French Fries and the Wharton School: The Story of Empire

I like watching YouTube videos about how things are made.

My restless mind is soothed by watching hi-tec machines churn out billions of french fries. I especially love the part where a computer-guided air gun blows imperfect fries off the line at jet speeds.

How can any small-timer compete, I ask myself. This is it, I say. This machine I am viewing can make all the french fries in the empire. Why, there is no need for another machine. We can place this device in the Azores where all the fries of the world can be manufactured in one central location - at least for our hemisphere.

Yet I struggle with one question: Wy do the french fries coming off these machines taste like shit?

One would think that with all the hi-tec built into this machine that the fries would at least taste better than average. These machines can scrub the potatoes flawlessly, peel the skins, shake out impurities and slice to laser perfection. Cooking and drying times are precision events to ensure excellence.

Excellence is paramount to the New World Order. Failure is not an option.

So what gives? What has the evil Wharton School missed? You know, of course, that the Wharton School is out for world domination of the french fry market. Oh, yes, I'm telling you now.

Through their emphasis on numbers, calculus (an evil tool if ever there was one) and statistics the Wharton School has worked together with Corporate America to mass produce a french fry that can dominate the world market, which it does.

Corporate America dispenses this crummy fry religiously through the Sysco company to every creature whose neck can be stood upon and throttled. Yet it tastes like shit.

Why?

Theologically because God does not approve of corporate french fries. God rejects corporate french fries. God understands that the world is diverse; and as such diversity must match diversity. Nature abhors uniformity. The problem with the Wharton School french fry is its uniformity. Every frigging french fry is the same.

In trying to mass produce a french fry using statistics, the Wharton School has drummed diversity out of the potato strip that is to be cooked. Imperfection has been eliminated and that is the problem. Our frail, imperfect human bodies reject this lack of imperfection just as oil repels water.

So I fear not for the future of the french fry.

This empire too shall fall.