The Day I Died - Second Draft (with HELP from a friend - he can flow so much better than I LOL) - 2022

NOTE: This may or may not be a "Work in progress" - I believe that, in my previous posts, especially "Reality vs. Truth" I have finished and shown how and where God brought light and healing into my recovery process... If the Lord prompts me, with His help, I will complete this... but, as with all things in my life, now, that is completely up to HIM. And so, work in progress, or no, here is the second, possibly final draft of...

The Day I Died

The day I tried to live? It was my wedding day
to the woman I poured my soul out to, she knew my darkest ways.
I thought I would find freedom in my wedding bed,
from the sexual immorality of perverted porn and the self-loathing that it bred.
The worst chains on my body, my spirit, and my head.
"It is not good for man to be alone," is what the father said.
I fooled myself into thinking she truly did agree,
in battles, to stand beside me - to be the man Jesus wanted me to be.
The patterns of my brokenness did ebb, she forgave and let offenses ride.
Then it flowed. After all, she was still my love,
but she, too, had a darker side.
And so began the countdown. To the day I died.
I truly did forgive the hurt that came subtly from my bride.
I started to stumble more and more,
and her struggle began to show quite often,
Even though she was my first, she had developed a callousness
even the church pew could not soften.
I had the knowledge, proven by our pastor, time and time again;
but she was remiss on her forgiveness and still wouldn't let me in.
Lack of respect in spiritual matters was her first truly painful blow.
I was desperate to walk it out with her, but still I stumbled;
and my offenses gave her a long list to show.
In that, proving she truly had never let anything go.
"How does it feel to be back to zero?" she would say,
cutting me deep and any progress to naught;
even in all the hurt that I caused,
true forgiveness could never be caught.
"I'm turning off my emotional self," she said. "It's now denied to you."
My true remorse no longer mattered, despite anything I tried to do.
She had already left me behind; then she kicked me out, of course,
saying I left her for the pot, but that was clearly not my choice.
Never to acknowledge she left me first by denying me my voice.
By our ministries' plea she brought me back,
though lacking true respect,
she submitted me to drug testing at her behest.

Even passing, it was to no avail;
for in complete mistrust, she sent it in by mail.
I truly snapped, in defeated bad form;
I bitterly vowed to submit to testing no more.
My resolve to never be the angry man my father was toward me;
another failure in my life,
driving a wedge yet further between me and my wife.
We had both been diagnosed with ADD, so the fighting in circles truly ran.
It went like this and kept getting worse,
couldn't even pinpoint why the arguments began.
The pot, the porn, the money - total disrespect,
ignoring me in public... even in our Church, no less.
I became despondent, she never opened back up,
"We don't have time," she used to say,
never to discuss real issues with her,
she crowded our schedule each day.
I started to talk about charity at home,
then the real ugliness finally came along,
a harmless talk I thought to have, that turned completely wrong.
While behind the wheel, she turned her angry yell at me,
and I responded in kind.
Then the electrical storm of pain began in my shell-shocked mind.
From the top of my crown to the tips of my toes,
I felt each hammer-fisted blow.
So vicious and deadly accurate they couldn't be blocked,
and the real count I'll never truly know.
Luckily from the staggering temple blows, God protected me;
though from the battered skull and blackened eye,
I unfortunately could not flee.
First losing, then regaining control of the van...
finally, in a parking lot, I got a needed reprieve.
Unfortunately, I triggered the beating again,
as I frantically reached and grabbed the keys.
Desperate to stop the violence, I shouted an empty threat,
and amazingly it finally ceased...
I locked her out and made a call to go and pack my things;
but in the end... it was HER time to leave.
In deceit she said we could work it out,
she assured me and I took the bait.
But all she really did was set down the trap,
and lie for a whole year in wait.
Then she completely shut me out, her trap had been sprung.
She wasted no time in telling me we were done.
I had let myself believe we could still make it work,
but once again my assumption proved wrong.
She had already moved on to plan her wedding day,
with the one she was with all along.
Before I found out she was with our pastor's brother,
she let her true motive slip as I was trying to get closure.
A year after the attempt,
she coldly texted her intent - in no uncertain terms, she Let me know,
It didn't matter how hard I tried;
I was no longer her husband; for that day, to her, was...
The day I died