The Wise Sloth Guide to Investing in Cryptocurrency

Where to buy cryptocurrency:

You can buy cryptocurrency from the following sites.

CoinBase (Buy, sell, and trade)

Kraken (Buy, sell, and trade)

BitStamp (Buy and sell)

Bitfinex (Buy, sell, and trade)

Gemini (Buy, sell, and trade)

GDAX (Buy, sell, and trade)

More...

Where to trade cryptocurrency:

These sites specialize in trading cryptocurrencies. So if you want to access the newest, cheapest coins, you'll need to buy some Bitcoin, Etherium, or Litecoin from one of the sites above and transfer them to one of the sites below.

Bittrex

Poloinex

Cex.io

More...

Where to sell cryptocurrency:

These are more sites where you can sell cryptocurrency for cash. Regardless of where you bought or traded your cryptocurrency, you can transfer it between any of the sites listed on this page in a few clicks.

BitSquare

Coinbase

Paxful

Bitquick

Where to hold cryptocurrency:

If you plan on holding onto your cryptocurrency for a long time without daytrading, you should keep it in a wallet instead of letting it sit in your account on one of the trading sites because if the government ever shuts those sites down or they get hacked, you'll lose all your assets.

BlockChain

Jaxx

Trezor

LedgerWallet

Where to monitor cryptocurrency:

These sites allow you to look up prices in real time, find information on coins, and set up portfolios that show the current price of the coins you own.

Cryptocompare

CoinMarketCap

CoinTracking

CoinRanking

CoinCap

AltPocket

Where to find cryptocurrency news:

These are some of the biggest sources of cryptocurrency news.

CoinDesk

CryptoCoinNews

CoinTelegraph

The Merkle

Bitcoinist

Bitcoin Magazine

CryptoCurrency Reddit forum

Where to mine cryptocurrency:

You can "print" your own cryptocurrency coins by dowloading software from the links below and running it on your computer. It will take a long time to make a significant amount, but you won't lose any money other than the electricity it takes to keep your computer on.

SlushPool

AntPool

BTC

F2Pool

Minergate

More...

The 5 legitimate cryptocurrencies:

The only factor that gives a cryptocurrency real value is merchants accepting it as payment for real-world goods and services. The most widely used currency, and the only one accepted by major businesses, is Bitcoin. So Bitcoin is the only cryptocurrency that truly deserves to be called a legitimate currency. It's the only cryptocurrency you can truly invest in. You can buy, sell, and profit off others, but that's not investing. It's gambling.

Bitcoin was the first, and still is the most widely used cryptocurrency on the darknet, which if you don't know, is a collection of encrypted websites where you can buy illegal products like guns, drugs, child pornography, and much more. The stores on the darknet were the first businesses to accept Bitcoin as payment for real-world goods and services, which is how Bitcoin proved itself as a real-world currency. As long as the darknet exists, there will always be a need for cryptocurrency. So the first rule of investing in cryptocurrency is, you're gambling with your money if you buy coins that can't be traded for child porn.

After Bitcoin, the only other cryptocurrencies you can spend on the darknet are ZCash, Dash, Monero, and Ethereum. The reason blackmarket merchants adopted these in addition to Bitcoin, is because Bitcoin leaves a digital trail that can be traced. There are ways to cover your tracks, but the whole reason the darknet started using Bitcoin in the first place, is because it was more anonymous than a bank transfer. ZCash, Dash, and Monero were designed specifically to be anonymous and untraceable. Ethereum wasn't, but it has smartcontract technology that allows you to use digital wallets that can cover your tracks.

Merchants on the darknet probably still accept Bitcoin even though Monero fits their need better because Bitcoin is accepted by the most legitimate businesses. There's no point selling heroin for money that can only be spent on more heroin. If Amazon starts accepting Monero or Ethereum, there would be no reason for black market merchants to risk accepting Bitcoin anymore. If they stop accepting it, then Bitcoin will lose its safety net. But if Amazon accepts Bitcoin, it won't need the darknet to survive.

Monero is the most secure cryptocurrency, which means it's in the best position to become the next king of the darknet, but legal companies like Amazon don't need to hide the identity of their customers. Ethereum's versatility fits the needs of legal businesses much better. If a nerd can use Ethereum's smart contracts to build the ultimate anonymous digital wallet, it would make Monero obsolete, and Walmart is much more likely to accept Ethereum than any privacy-based coin. So Ethereum has that going for it.

Below is a list of other cryptocurrencies that claim to be designed with security in mind. They would be a solid investment if the black market merchants started accepting them, but that need has already been filled. If these coins' home pages are any indication of the quality of their product, they'll never be accepted by anyone. The only coins on this list I find remotely interesting are Komodo, Storj, and Maidsafe due to their versatility, but why bet on a latecomer that hasn't proven itself yet if you already know you can win by betting on Ethereum?

Komodo (KMD)

Storj (STORJ)

MaidSafe (MAID)

Verge (XVG)

ZCoin (XZC)

NavCoin (NAV)

ByteCoin (BCN)

Quoine Liquid (QASH)

DigiByte (DGB)

Private Instant Verified Transaction (PIVX)

ZenCash (ZEN)

There are about 115 cryptocurrencies listed on this page. These are all the coins that have sold over $1 million dollars as of January 7, 2018. It doesn't include tokens. Any coin not listed on this page isn't strong enough to raise $1 million. So betting on them to become the next Bitcoin is like betting on an ant to eat an elephant.

Below is a list of other currency-centric coins that aren't security-based. To the best of my knowledge, none of these do anything better than the big 5 established cryptocurrencies. Even if they did, they're still missing the only factor that really matters. No major businesses accept them as payment or are even talking about considering them. If they're not on big business's radar, then they shouldn't be on yours.

Veritaseum (VERI)

UCoin (U)

AutumnCoin (ATM)

Bitcore (BTX)

Clams (CLAMS)

ViaCoin (VIA)

HiCoin (XHI)

Exchange Union (XUC)

Bitcoin Cash (BCH)

Bitcoin Gold (BTG)

Bitconnect (BCCOIN)

Stellar (XML)

IOTA (IOT)

NEO (NEO)

NetCoin (NET)

Vechain (VEN)

OmiseGo (OMG)

FirstCoin (FRST)

Naga (NGC)

Decred (DCR)

HTML5Coin (HTML5)

ReddCoin (RDD) Currency, Wallet

The other 3 most popular cryptocurrencies:

Litecoin (LTC) is sold everywhere Bitcoin is, and it does everything Bitcoin does a little bit better. It also costs a fraction of the price, but almost nobody accepts it as payment. Until they do, it will be effectively worthless. There are a few niche shops that take Litecoins, but none that are big enough to count, and I haven't heard any of those express any interest in adding Litecoin as a payment method. If you simply have to bet on an underdog, this is the only one running with the big dogs.

Dogecoin (DOGE) is one of the oldest, most recognizable coins. Despite the fact that it freely admits it serves no purpose, its value is still going up. There are even a few gaming and gambling sites that accept it as payment, which makes it more usable than 99% of cryptocurrencies. I wouldn't be surprised if Dogecoin hits $1 by 2019. Feel free to gamble on that prediction, but don't bet more than you can afford to lose, because Dogecoin will never truly be worth a penny.

The problem with Dogecoin is that there are already almost 1 trillion coins in circulation, and its blockchain will continue to produce 5 billion more every year forever. The whole premise of a currency is it has a finite supply, and Dogecoin is infinite. Demand can never outpace supply, and all of its value will be lost to inflation eventually. So the only way to make money off Dogecoin is to buy a ton, wait for idiots to drive up the price, and sell before the bubble pops.

Ripple (XRP) has been getting a lot of media attention lately, and a lot of people are buying into it, pushing the price up. I even bought some and sold it at a profit. I didn't hold onto it for three reasons. First, it's not decentralized. It's servers are all owned and operated by a private business in San Francisco. If the government decides to shut it down or the owner decides to run off to the Bahamas, Ripple will disappear. Nobody can shut down Bitcoin because its technology is spread all around the world on private individual's computers and mining rigs.

Ripple's second red flag is it's designed to destroy a fraction of itself every time it's spent. This makes it look good on paper because scarcity raises value, but it will just eat itself from the other direction. When there's not enough left to spend, nobody can or will buy it. This could take a thousand years, but it's still a scammy feature I'm not comfortable investing in.

My third problem with Ripple also applies to every other coin listed below. Ripple isn't just a currency. It's also a business platform. A lot of other coins also have a business baked into them like digital wallets, cloud storage, web hosting, virtual real estate, or insurance document management. So basically, these are businesses that are unofficially selling stocks in their company and calling it "cryptocurrency," but it may be more accurate to call them "fraudulent stocks."

This is even more true for the ones that had an initial coin offering (ICO). They're raising investment capital and selling shares on a cryptocurrency exchange, sidestepping the laws they would have to follow to launch an initial public offering (IPO) to sell shares on a stock exchange. Technically they're not breaking the law, but the government could reinterpret, rewrite, or ignore those laws and shut down these fraudulent stock issuers at any time. This is my biggest fear about investing in Ethereum, becuase they had an ICO, but some major banks, including JP Morgan Chase, have endorsed Ethereum, and banks always get what they want, even if it's illegal.

Cryptocurrencies that have sold over $1 million in coins, and may have exciting products, but act like companies issuing fraudulent stock:

Tether (USDT) Currency/Wallet

Stellar (XML) Currency, Wallet

Loopring (LRC) Wallet

Waves (WAVES) Wallet

TenX (PAY) Wallet

Request Network (REQ) Wallet

Kyber Network (KNC) Wallet

Cryptonex (CNX) Wallet

Open Trading Network (OTN) Wallet

Metal (MTL) Wallet

Santiment (SAN)

PacCoin (PAC) Wallet

Monaco (MCO) Wallet

NXT (NXT) Wallet

Bancor Network Token (BNT) Wallet

Propy (PRO) Wallet

Eidoo (EIDOO) Wallet

Change (CAG) Wallet

Centra (CTR) Wallet,

CapriCoin (CPC) Wallet

Metaverse (ETP) Wallet

CoinDash (CDT) Wallet

BitBoost (BBT) Wallet

Pluton (PLU) Wallet

CloakCoin (CLOAK) Wallet

TokenCard (TKN) Wallet

Cardonix Blockchain application development platform, currency

NEMBlockchain application development platform, currency

EOSBlockchain application development platform, currency

Qtum (QTUM) Blockchain application development platform, currency

Status Network Token (SNT) Blockchain application development platform, currency

Lisk (LSK) Blockchain application development platform, currency

Stratis (STRAT) Blockchain application development platform, currency

Ox (ZRX) Blockchain application development platform, currency

XtraBytes (XBY) Blockchain application development platform, currency

Streamr DataCoin (DATA) Blockchain application development platform, currency

BitBay (BAY) Marketplace

Bytom (BTM) Data sharing, mindsourcing

SmartCash (SMART) Humanitarian aid

SysCoin (SYS) Proprietary marketplace

VertCoin (VTC) Decentralized

ClubCoin (CLUB) Decentralized, transparent

SONM (SNM) Processor sharing

iExec (RLC) Processor sharing, Storage

Cindicator (CND) A.I.-driven financial analysis

Numeraire (NMR) A.I.-driven hedge fund

BitClave (CAT) Incentivized internet search engine

Guppy (GUP) Incentivized social interactions

FunFair (FUN) Online casino

Gnosis (GNO) Crowdsourced statistical predictions

Augur (REP) Crowdsourced statistical predictions

SingularDTV (SNGLS) Multimedia production

Revain (R) Online reviews

DigitalNote (XDN) Wallet

GreenCoin (GRE) Trade carbon credits

Expanse (EXP) Boiler room

United Traders Token (UTT) Boiler room

Melon (MLN) Boiler room

OpenANX (OAX) Boiler room

PeerCoin (PPC) Wallet, Mining

Emercoin (EMC) Wallet,

Crown Coin (CRW) Boiler room

Groestlcoin (GRS) All-in-one,

Shift (Shift) Web hosting

UgChain (UGT) Gaming platform

Rise (RISE) Wallet

MobileGo (EMGO) Gaming platform

Quantum (QAU)

Tronix Data storage

ICON Project (ICX) Data storage

DomRaider (DRT) Auction record management

Humaniq (HMQ) Charity scam

Bitshares (BTS) Exchange

8 Circuit Studios (8BT) Video game tipping

Edgeless (EDG) Online casino

Decentraland (MANA) Virtual real estate MMORPG

Deep Gold (DEEP) Virtual real estate MMORPG

Enjin Coin (ENJ) Video game microtransactions

Gamecredits (GAME) Videogame microtransactions

AB-Chain (ABC) Puts advertisements in blockchains

Basic Attention Token (BAT) Advertisement tracking

AdToken (ADT) Advertisement tracking

Ethereum Classic (ETC) Application development

Civic (CVC) Password management

Zeusshield (ZSC) Insurance record management

DentaCoin (DCN) Dental record management

Tierion (TNT) General record managment

Golem (GNT) Processor sharing

Substratum Network (SUB) Web hosting

Bitshares (BTS) Exchange

TrustCoin (TRST) Lending platform

Aragon (ANT) Organization management

Ambrosus (AMB) Product/transaction tracking

iXledger (IXT) Insurance record management

Agrello Delta (DLT) Legal agreements management

Viberate (VIB) Musician booking agreements, marketplace

Some of these fake-stock coins might survive, and they might have really cool products, but before you buy their coins, ask yourself honestly, can you see Walmart ever accepting it as payment? If not, consider investing in one you can.

Sooner rather than later, the American government is going to shut down all the weakest cryptocurrencies and make it much more difficult to create new ones. There are already almost 1,400 coins, and more are on the way. Right now, the best way to get rich quick from cryptocurrency isn't by investing in the next Bitcoin, but by creating and selling the next shit coin like Bitbean (BITB). Look at the screenshot of Bitbean's home page below. There's nothing behind this "currency" except a couple of guys on cocaine... who are getting rich.

Bitbean isn't even the worst or most useless. SmurfCoin (SMF) uses a copyrighted image for its logo. I've found shit coins that don't have home pages or their home page is broken. One of them said they were mentioned in several major newspapers, but when you click the links, it just takes you to the newspaper's home page. Half the shit coins' home pages are just boiler rooms that use flashing numbers, bright letters, and frantic language to excite or scare you into buying their coin now. Half the companies that offer a new and exciting product or improvement to blockchain technology don't have a working product yet. It's "coming soon" or "in development." If they do have a product, like a groundbreaking crypto wallet, it looks and works just like a hundred other wallets that were probably made from the same code they all downloaded off of Github. There are at least 300 shit coins with home pages that look so similar, I'm convinced they were made by the same person cycling through six templates. Some of these ultra scammy sites have sold over $100 million in coins. So, don't assume a cryptocurrency's market cap is always evidence of strength, and always look at its home page before buying.

If the crypto community won't self-impose new standards to prevent me from creating and selling Dickpickcoin (DCK), then governments will have to step in. When either of those things happen, all the shit coins will become worthless, and all the coins that include products and services, will have their heads on the chopping block. I don't know when this will come, but I know it'll be when the cryptomarket gets out of control, and it already jumped the shark with Trumpcoin (TRUMP).

If you simply must gamble on coins that have a market cap of less than $1 million, it doesn't matter which one you choose. Their value is only based on how many other people are buying it. You may as well buy Dogecoin or the newest, cheapest shitcoin and wait for more idiots to do the exact same thing. Since it's completely random which will attract the most fools, your safest bet is to buy 50 knowing enough will skyrocket to mitigate your losses.

...Or you could just give your money to me instead of a Russian hacker.

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