My True Self

When I was younger, I remember someone saying something about how being a teenager was about finding your own identity. I don't know why this stuck out to me so much, but it was what I used to justify rebelling against what I was told to do.

Everything I did, I filed under the under the banner of "finding my own identity" including sneaking out of the house, smoking pot, going to parties, ditching school. I was only doing what society was telling me to do and trying to find my own identity. In the process, I smashed the image I was being groomed for, but I was still doing what I was told at the same time.

I don't know what inspired this, but I have thought a lot about this over the years because I am still trying to find who I am separate from the indoctrination. I'm not much of a party girl as it turns out. I would rather stay home and read. These are things that come naturally to me so I would assume that this is a demonstration of my true self.

Cooking is something that also comes naturally to me, and this natural connection is comforting. My mother was an excellent cook, so making food seems to be something ingrained in my DNA.

It just feels like something that transcends my experience in this life and so I feel comfortable cooking because it feels natural and protected from someone trying to control me or force me to do it.

Usually, I like to follow a recipe, but today I didn't even need one. I was inspired to make my own recipe for stuffed poblano peppers when I was in the grocery store today.

I used ground beef, riced cauliflower, garlic salt, and some ground jalapeno powder. I sauteed this, stuffed the poblano peppers, sprinkled them with cheese and baked them in the oven till the peppers were soft. Then, I topped them with sour cream and cilantro.

I love sour cream and spicy food if you can't tell. I had an avocado I added to the mix as well. It was delicious.

While I was eating dinner, I was reminded of this verse.

"You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows." Psalm 23:5

This verse summarizes the way I feel today because that is the reality of ritual abuse. The sense that your enemies are always with you remains in many of the most ordinary moments like eating dinner. Although, they don't have the power to steal my joy.