At 3am.

You’ve been shaking for the past hour. Like you’re so cold, but the summer air is hot and humid as it breezes from your open windows.
You’re rocking yourself back and fort, holding something gingerly in your hands and stayed that way for a few more minutes.

You decided to then light a cigarette, hoping that it will calm you down. You lied down, stared at the smoke sway at your ceiling painted black. Relishing the smoke going into your lungs and out of your mouth. It did calm you down. But the thought still lingers. The urge still nags at the back of your head.

“Enough to hurt but not enough to bleed and scar”

You’ve been mumbling it over and over. Like a mantra. It’s been days. You’ve succeeded but tonight... tonight seems far too much.

The urge is getting stronger. You think you need it. You feel you needed it, like a quick fix. You debated lighting another or just give in. And you don’t honestly know what’s worse : do it now or fight another day. You’re afraid tho, that when it comes, it will be “ enough to hurt, bleed and scar” instead.

So you pick it up again and with a defeated sigh, breathed : enough to hurt but not enough to bleed and scar.