomach in a very, very long time, that feeling of "where is the ring?" "flip me over like a pillowcase" "do with me whatever you want"

since nothing happened I was feeling a little down, but I would always shake it off easily, but that experience combined with coming back to the actual small town where I live, knowing I would not experience that in my place, having months to come where nothing is going to happen for sure made me wanna cry.

it was something I could not control, when I felt it first I was on the street, and I fought it because the "why are you gonna cry on the street?" thought helped me kept it inside, but when I arrived to my place that is when it hit me, I started crying uncontrolably, feeling alone, rejected, unwanted and miserable.

So this is what people go to therapists for? this is the feeling that can take people to have suicidal thoughts, this is what is causing generally happy people to distance themselves from their loved ones

it was scary, something I had never felt before in my 32 years of existence on earth, why did I cry a lot for something until now I could just easily forget listening to a happy song?

I think I handled it pretty well, cause I started talking to myself in the mirror, saying how good I was, reminding me how many people appreciate me, and all the good things I had achieved, but before that moment depression for me was only that appeared on the news, an excuse to go and see a doctor, a made up disease that appeared on telenovelas

So now I am a believer, I am thankful for having good online friends that take some of their time to listen to me

have you ever felt like this? do you have people you can tell them your storis to? please let me know, I think sharing our experiences will help us become stronger.