RE: Why I Choose To Be Confrontational
Perhaps a slight variance of your approach is more productive.
Just a Suggestion:
Do you want to squeeze the most value out of the living organisms in any particular environment or set of circumstances, getting the best and "realest" of what they have to offer? Then be empty of judgment and desire.
In your interactions, don't be present as the "judger" of who is or isn't worthy of your time. Empty of judgment, empty of a desire for something to get out of the interaction, I find that the "real person in there, inside of what may appear to be a very shallow individual, at the surface" finds the courage to meet and speak...and, viola, you're interacting with a strong individual that has something valuable to share with you, almost like magic.
You see, people naturally fear judgment because reputation is strongly correlated with one's odds of survival and one's probability of thriving. The judgment of whether they're worthy of your time or not, IS the problem; it's the wall, or mask, that separates you from really meeting the self that they so desperately try to keep alive and comfortable.
The part that you might be missing with your approach is how your impression so strongly puts people into a defensive psychological stance, because, quite frankly our intentions scream out to everybody at the subconscious level - everyone will quite naturally sense your highly judgmental perspective.
The irony of it is that the people you meet and determine aren't worth your time might be very welcoming, resourceful, engaging people with useful skill sets and talents that can enrich your life, they may just happen to struggle with their fears of judgment and your attitude will only drive them further into their shells. In other words, you get the worst version possible. Your very need to get usefulness out of people drives it away.
When in the presence of a more compassionate/ empathetic individual, these same people will open up, sharing that enriched and enriching version of themselves - and I must emphasize "will" in that statement. We can only know this for ourselves by experimenting with it and testing it. But I'm confident that you'll find far more impressive qualities in people if you can manage to enter interactions a little "emptier".
A more succinct way to say everything I've just said is: don't approach from the ego (how can/ will this person/ situation benefit me), but rather from pure curiosity and 100% engagement in the senses of "what's really happening inside and outside (of me)". The former leads to constriction (pulling inside of one's shell to protect from judgment), the latter leads to trust and openness (the real individual shines through).
Seeing other as self and vice versa? Surely the best outcome for the situation is the optimum over-arching goal which will, in turn, provide the best outcome for you. Altruism is now viewed as a Darwinian survival tool!
Which is more effective/ energy efficient: to behave in a way that gets each person that we meet to behave "productively" (our conscious want), or to behave in a way that drives each person towards holding back and becoming defensive (in direct conflict with our want)?
There's an unnecessary obstacle that we tend to create when we approach this type of situation from a strong sense of ego (control), that's typically removed when we let go of our need to have things go a certain way (come in with an agenda). What tends to happen is the conscious manifestation of decisions around the goal move in direct conflict with actually achieving that goal. The want for manifests the seeming need to strive for. But this simply isn't the case. Letting go of the want for brings the very thing that we want, regarding our interactions with other people. It's the belief that it's anyway other than what I've just stated which creates the illusion that we must grind for it.
As I've, to this point, alluded to, this happens because the ego is often in direct conflict with the unconscious wants/ needs.
It may appear, at the superficial (shallow) conscious level that we're making the "right choices" to move towards our goals, but, often, in reality, our actions cause the type of reactions (at the unconscious communication level between ourselves and others) to drive our interactions the other way, away from us getting closer to reaching our goals, strengthening the sense of need to fight and push for our desire(s), making it take far more energy and time to get what we want than necessary - we're creating resistance!
Now, if we approach it again, this time without an agenda. The goal is still there, in the unconscious, but now we're not clumsily trying to move the interaction in a certain direction and/or unwittingly misreading the situation - clumsy and inaccurate, because the conscious mind has access to a very limited amount of intellectual resources, in the moment, compared to the vast warehouse of information and understanding within the unconscious. Now we behave naturally, getting the most out of the interaction with the least effort (energy expenditure), just like the very few others out there in the world that are at the apex of our species - leading our evolution.
But can we accept this, you see? Can we accept that we've spent all this time being unnatural/ weak, what amounts to wasted life? Can we accept that it takes some amount of faith and courage to let go and face a bit of an unknown to be at our strongest and to have the best chance at getting what we want out of life?
There's a reason why the "elites" are smaller than "one-percenters" on this planet. It takes a fair amount of courage to move through this world with real (psychological/ intellectual) freedom.
Sometimes (pretty much all the time), it pays to hear. One cannot learn whilst speaking. The attitude which pervades the world towards Muslims is one such case. The cultural, linguistic and heritage we encounter turns our hearing off and we digest sounds. Active listening can provide many solutions which were invisible without this skill - and it is a skill which requires honing.
Absolutely no arguments from me on these comments. But, I must add, that "active listening" doesn't involve only the ears or comprehending the meaning of spoken words in context.
(As an aside: I should hope that I don't have to add "IMO" to everything that I say, here, but I assure you that I'm not so deluded as to believe that it's anymore than just that - a belief.)
It involves a sensitive awareness of one's own consciousness (all the senses) AND the "input", which those senses perceive - it's a very intimate/ spiritual way to exist. This ties somewhat into what I said in my last comment. When one is deeply aware of themselves (conscious processes) and their surroundings, they can see (sense) how their ego interferes in many ways with getting what one wants from life and/or allowing oneself to be consciously aware of what is their true agenda(s).
What people often discover when they start really listening is how embarrassingly pretentious they've behaved in the past, without ever realizing it. The amazing discovery is that there's a lot more awareness available at any one moment than we had ever noticed in the past and expanding into that available awareness empowers us to glean more and more value (often insight) from the circumstances of every moment, in every way.
The rub is that the more aware we become, the less personable the relatable self (ego) becomes - it tends to slip further and further into the "background" and, over time, becomes forgotten past as "surface (superficially focused) consciousness" is discarded for deeper (more meaningful) insight. One becomes so engaged in perceiving "what is" in the moment that very few resources are left over to write, and maintain, a drama (self). This is what I consider to be the "natural state" - the state at which one's brain is unimpeded by unnecessary anxieties/ irrational fears (ie operating at its highest efficiency) - it's intellectual/ psychological freedom.
All that I've said here might amount to nothing more than hot gas, but it surely seems sufficiently fleshed out in my own experiences to be the most feasible of possibilities/ explanations.
Agree upon what you say ... though one alternative view which we might consider is that when one gets to this level of communication, one should equally realise that the experience should be relevant and engaging for both or all, depending upon the forum. Hence, one needs to ensure that engagement is a two-way/multi-way street. Be entertaining and enjoy the experience!
watch Black Mirror S03E01
both of you
I only want strong willed individuals around me. in my experience softies turn their back when a problem arises. I am aware of what you are saying. This is why I do what I do.
I also do it because it is fun. I am curious about learning how people react in non-conventional situations.
I only need to trust a selected few. Trusting many people means you give up self control.