Sometimes I Feel Like An Outsider [Entry for writing contest by @averageoutsider]

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The First Few Years

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When I was a kid, I remember how everyday of my life was like a joyride in my own imaginary Disneyland. Being full of life and running around in the playground and playing silly games with a group of friends seemed like the most beautiful things in life. But like any other kid, I couldn't wait to grow up. I used to fantasize about the day I'll get to drive and do things that I wasn't initially allowed to do as a child. But now, looking back at my life, I try to find reasons on how everything changed so drastically and quickly without me realizing it.

Growing up, I soon began to lose touch with my friends as our interests didn't collide. I did make some new friends along the way, but none ever lasted. I started to get anxious and desperate. I started to fear that I'll never be accepted and that fear of mine led me to make some terrible decisions. School began to feel like prison too because I, being the quiet lone kid with no friends to back me up, was an easy target for all the bullies. I was quite possibly the only kid who was passionately into art and that was enough for the entire class to make a good laugh out of me every once in a while.

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"You Don't Belong Here"

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It was back in senior high school when I couldn't take the loneliness anymore. I wanted to be like other kids but I never could, even after constant efforts. I started doubting myself and thought that something was wrong with me and that's why nobody would want to sit beside me. Sure, some people did try to help me at times, but it wasn't out of empathy, it was because they wanted to be seen as nice people. I know I sound really pessimistic right now, but the reason I was sure of it was because after a few days, everyone went back to their daily lives as if nothing happened.

I kept trying to please everyone but in the process, I began to lose interest in the things that I once used to love. At one point, I gave up. I just accepted that I'll never be what they wanted me to be and even though it sounds like a good thing now, it felt like torture then. I was outcasted everywhere I went. Even though it felt like I was the only one going through all this, I knew that there were people out there facing the same thing and that's why I was always ready to help someone in need. Still am today.

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Not Anymore

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I realized after a lot of mistakes, that trying to be good enough for others is only gonna rob you of your own identity. I made my decision. No more living for others. "If I'm going to be left alone, so be it" I said to myself. I know it sounds really dramatic, and to some point, it was. But I was done being shunned out. I was done wanting to live up to everyone's expectations and changing myself for them. High school came to an end and with it, so did my insecurities and the false image I created for myself.

I began to reengage myself in doing what I love the most: writing and singing. Looking back, I am really proud of myself for gathering enough courage to make that decision. Needless to say, it really changed my life for good. I made real friends that I can trust and got rid of the people who neither shared my ambition nor believed in me in the first place.

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What I Learned

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What appears to be torture now, will be the treasure of tomorrow.

If it's one thing that I've learned from the whole experience, it's that you won't know how capable you really are unless you break out of your shell and force yourself to take the risk. "Sometimes being brave is the only option" is definitely what applies to my story and I'm sure to a lot of other people as well. You don't need to have other's approval to do something that you know you're capable of doing. The world will always try to change you into a person that you're not, but it all comes down on you if you are determined enough to become what you were meant to be.

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This is my entry for the Pick A Topic Writing Contest under the topic ‘Sometimes I Feel Like an Outsider’ hosted by @averageoutsider.

Thanks for reading!